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Old Feb 3rd, 2018, 19:05 PM   51
imready4it
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Thanks for all your kind words ladies. I really do appreciate them.

Poppies I am so sorry for your loss. I canít give any advise about passing the time after your loss. I was consumed with it everyday. The days dragged by so slowly. I focused on hitting every milestone and trying again immediately. Itís now been almost 3 months but feels like a lifetime. Iím trying like heck this month to BD every other day to try to catch. Then things like the loss of my Uncle happens and Iím trying to renew the optimism and peace that I had finally found again last week. After two days of traveling I canít wait to crawl into my DHís arms tonight and collapse.



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Old Feb 4th, 2018, 00:16 AM   52
Poppiebug
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Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts and experiences. I hope everyone gets their rainbow asap.

I'm off to the Dr this week as sort of a follow up from it all. I'm going to ask her to give me some bloods to see where hcg is at. The Obs that did my procedure said to follow up in 6 weeks, he sort of suggested just give the rooms a call, so I am thinking that so long as I don't have any issues with anything I might not actually see him. I am hoping that everything just gets back on track asap without issues.

See how we go I guess.



 
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Old Feb 5th, 2018, 12:56 PM   53
AussieInUSA
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Glad I'm not alone


This is my first post in a forum so I'm still kind of not sure completely how it all works, but I read a lot of your posts and felt like this might be a good one. I'm so sorry for all of your losses, no one deserves to go through what we have had to go through, and I would not wish it upon anyone. Seeing so many posts that I relate to helps, but I also have fears that I will just always feel like this - as so many of you have described.

I miscarried in October (7.5 weeks), 4 days after my best friend gave birth to a beautiful little girl. Me and hubs are TTC again but I feel so many things I never felt before. Now I'm unsure, I'm not confident, I'm worried about miscarrying again, I'm worried we waited too long, I'm 36 he's 41. I don't know if I will be able to handle it if we miscarry again. There's so many feelings I did not have before we lost our little Speck. I'm afraid I just won't ever have a baby and then that turns me down a path of more fear because I don't know what I will do if I'm not a mother. Getting pregnant I felt amazing, I felt so alive and vibrant and ALIVE! Like this is what I'm meant to be doing. Now I just feel so isolated in my fear and sadness and I don't know if just continuing to TTC is a good idea or if I should wait till I'm feeling better - but maybe I won't feel better until I get pregnant? I am functioning every day, mostly okay, but on the inside there's just this constant unsettledness, and a feeling like I don't know where I am anymore.

I'm just feeling lost and alone, even though hubs is so amazing about everything, he wants to fix everything and make me feel better, but it doesn't work like that. So he then thinks he's doing something wrong and gets upset that I'm upset and it spirals from there. What are others experiences with partners trying to help you through? I'm just feeling very stuck and very much like I'm just floating in space with no direction. Any thoughts welcome.



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Old Feb 5th, 2018, 14:27 PM   54
flou
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Aussie. How you are feeling is perfectly normal. And don't give up hope that one day you will get your little one. Most women who experience a miscarriage go on to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I had two losses before I finally got DS. And even though I wouldn't have wanted to go through losing those babies if I hadnt I probably wouldn't have had my gorgeous little boy. And I wouldn't change him for the world. He made all the heartache worthwhile. So thats why I ultimately carried on ttc after my third loss. I know how much it hurts to lose a baby but I also know that when I hopefully get my second rainbow they will be so worth it! After each loss DH has always wanted to "fix" the problem. I found talking openly and honestly with DH helped. But I had to choose my moment as if I spoke when I was particularly low I couldn't alway verbalise how I felt and this just frustrated DH. So I told him this and I would just get him to hug me. But do talk to your partner about your concerns and worries. Him trying to "fix" it is also him trying to process the grief. But give yourself time and to cry. It will get easier I promise!



 
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Old Feb 5th, 2018, 14:41 PM   55
BabyBrain80
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Hi Aussie

I'm very sorry for your loss, I totally understand how you feel. I have this constant burning, unsettled feeling in my stomach and my head is a mess, thinking about my lost babies or if we should ttc again. At the moment it's just mostly frustration and worry over my hcg not dropping after my mc in Dec. it's holding me back.

There is no right answer if any of us should ttc again. I had a mc in July and I was sure it couldn't happen again....but it did. I think it's just bad luck though. There is no right time to ttc either. For some it helps to get right back on it again, the focus of trying helps. After 2 of my losses I got pregnant again within 2 cycles, one of those was successful with DS2. It really helped me being pregnant again, but I worried the entire pregnancy. Long gone is the oblivious first pregnancy bubble!!
I never thought I could cope with a mc, but here I am just after my 3rd. It doesn't get easier but it's not as scary from the point of view that you know you are strong enough to get through it and you know some of what to expect.

