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Old Nov 2nd, 2014, 18:30 PM   1
Anya0ttc
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Infertility is making me suicidal and I have no idea how to pick myself up.


Me and my partner of 4 years have been trying for a baby for just under 3 years. I have pcos and its certainly taking its tole on my emotions and I'm sure his although he doesn't express that. I went through a bad phase where I got severely depressed every time my period came and since then we don't discuss the whole 'baby' issue. My partner acts like we're not trying, probably because he's scared to talk about it encase I go back to where I was before, the truth is I think I'm back there already but I'm too scared to tell him.

I feel completely worthless, like I can't do what I should be able to do, I can't give my partner or myself what we crave the most, I feel guilty because I should be able to give him this, I feel angry because so many people find it so easy to concieve. I couldn't even congratulate my best friend on the birth of her baby because I resented her so much, what a horrible person does that make me? Every time a pregnancy is announced I purse my lips and try to turn it into a smile, I am happy for people deep down but jealousy, resentment and bitterness take over and I don't know how to suppress them. I'm no woman, I'm broken.

When I found out I had pcos it cut me up inside because I knew I may not be able to have kids, my mother in law said "you better get it sorted because I want grandkids soon" another reminder that I'm disappointing someone else. My partner doesn't want to be intimate with me often, I don't know if it's because I've shut down emotionally, because he resents me or because he doesn't see a point? Once he's asleep I sneak into our spare room so that he doesn't hear me cry myself to sleep.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think maybe it would be easier if I weren't here? He would move on and have the opportunity for a family with someone else. His ex partner now has two kids with another man and I wonder if he regrets leaving her, does he resent being with me? Does he think why me? Probably. I can't talk to anyone without being judged, no one knows how bad it really is. I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't think I can. To be honest in this state I can't become a mother, I have to be ok in myself before I can raise a child. Problem is I don't think I will ever be and that's where I come to the conclusion that maybe I need to just slip away. The worst feeling is I know I'll never have the guts to do it and there's no escape.



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Old Nov 2nd, 2014, 19:15 PM   2
Jillie89
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Reading your post has brought me to tears and I am crying as I type this. I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug because I completely understand what you are feeling.

My husband and I met when we were young and always planned our lives around having kids. When we started trying and it didn't happen (I have PCOS, didn't ovulate and we found out he had low count and motility) it was heartbreaking. We went through rounds and rounds of tests, drs appointments, fertility treatments and then started down the IVF road. It was the hardest things I have ever had to do. I was severely depressed but no matter how much I talked about it to any person, it was not going to change the fact that I could not do what is the most natural thing for a woman to do - have babies. I was ready to drive myself off a cliff. I didn't want to live a life without being a mum and I felt a burden on my husband for not being able to give him children.

I could barely leave the house. I hated seeing pregnant people, I hated going into shops and seeing baby items. I broke down every time someone told me they were pregnant. The only way in my mind I could cope was to tell myself every other woman no matter of their age was pregnant, so when someone told me they were expecting, I had already somewhat processed it. I wanted to be excited for people getting what I so desperately wanted, but I couldn't. I got angry when people fell pregnant so easily and then complained the entire time about sickness, stretch marks, etc. Here I was spending thousands of dollars for a 'chance' of having a baby and experiencing all of those things people hated. It just hurt and I felt like the universe was against me.

I don't really know what kept me going, but I honestly think it was the fact that we still had options to try. I am a stubborn person I wasn't going to go anywhere not completing the one thing in my life I always wanted to be - a mother. As hard as it got, I fought harder. With every knock down, I got back up. Cry... cry a lot! It's ok to cry.

Even now, the thought of having sex makes me ill. My poor husband. TTC and infertility has killed the most enjoyable and intimate part of our relationship. It is still something I am working on today.

There is no magic fix, it is unfair and it simply just sucks - some people will never understand how much it hurts... but keep going. Fight... fight for what you want and don't give up as hard as it may be. I know there are no guarantees in life, but there is always hope.



 
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Old Nov 2nd, 2014, 19:37 PM   3
Anya0ttc
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I'm sorry my post upset you �� it's the biggest relief to hear you say 'I know how you feel' not becuase I'd ever wish how I feel on anyone but because no ones ever said that to me before. I'm sorry you had such a long tough journey I know exactly how tough that can be.

