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Old Feb 19th, 2012, 18:10 PM   1
ferlee
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miscarriage at 20 weeks


My name is LeeAnn and this is my first time on a forum. I thought talking about my loss would start helping me cope better:

I found out I was pregnant around October 28th, 2011. I took 3 test then went to my doctor and did a blood test because I just could not believe it was real. My husband and I were SO happy. I was in love with the tiny little being inside me. My pregnancy went normal, I suffered nausea and I actually lost a little weight and I ended up gaining 1 pound by January. I suffered a little cramping and some pain that felt like it was pulsating inside my vagina but was assured it was normal. a few weeks later on 02-05-2012 I started to spot.

Light bleeding and light cramping like a menstrual pain. I called and made an appointment for 02-06 and went on about my day. But on Monday the spotting changed and became liquidy. When I went to my appointment and talked to my doctor she assured me it was probably normal and not to worry. She did a vaginal exam with my husband at my side and all of a sudden shes rubbing my leg telling me that she's so sorry but I am 4cm dilating and my water bag is bulging. I looked at my husband not understanding what was happening and my Doctor assured me this was not a joke and she was so so sorry and the next thing I knew I was being rushed to labor and delivery.

My baby was born at 8:49PM Monday February 06, 2012 at 19 weeks and 6 days. We were due to find out the sex the very next day.

I could not look at my baby after he/she was born. I could not even name my baby. The birth certificate my state required only says our last name. This was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was so so happy and so in love and in only a few hours that love of mine slipped from me.

I got bacteria in my placenta and water bag that caused my body to fight back and basically killed my pregnancy. That is what ONE of my doctor's told me. But now my other doctor is telling me it could be Incompetent Cervix which I am terrified I have. I got an infection a few days after the birth and was hospitalized for about 3 days. So between worrying about my health I have my state of mind to worry about and all the fear I have about trying to get pregnant again. But then there is the fear of NOT trying at all that I am dealing with.

I am scared that we get pregnant again and I get to my second trimester and this happens again. Coping with it happening THIS time is devastating enough for me. How would I survive it happening again? But is it worth it to let this fear rule me so I never try again and willing give up the chance at a normal pregnancy? So between all the fear I'm trying to cope with the pain of loosing my baby. I was pregnant for basically 5 months how do I accept NOT being pregnant? Of dealing with my due date in June and no baby to hold? I catch myself rubbing my belly and then it all crashing into me all over again when I realize i'm empty.

The Hardest part of all this is the fact that i watched my baby on an ultrasound before I gave birth. He/She was perfect, the measurements and heartbeat healthy, where the baby was sitting was correct but MY body was starting to go into labor. My baby took a breath once outside of me and it broke my heart to choose the drugs that induced me. No matter what my body would have completed the labor on its own, my water bag had already ruptured and they had already tested me positive for an infection. If i chose to try to save my pregnancy it was a 1% chance the baby would live and I could take the risk of loosing my uterus forever. 1% was not a good odd at all. After speaking with a specialist for high risk pregnancy/birth I chose to complete the labor process.

There was no guarantee my baby would even live and I could lose my chance at EVER being a mother on a 1% chance. I couldn't take the chance. It's no comfort to me. And it will be 2 weeks tomorrow that I lost my baby. Sometimes I actually feel normal but them the smallest things trigger tears or thoughts. Like the fact I had to go buy new work jeans because I only have maternity jeans, or the fact that I can drink an energy drink now. Seeing babies, seeing outfits my mom bought for the baby. Simple things like that.

How am I supposed to move on when I cant stop thinking about it? Everyone tells me this was God's plan, that everything happens for a reason and that I will have my baby next time. But how can something this painful happen for a reason? What if I get pregnant and loose it again like I did? How can I give birth a second time and the baby die? What if I do have incompetent cervix? My mind won't stop and the pain won't stop.

I thought talking about this in a forum with women who may have gone through this will help me. Thank you for listening...



