Originally Posted by Babyramon

Couldn't just read and leave..everything you wrote is exactly how I'm feeling.like your in my head and know exactly what I'm going thru. I was too 20 weeks pregnant with a little boy and for some reason I went into preterm labor I wasn't given a reason. I go next week for my check up and returning to work. I wish I could stay home so I dnt have to face everyone telling me sorry or how I am. I find myself not even caring to call my friends or family. I get overwhelmed with jealously when I see pregnant ladies or read about celebrities that are pregnant. I go over in my mind what I did so horribly wrong in life to have this happen to us. But I know how your feeling and hate that this happens to us..

Originally Posted by ferlee

Again ladies, even though it has been a while since I have been on here, I just want to say thank you. It means alot to know that even through strangers I have support. Luckily for me my husband and I are on our second chance baby and I just hit my 18 week mark. Its a happy time but also so so scary and I am a nut about everything! Its a terrifing thing to get pregnant after a loss, even as happy as this time is. You cant help but be scared. Hopefully all goes well, but as my 20 week mark comes closer and closer i cant even describe my feelings. I cant help but be happy, but scared to be happy at the same time. You love your baby from the moment you find out your pregnant. You dont want to go through this again, but that possibility wont leave your mind so you can relax. But the happiness I feel can over shadow my fear at times.
I'm just happy to be able to try again, and this time get to hold my baby on my due date in april. Good luck to all you ladies trying again after a loss. My prayers are with you and just know, through my own loss and trying again, we are brave and we are strong to survive this kind of loss and STILL try again. [/I][/I][/B]

Originally Posted by ferlee

My name is LeeAnn and this is my first time on a forum. I thought talking about my loss would start helping me cope better:

I found out I was pregnant around October 28th, 2011. I took 3 test then went to my doctor and did a blood test because I just could not believe it was real. My husband and I were SO happy. I was in love with the tiny little being inside me. My pregnancy went normal, I suffered nausea and I actually lost a little weight and I ended up gaining 1 pound by January. I suffered a little cramping and some pain that felt like it was pulsating inside my vagina but was assured it was normal. a few weeks later on 02-05-2012 I started to spot.

Light bleeding and light cramping like a menstrual pain. I called and made an appointment for 02-06 and went on about my day. But on Monday the spotting changed and became liquidy. When I went to my appointment and talked to my doctor she assured me it was probably normal and not to worry. She did a vaginal exam with my husband at my side and all of a sudden shes rubbing my leg telling me that she's so sorry but I am 4cm dilating and my water bag is bulging. I looked at my husband not understanding what was happening and my Doctor assured me this was not a joke and she was so so sorry and the next thing I knew I was being rushed to labor and delivery.

My baby was born at 8:49PM Monday February 06, 2012 at 19 weeks and 6 days. We were due to find out the sex the very next day.

I could not look at my baby after he/she was born. I could not even name my baby. The birth certificate my state required only says our last name. This was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was so so happy and so in love and in only a few hours that love of mine slipped from me.

I got bacteria in my placenta and water bag that caused my body to fight back and basically killed my pregnancy. That is what ONE of my doctor's told me. But now my other doctor is telling me it could be Incompetent Cervix which I am terrified I have. I got an infection a few days after the birth and was hospitalized for about 3 days. So between worrying about my health I have my state of mind to worry about and all the fear I have about trying to get pregnant again. But then there is the fear of NOT trying at all that I am dealing with.

I am scared that we get pregnant again and I get to my second trimester and this happens again. Coping with it happening THIS time is devastating enough for me. How would I survive it happening again? But is it worth it to let this fear rule me so I never try again and willing give up the chance at a normal pregnancy? So between all the fear I'm trying to cope with the pain of loosing my baby. I was pregnant for basically 5 months how do I accept NOT being pregnant? Of dealing with my due date in June and no baby to hold? I catch myself rubbing my belly and then it all crashing into me all over again when I realize i'm empty.

The Hardest part of all this is the fact that i watched my baby on an ultrasound before I gave birth. He/She was perfect, the measurements and heartbeat healthy, where the baby was sitting was correct but MY body was starting to go into labor. My baby took a breath once outside of me and it broke my heart to choose the drugs that induced me. No matter what my body would have completed the labor on its own, my water bag had already ruptured and they had already tested me positive for an infection. If i chose to try to save my pregnancy it was a 1% chance the baby would live and I could take the risk of loosing my uterus forever. 1% was not a good odd at all. After speaking with a specialist for high risk pregnancy/birth I chose to complete the labor process.

There was no guarantee my baby would even live and I could lose my chance at EVER being a mother on a 1% chance. I couldn't take the chance. It's no comfort to me. And it will be 2 weeks tomorrow that I lost my baby. Sometimes I actually feel normal but them the smallest things trigger tears or thoughts. Like the fact I had to go buy new work jeans because I only have maternity jeans, or the fact that I can drink an energy drink now. Seeing babies, seeing outfits my mom bought for the baby. Simple things like that.

How am I supposed to move on when I cant stop thinking about it? Everyone tells me this was God's plan, that everything happens for a reason and that I will have my baby next time. But how can something this painful happen for a reason? What if I get pregnant and loose it again like I did? How can I give birth a second time and the baby die? What if I do have incompetent cervix? My mind won't stop and the pain won't stop.

I thought talking about this in a forum with women who may have gone through this will help me. Thank you for listening...