I'm the same as you were and it cripples my life, going out is a mine field of baby news and items being thrust in my face. I don't think people realise how hurtful it is when they say "when are you going to start a family then" "you look so natural holding that baby it'll be your turn next" I smile politely and tell them one day we will but inside I want to die and scream all at the same time.

I've wished for a long time that I could end it but I havent and I never will because I don't have the courage, sometimes that's the hardest feeling of all becuase there's no escape, I'm trapped.

People moaning infuriates me, I'd go through years of morning sickness, I'd reduce my body to a saggy mess and endure labour a thousand times just to hold my baby in my arms but I guess some people don't experience that feeling so don't understand.

There are options and I'm hopeful that one day it will be my turn ��

Thank you for your lovely reply and again I'm really sorry it upset you to read my post x



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Old Nov 2nd, 2014, 20:28 PM   4
Jillie89
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Do not feel sorry for making me cry for one second - I just know what you are feeling and it brings back memories! I just wish there was something I could do to help!

From my signature you can see that my story has a happy ending. (And I hope on everything yours will too). I went through times I thought I would never be a mum, heard numerous times 'I was a natural' and that my turn would come. Still didn't help.

I don't think anything anyone said to me would have made a difference - it didn't give me a baby. But I found talking to others going through or had been through a similar experience definitely gave me hope.

Feel free to message me anytime!!! I will happily listen and be there for you.



 
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Old Nov 3rd, 2014, 04:47 AM   5
KatO79
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So sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time

I've been trying for a little over 1 year myself and have tried experiencing some of the same feelings. I felt like a failure every time AF showed up, so certain it's all my fault even though we know DH has some sperm issues. I've tried telling him that maybe he should find a younger more fertile woman to have a child with. DH just tells me I'm being silly and that I'm the only one he wants to have a child with As for feeling resentment, jealousy when people announce their BFPs? I've been there myself. Still am thinking why is it never my turn? Why is it a woman who already has 2-3 children when I'm here struggling to conceive #1? Seeing pregnant women or women with strollers still upset me a bit. I've tried being in a supermarket, seeing a pregnant woman and then trying to get away from her as I can't stand to see someone have what I've been struggling so hard to acheive. Which is not very logical as I've heard that more and more couples in this country are going through fertility treatments to have a child so many of the pregnant women I see have probably been through the wringer. But logic seems to fly out the window.

Luckily my in-laws have never said a word but perhaps it's because they already have 2 grandchildren by DH's big brother although I'm sure they'd love more. I have tried a SIL (my big brother's wife) saying all I have to do is relax (this coming from a woman who used 5 years on fertility treatments to have their daughter), DH's friends who almost all have at least 1 child asking me if I don't want children or commenting my flat stomach every time they see us and a friend who was insensitive enough to suggest adoption when we haven't even started fertility treatments yet.

I think what keeps me sane and hasn't caused me to go through any serious breakdowns is DH's support. He's constantly reassuring me that we'll have our baby and that he's sure it's not me but even if there is something wrong, it's not like it's my fault, I didn't choose to have a fertility issue. When I used to cry over AF, he'd be there reassuring me again that it'll happen and all we need is a little help.

So I've come to the conclusion that the most vital thing in getting through infertility is support of each other. Talking about feelings and always being there for each other on those bad days. Otherwise I'd think it'd be very hard on a marriage if one person isn't being supportive and loving towards the other person.

As for people and their comments, I'd just not reply or if you feel comfortable with them, tell them you're trying but are having issues conceiving and you'd rather not talk more about it (unless it's someone you feel would be supportive and you'd be comfortable talking about it with them). If it's basically a stranger or semi-stranger asking, I'd just say "Wow, that's a very personal question, don't you think?" and then just change the subject. I'd probably be honest with your MIL an tell her you're trying but are having issues conceiving but not go into details who's "fault" it is if you think she'd start blaming you and make things difficult for you. If she asks, I'd just say you and DH are sticking together and won't be pointing fingers at each other but there are issues. My in-laws are well aware of our issues and that we'll be going through assisted conception.