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Old Feb 19th, 2012, 20:03 PM   2
xobabyhopes
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this literally brought tears to my eyes, im so sorry for your loss. i wish i could give you advice on how to cope but i just lost my baby a few days ago.

i just saw him/her a few days prior and he/she waved at me and was perfectly fine. so i continued to go about my normal routine. i went to work (i work at a hospital) on 2-16-12 and started having such bad stomach pains that i instantly doubled over and sarted crying. instantly went to the er and waited for my mom and fiance to get there. in a matter of 6 hours i was being told that our baby was still inside me but no heartbeat or fetal movement could be detected, i blacked out for a moment because i couldnt hear anything the dr was telling me i was just crying and i thought they had the worng person. i was only 11 weeks pregnant but it felt like someone was telling me i had just lost my mom.so they sent me home and told me to follow up with my obgyn.

the next day i started having the same pain but 10x worse, i ended up having to be rushed to the er and was taken into surgery maybe 2 hours later for my d&e. everything before and after that is a huge blur. my future MIL tried to cheer me up by taking us out to eat the next day but everywhere i turned i saw a baby and would catch myself staring at them and wondering about my baby.

needless to say im a wreck, i try to act so strong but i crack in two seconds at the littlest thing. i dont want to go back to work because thats where this happened, i can barely walk from the surgery and i cant be alone because i just stare at the clothes ive bought and the scrapbook stuff i just bought.

i understand that alot of people go through this but i could never picture mself being one of them as im sure you never could.i know i just vented and didnt really give much advice but if you ever need to talk just message me.



 
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Old Feb 19th, 2012, 20:54 PM   3
babybwishes
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I have no real words of comfort for either of you ladies. I was 13 weeks when we lost our LO. Some say time heal. I dont know if thats true or not. I still grieve. We just made and appointment w a FS. We are going to try again. I was due 12/1/11 and I still track how big LO would be and all that. The only thing I can say is hold on and cry all you want. Its normal. Everything you are going through is normal. Your going to remember you LO just as you would if it were any loved one you lost. You will always remember those special dates. I know the one thing I can say... that it does get better. Time really does help. Your family will help. And when you decide its time to try again remember every pregnancy is different. Its so very scary to try again but we deal with lose every day. We must keep living and growing. I am so sorry and my hart breaks for you both. Your not alone. The ladies on her are wonderful and inspiring. As you read the stories as I have done I hope you find what I have. Peace, love, understanding, support and hope for a future happy and health LO....



 
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Old Feb 19th, 2012, 20:57 PM   4
Andypanda6570
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I am so sorry for both of your losses.
I was 40 when I got the surprise of my life, I was pregnant and with a girl/
I already have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and we were done at having babies, so we thought. This beautiful miracle I had in me, my little Ava. I went in for a sonogram at 20 weeks and there was no heartbeat I was and still am devastated . I chose not to get the D&E, I was set up for one , but I went into labor and refused to get the procedure. I ended up giving birth in my home , it is just the way i wanted it. We went to the hospital and we held Ava for awhile and then we buried her on 3/11/2011, it was the hardest day of my life. They tested her tissue and could not give me a reason why she died, maybe it was because I was 40 I don't know maybe they said it was chromosomal, I will never really know. It has taken me this long to come to terms with her death, i was a mess for a long time. There is a point where things do get better, but it is a long and hard journey and for me I thank God I have finally gotten to it.

My heart will always be broken but I am at a place of acceptance now. I go to her grave more than I should, but I can't help it, I miss her and I miss what could have been, I will never know what it is to have a daughter or to have that bond. Nobody understands us and never will only people who have been through this really know. I didn't see or talk to my family for 3 months and I didn't appreciate things they said. I know the words they said were not meant to hurt, but they did. If it was not meant to be then why was Ava here , if it is for the best then why is my heart aching.
Those comments are still with me. I never believed people when they told me time would ease my pain, but they were right. It takes time and when you feel like this time is all you look forward to.
I wish you all strength and love, you will get through this, never over it but through it, i promise.
XOOXOXO Andrea



 
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Old Feb 19th, 2012, 21:01 PM   5
OnErth&InHvn
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HUGS HUGS HUGS.

Im so sorry you had to go through that.

if you have incompetent cervix they can give you a stitch early on to hold your cervix closed. It works. Many women on here have had one. Youll have your rainbow baby one day soon!

