hey girls!

I gotta be sincere - if it wasn't for this forum and for all the support that arrived from you, i would have gone crazy by now. Mostly because it is IMPOSSIBLE to find any other information about how to deal emotionally with a mc, with ttc after a loss, with your new relationship dynamics, NOWHERE in the real world, except of internet and on forums like this one!

so, as first - a big huge THANK YOU to all of you!

i understand why people don't wanna talk about mc as an everyday topic - because it is hard and no one wants to be reminded of the fact that the babies die too. but the fact is - they do. i was brushed off at my on/gyn with a phrase: "it was just a bad luck, it happens in 20-30% of pregnancies".
So if it DOES happen that often, my question is:

WHY there is NO SINGLE WORD mentioned about it in ob/gyn offices?? if there is really such a great chance to miscarry, if it is really such a normal physiological thing to happen, then why no one is told anything about this possibility BEFORE ttc?

not in a way to put panic to people, don't get me wrong. just in a plain informative way, as they tell you that if you have an unprotected sex, there is a chance to get an STD. This STD line is a real common thing at ob/gyns we heard over and over again, still informs us about an unpleasant event but at least we know and it is seen as ACCEPTED.

I'm not telling that an ob/gyn should scare the hell out of people, just that it should be acknowledged as a normal process. At least for me, it would have helped me a lot in the post-mc recovery phase: knowing i was normal, not a failure. knowing it is common and that almost all the woman who have mc once or twice DO have healthy children eventually. all these reassurances i got ONLY through this forum and through googling the hell out of the web.

but still i believe it is different if the reassurance would come from a qualified personnel, like docs and so. not because our opinions and experiences here are not valid or enough, but because the doctors are OUTSIDE of this limbo, outside of this pain and grief process and subconsciously we give them more credit.

I was about to suggest to my ob/gyn to print a leaflet about mc, about how common it is, about the grieving phases a couple can go through, about the physical and emotional changes it brings to our bodies, minds, relationships.
There are so many leaflets about healthy pregnancy, about millions of different contraception brands, about breastfeeding, breast cancer, stds... but not a WORD about this.

What do you think about this idea? would you find something like that helpful? and in case you do, what would you like it to mention?

...and THANKS again, you girls saved me!

If there is nothing like that at your ob office, it cannot hurt to ask about it. Mine had several leaflets that I had (of course) never noticed until I needed them.

For someone who is married to a family doctor... this is such an amazing idea! Why it hasn't been thought of before is beyond me!?! I have mentioned to my husband, after going through two ourselves now, why this isn't discussed at the first prenatal. Here in our province there is a standard prenatal form that all docs have to fill out and there is a list of topics that have to be covered and I'm pretty sure early loss is one of them (I will check to make sure, though). But "covering" a topic may just be bringing it up and mentioning a stat or two on it! Of course, we can't really blame the family docs around these parts as they're horribley overworked and have very little time for each patient (which is very sad and bothers my husband to no end). It would be impossible to cover every topic on the prenatal form in depth given the time allowed per appt. A pamphlet would be a wonderful idea. Most everyone who has a m/c will have to see their family doc or ER doc in this province. There's no reason why the province can't do up some information and have it in all clinics and ERs (plus the Early Pregnancy Assessment Clinic - only in the big city hospital).

thanks for the back up ladies!
Mightymom, there is not a single flyer at my ob/gyns and it's a big office i assure you, which is what made me a bit upset. They also have a general practice doctor on the ground floor and nothing there either.
Newfiefan, thanks for your feedback especially coming from someone who lives with a doctor, it is a great input for me!

let's see how we can develop this further kisses to you both and i wish you and awesome week

I got given a leaflet from the hospital when we got told our baby had died. They left us in a room for 2 hours and shoved a leaflet at us. The doctor was too busy to see us until 2 hours later. I couldn't look at the leaflet at the time but it was really helpful a few days later.

WONDERFUL IDEA!!!!

When we lost our baby last Nov it was horrible the way we were treated by the staff. We had no clue what was going on or what was going to happen. The midwife was awesome, but the rest of the staff *ugh*. I was told by the doctor, "there is no heartbeat, the embryo(yes, he didn't even say baby) was dead...now do you want to expell it naturally or have us remove it". I was in shock...Needless to say DH was fuming mad! He kicked the doctor out while I sat there in a daze. The midwife came back in and very soft spoken said we can stay in the room as long as we needed and she answered all the questions we had. This lovely woman even came up to us and just held both my DH and I while we cried.

Later that night, my temp peaked and I got an all over body rash. Went back to doc, blood poisoning. Doc was still a *bleep* about it and said "we gotta get that out of you", still not saying "baby". Midwife stepped in again and told the doctor to leave. She then asked us if we wanted an ultrasound before I went to the hospital. We have it in our family photo album.

If all ob/gyn staff where like this midwife, it would be so much easier, but unfortuntly there are morons and cold hearted idiots in most of these places. Having a pamphlet would help out considerably. I was clueless to what was happening as was DH.

it's such a pity that not all the hospitals and ob/gyns have at least a pamphlet... as poppy84 said, maybe it wouldn't change a thing in that very moment because the shock is so massive, but in the days that follow it could really be of help.

the stuff in the hospital i went to was great, they were very kind and they even let my bf stay until late at night as i was kept in for the night.
but when we left the next morning - not a single direction or word to help us deal with this, no info and no answers about why it might have happened. they were all kind but not informative. and one doc even told me: we're running a histology exam to confirm that there was a pregnancy!!!!! i almost cut her head off. i was told the day before that they will run the histology thing to see if they can find any genetic defects, infections, or whatsoever that might have lead to a mc. not to CONFIRM if there was a baby there! after the ultrasound with a clear pic of an incomplete mc (which they've kept) and an emergency d&c and a night in hospital what was there more to confirm to them??

and if there is a miscarriage support group where i live, i certainly ignore it. and i think hospitals and doctors should be informed on these, and direct people.

I think it's an amazing idea, and I personally also think that doctors should do a miscarriage risk screening as part of a woman's annual pelvic exam so maybe we can prevent this tragedy from happening to some women. I think it's atrocious that they wait until 3 miscarriages to do any testing. Why not test before a woman becomes pregnant? Then again, medical science is about making money and not about making people well.

9jawife i totally agree with you on this. when i asked my doc why they wait until 3mc and why there is not A WORD said about the mc statistics until it has already happened, he told me: "we don't want to create panic, imagine all those women who would freak out for nothing (and bother us all the time for every little false alarm... this is what he didn't say but it sounded so!)"
but i mean, they bust our balls with STDs, how easily they can be transferred, how lethal they can be, how you can never be sure of a person you are having unprotected sex with unless you have an AIDS test bla bla bla... if THAT is not generating f*** panic, why would just a WORD about mc statistics and one little check up more be a panic-generator?

i think i'm gonna write a sample of a leaflet one of these days myself.. and i'll post it here for some more opinions on it and then go to my ob/gyn and talk to their entire office. oh i am in the revolutionary mode today hahah

That sounds like a plan and a place to start! I'd love to read it if you write something up. My hubby is bringing one of the prenatal records home from his office so I can see what topics are listed on it.