But the most vital thing is to start talking with your DH and getting him to support you so you don't feel so alone in all this. If you don't get him on board, I fear that this will eat away at your marriage and you'll lose him. Maybe he's also hurting but isn't much for opening up or he feels you're so upset that he doesn't dare bring his feelings into it for fear of upsetting you more. So I think it's best to open the lines of communication. Talk about yours and his feelings. Talk about how you need his support and that you'll be there to support him. Talk about what options you're willing to consider like assisted conception or adoption so you have a game plan. Maybe it'll help you feel more positive if you feel like you're taking steps to do something proactive. Get a therapist to help you both if need be. But don't let things keep going the way they are because it'll end up destroying you and your marriage.

I hope you and your DH soon resolve these issues and that you get your baby Wishing you the best and lots of luck!



 
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Old Nov 3rd, 2014, 10:47 AM   6
bumblebeettc1
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I hope you are feeling a little bit better today?

I have no idea what it must feel like as we only TTC for 1 year, but I do hope that you are ok.

You are not worthless at all. You mustn't think that.

Have you chatted to your GP about how you feel?

Everyone on here wishes you the best & we are all here to listen & try to help.

Xx



 
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Old Nov 4th, 2014, 12:36 PM   7
LouOscar01
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Anya that's so awful :'( xxxxxxx

We have only been trying for 4 mnths but I have convinced myself it will never happen because it's all I've ever wanted (I'm very pessimistic). This cycle made me feel awful as I felt so gutted for not achieving when I'd waited so long to ovulate!! I cried for 4 days and didn't leave the house, not because I hadn't got a positive, but because I hadn't got a positive OR my period and I just felt like I was back to nothingness ...(luckily it was half term). I felt like that after 4 months...can't imagine what it must be like for you after 3 years.

My Mum knows we are trying but OH's family all keep telling us NOT to get pregnant which is just as bad because I want to scream at them and say 'SHUT UP!! I'M NOT GETTING PREGNANT BUT IM TRYING REALLY HARD TO' ... it's so irritating.

I stupidly told a friend I could thought I could trust that i was TTC and she doesn't seem to think it's a secre. Everyone mocks me for my broodiness constantly and now when they do she keeps saying 'oh I thought you were trying'...YS I AM BUT IT'S NOT WORKING. :'( Wish I had never told her!!

The thought of not ever having a baby makes me want to jump off a cliff. For me there is no point to life if I can't have a baby. My Mum keeps saying that If I allow myself to fall back into depression then that won't help, she's riht but it is so hard to stay positive when all I get is NEGATIVES.

Fingers crossed that both of us get what we want Anya xxxx PM me if you ever need to xxx



 
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Old Nov 4th, 2014, 13:11 PM   8
lisap2008
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I have been TTC a baby with my DH for 6 years so I know the pain and ups and downs and the pressure to conceive from everyone, we eventually just told everyone it was not meant to be and left it at that.
and if we secretly get a surprise BFP then thats great if not , its not the end of the world for us , because we have so much already to be thankful for. I honestly am not jealous of anyone because I am happy with myself and with my life , even though I know I am not perfect I would not rather be anyone else.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of self worth and suicidal thoughts and I am sorry but I have to be honest I think you really need to put TTC aside and get your self worth back up to a healthy level before ever trying for a baby , because if you have no self love how can you love anyone else?.
I would find a good counselor you can talk to about everything and bring your DH along as well and communicate about everything thats bothering you. because its much better to fix your marriage now rather then try to after a baby is here. and sorry to have to say a baby cant fix your relationship , a baby will not raise your self worth, and if your not deep down happy with your self now you wont be after a baby comes along.
jealousy, resentment and bitterness all stem from insecurity and low self esteem once you find happiness, confidence and feelings of security, there is obviously no need for envy and jealousy toward others.

I hope you can find happiness and self worth , and when the time is right you will be blessed.



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Old Nov 4th, 2014, 13:32 PM   9
LouOscar01
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You can definitely still love another even if you don't love yourself!!!



 
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Old Nov 4th, 2014, 14:27 PM   10
lisap2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LouOscar01 View Post
You can definitely still love another even if you don't love yourself!!!

You can try but its not true love because its coming from yourself needing to fill a void and if you dont have any self love or self worth how can you teach your child self love and worth? children usually mirror the parent.
the same in relationships if you dont love and value yourself and are not truly happy how can someone else make you happy ,they cant and it leads to alot of turmoil in a relationship as the other partner is always trying to make you happy but its superficial and does not last,happiness and love must come from within yourself first before you can love others.



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