As hard as it is/was, i would name your baby, acknowledge your baby. If you bought anything or have anything (u/s pics, etc), get a memory box for your baby and put little things inside. Maybe now you dont want to look, but later you will and if you dont do this now, later you might regret it.




 
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Old Feb 20th, 2012, 09:14 AM   6
ruby09
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I am so so sorry for your loss. I wish I could jump through the computer and give you a hug.



 
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Old Feb 20th, 2012, 11:03 AM   7
Bride2b
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Its so soon after your loss and your thoughts and worries are very natural.
I had a similar loss to yourself exactly 12 weeks ago. I think I am starting to find peace with it now, in that I want to start moving on with my life and find happiness again. My waters broke at 19 + 3 after a series of stomach cramps over the period of about 12 hours. I went to work as usual, then got home and my waters broke after some very intense pains. My waters literally gushed, the hospital told me that infection would be likely. Like you my baby had a strong heartbeat....and it was my body that let him down. I asked if they could stop labour from happening and they said not at this stage. I never developed an infection but delivered my baby 8 hours later.
Its been the most painful 12 weeks of my life, nothing will ever compare to losing a much loved and wanted baby.

You will feel so many emotions right now, and you must remember there is nothing that you did to make this happen. Guilt is a very common feeling.

I thought I had an IC, honestly you can have a normal pregnancy after - have a little look at the gestational complications thread, there are lots of ladies there with stitches due to an IC. I was told my loss probably wasnt due to an IC but I still have my doubts. The doctors are going to monitor my cervix straight away next time.

If you want there to be a next time you will be looked after VERY well. Usually you will get an appointment with the results of what caused your loss. Please dont think that because its happened once it will happen again. Unfortunately the innocence of pregnancy has been taken away from us, we have experienced something that nobody should ever have to experience.

I want to to know that although things are really shitty now, things will start to get better. Bigs hugs to you and your little angel xx



 
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Old Feb 20th, 2012, 13:58 PM   8
Kelly9
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So sorry to have had this happen to you or anyone really.

It's been 5 weeks and a few days since I lost my little girl at 18 weeks and I still cry everyday. A lot of people told me time was the only thing that would help and lots of tears and as much as I hate to admit it time has helped. Unfortunately it is something we have to go through feeling every little thing. I cried the first time I took a sip of an energy drink to, the first time I had sushi, etc.

There is a wonderful thread in the second tri loss section thats called life after loss support group, there are some really great ladies in all stages of loss and even some rainbow makers and they're very welcoming and give lots of support if you're interested.

Sending lots of hugs to you and your family.



 
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Old Feb 20th, 2012, 19:45 PM   9
ferlee
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everyday


Every day seems to go by so fast and it feels a little easier. Going back to work today after everything felt a little better, getting my routine back and that normalcy..part of me wanted to go back home and park myself back on my couch like I have been. But I couldn't stop thinking how the last time I was at work I was pregnant and so happy. I want that happiness back.

I'm glad to have great people in my life and a good support system. My husband has been my rock. But unless you went through this its hard to connect with my pain. I know my friends and everyone are trying. They just don't understand that when they keep asking how I am makes me feel worse. part of my wants to be a bitch and ask them how they THINK i am doing. but i don't because that's not how I want to treat my friends and family and let my anger at LIFE dictate how i respond to being cared about.

Sometimes I feel normal, like i laugh and mean it. I can feel myself pulling away from people and i hear it in my tone of voice and I know i just have that dead look in my eyes sometimes. I know its not my fault, it was a horrible thing that happened to me and my husband. but it did and I think i'm getting my foot in the door of acceptance .

I just want to say thank you to all the ladies that responded so far to my post. It means a lot. I'm sorry for all your losses i know your pain, and your fears and right now Mine are ruling me and I hope that is not the case for any of you wonderful ladies. We all deserve our little peanut's!

Every day will get easier for me, I will never get forget what happened to me of course but I will start to learn to live with what happened. Hopefully soon I will get back my "fire cracker" personality and I won't cry over the smallest thing.



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Old Feb 20th, 2012, 21:06 PM   10
Kelly9
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You're a hundred times stronger then me



 
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