Anyway, I'm not much help really. But I think I will regret not trying again while I have the chance, I'm 38 this summer so time to get on with it.

As for my OH, well he admits he doesn't really understand, he never went through it although he is sad. He's scared for me. He feels a bit useless. But all I need from him is being able to talk openly and not feel silly, to be able to cry when I need to and for him to allow me to take as long as I need to get over it (you know what I mean).

So like I said, maybe not much help. But we are here if you need to talk xx



 
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Old Feb 5th, 2018, 15:00 PM   56
AussieInUSA
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Thank you BabyBrain and flou - I don't know why but it helps to know I'm not alone - even though I know other women feel like this, there's something about having the immediate sharing of experience that helps. I'm planning to start seeing a counsellor in the next week or two, so hopefully that helps too. I never imagined this would be so hard, granted, I never imagined it would happen to me. My grandma apparently had multiple miscarriages between my mum and uncle, so that's part of why I'm scared it will happen again - I have no idea if that is a factor or not, but it's not fun to think about.

Thanks again - and both of your posts help - I wish I didn't need constant reassurance that it's normal, everything I'm feeling, but these feelings are just so new and I feel so different that it's hard to believe I'm going through it.

Much love and baby dust to all xxx



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Old Feb 5th, 2018, 16:44 PM   57
imready4it
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Aussie, many 🤗 to you!!! Everything you are feeling is normal but it definitely sucks to be in this place, believe me, I understand. My DH was very afraid to try again but has since agreed to TTC again. I think he was mostly afraid of watching me go through it and didnít want to experience that again. I think once he was convinced that I was ready again he became more open to trying again. He also worries that we are both getting too old but I donít think of either of us as too old. I actually feel like having a LO would bring a lot more life into our lives. Weíve settled into our routines and I would love to shake things up with a sweet, new LO. I donít know if any of this helps but itís what came to mind after reading your post. According to my app, I should O tomorrow so weíve been BDing every other day and will BD tonight, tomorrow and hopefully on Wednesday. Afterwards, we will go back to every other day. Praying this is our month. Iíd love to have a November 🌈!



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Old Feb 5th, 2018, 17:05 PM   58
BabyBrain80
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Me too, there is something about a November baby that feels very positive to me. I dunno, its maybe silly.

hope you catch that egg imready x

Im getting ovulation/fertile symptoms and I had an almost positive opk today......but still got a faint bfp so not sure if its just the hcg the opk is picking up or there is actually a surge. Dont know if its possible to ovulate with hcg there, Ive read so many different things.
My body is just trying to get back to normal I suppose.
Need more patience!!



 
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Old Feb 5th, 2018, 18:21 PM   59
AussieInUSA
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You know what I am finding really, idk, interesting? Being around babies makes me feel better. Being around pregnant women makes me miserable. It's like I feel like I'm supposed to have a baby - my body "gave birth", however early, and my mama instincts are off the charts. Yet I'm afraid of being pregnant again.

Everything else is so grey, it's hard to focus on anything and it's hard to make my brain engage in things that used to be really easy and second nature. I think that's what makes me feel so lost. I know that when it first happened, the feeling of total powerlessness was unbearable. I still think that plays a big part in why I feel how I feel - I have no control anyway so what's the point? I spent a long time before we got pregnant getting myself to a place where I was healthy and balanced (I had a ton of issues from past trauma and other health issues), and now I'm just wondering what was the point.

We're TTC but not getting too absorbed in the details - I think I feel at the moment like, if we do get pregnant in this limbo place then it will happen if it happens. If in a couple of months nothing happens then maybe we'll start getting more diligent. At the same time, every time I get my period I get really sad. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.

Oh, and I just got to a meeting and someone announced that she's pregnant, same age as me, got married the same time, looks about 5 months which is what I would be now. Cue plummeting soul.

I think I'm finding I just have to enjoy the good moments when I have them, and let myself go through the lows when they happen. Who knows? Sorry to be debbie downer, but today has been a real plateau peppered with a few really low moments.



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Old Feb 5th, 2018, 20:33 PM   60
imready4it
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Aussie, donít forget that your hormones are all over the place. I think that has a lot to do with out emotional rollercoasters. When they level back out it will be easier...I promise. 😘



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