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Old Dec 24th, 2012, 19:15 PM   1
katrus78
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People preferring one twin over the other :(


My girls came out looking very very different from the get go. I mean I expected it since they are fraternal but one looks 100% like me (Sophia) and the other one looks 100% like her dad who is a known donor (Madeleine) (I did IVF). So my family and close friends so obviously aww and uhh over the twin who looks like me and not so much over the other one. Some even openly admit they connect more with Sophie. They find her look more "interesting" and ask to look at her much more.
Sadly, I also feel a bit disconnected from Maddy, despite giving her my favorite name of the two, despite me holding her all the time as she is much more needy and loves to be held and cuddled, and despite her co-sleeping with me (Sophie is really comfortable sleeping and napping in her crib).
I am so scared I won't connect with her and that she somehow will feel it when she is a little older. Or, what if someone will comment on how much she doesn't look like my family. Good thing the known donor I used is committed to see them once a month (at least that's what he said), so they will actually know who their father is down the road. Hopefully, he will open up to his family and his girlfriend about what we did, and than it will be good for his family to see that one of the twins looks so much like them.

Just wanted to get it off my chest, as I don't think there is anyone in the same situation on here...

Sophia (left) and Maddy (right)



 
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Old Dec 24th, 2012, 19:33 PM   2
lizziedripping
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I absolutely love your honesty Kat, and willingness to share how you feel. I think in the long run it helps others to be open and honest too and hopefully makes motherhood easier and less daunting for us all so thanks for that

As for your girls, well what can I say except that they are BOTH just absolutely scrumptious and I am sooo envious. To me they look like sisters with only minimal differences, and you are so blessed. Please don't let the opinions of others upset you in this way - after all the girls do share the same father and outward appearances can't change that honey.

Could it be that family and friends are uncomfortable with the whole donor issue and so don't know how to handle it in front of you? Does Madeleine's appearance force them to confront that? Rather than comment at all they just avoid the topic and inadvertently Maddy too? Not sure if that's the right assessment but wondering if it might be?

We've had similar discussions on here before about people favouring one of our twins over the other tho sweet, and it seems to be a common issue and nothing at all to do with having a donor. You obviously have that as a complicating factor but I think in time this will resolve itself and your girls will be appreciated more each day for the individual qualities they bring to your family. Hope that helps



 
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Old Dec 24th, 2012, 20:21 PM   3
katrus78
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Lizzie, thank you so much! Yes, I am sure my friends and some family members were very uncomfortable with the whole idea of using a donor, let alone me choosing to put two embryos inside me. Quite honestly, I feel that some of them are jealous of how everything turned out. I also had huge gender disappointment issues to deal with, so I took a huge chance choosing two embryos. (I longed for a daughter). A lot of people drove me nuts joking that with the irony of fate, I am surely carrying two boys. So when I found out it was two girls, I was in heaven, and they were... well, kinda weird about it. Now that I gave birth to the girls, they thought and almost wished it would be unbearably hard for me, but instead they see me doing ok and the girls thriving. My mom is helping me a lot, which is how I can handle things much better (But I thought about bringing her to live with me long before I got pregnant). I even got a big promotion while being 4 months pregnant and not hiding it. I can only imagine the conversations going on behind my back among my friends, co-workers and family members!
I would probably completely ignore their comments about Maddy and Sophie, if only I didn't feel the same way. I remember some threads about the similar issue. I also remember looking at the photos of twins in question and thinking how adorable they BOTH were.
I think Maddy might look more like me later. After all, my son didn't look like me until he was about 6-7 years old.
I want to see though if the outsiders thought that Sophia looks cuter than Madeleine?



 
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Old Dec 24th, 2012, 21:16 PM   4
jackie2012
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well i think they do look different from eachother but have some common features too you can tell they are sisters. And i think both are cute.
I feel this way sometime too like because maggie is more demanding and chris is more laid back i spend my time with maggie attending to her needs where as with chris it's more of a get to just play and enjoy time with him. I am hoping as they get bigger maggie will want to play with mom more.
And at first they only looked like me but now that they are getting their baby fat you can see their father especially maggie.
People don't really know how to handle it with me either as thier father couldn't be with us. i am fine with how everything worked out but other people just don't even want to mention their father and in return when they say oh chris looks so much like you and go on about it then as an after thought say oh what a cutie or something like that in passing about maggie and just leave it at that. strangers usually go ga ga over maggie because she is still so small and dainty.
And i faced and still do the people talking behind my back at work. they figured having twins i would be able to cope and when i have it's like they almost resent me or the whole single mother thing theres a lot of rumors out there because i am good at my job and have gotten promotions during my pregnancies too. People thinking i could have only got them one way. but i know i am good at what i do and have earned everything i got and maybe that just makes other people feel insecure or something not sure. I never really understood that, i think it's great when other people do good as well.

anyways long winded comment for saying maybe because maddie is more demanding you feel you can't enjoy her as much as sophie and then in turn feel like your favoring sophie like i feel at times with mine.



 
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Old Dec 24th, 2012, 22:33 PM   5
katrus78
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Jackie, I am a little confused still about my emotions toward the twins. They are only 2 weeks old, so maybe in a month or so I will feel different. I have yet adjusted to the idea that my life's biggest dream came true. In double. It just didn't sink in all the way yet. In fact, I still can't even comfortably say the word "daughter" As for my co-workers, I so can relate! Specifically, my own assistant is a nearly 30 y.o. girl, who is dreaming of having children, but has no relationship. At one point, couple of years ago, we talked about getting pg from a known donor, she even tried, but in a more natural way, iykwim. So now that I did it, I can see she is kinda jealous. Plus, I was promoted into a position that we both applied for, and I ended up to be her boss. She has been more distant than ever since all of this happenned (whereas before we were almost friends).
Anyway, I think I need to try to spend more time with both of them, when they are together. Today, when my mom was taking a nap, a had to hold both of them, while feeding Sophia, since Maddy couldn't settle on her own. And actually, I was in complete awe of how amazing they both are and how lucky I really am. One of those moments, you know...



 
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Old Dec 25th, 2012, 00:10 AM   6
jackie2012
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i know it still hasn't fully sunk in that i have a daughter lol after all boys im still getting used to it. It's all a lot to take in at first and still sometime i just stare at them and think how absolutely blessed i am to have two little angels.
I am sure you will handle it well sounds like you're already determine to make sure that maddie gets the same attention as sophie so it'll all work out.



 
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Old Dec 25th, 2012, 07:51 AM   7
_Vicky_
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Awww bless you!!! For me it was the other way round Fynn (my mini me) was in NICU for three weeks and Sam (ohs mini me) came straight home. I was distraught that I didn't feel like Fynn was even mine! Sam was my son and baby and woke me up in the night etc and fynn was a baby I went to see through the Walls of a cot! I was very confused! ( don't think I have admitted that till now really)

It all changes so fast and at two weeks pp I didn't know much about how I felt so take your time. It's odd now to imagine feeling that way about fynn lol

My boys are three in a few weeks and I go through phases with them in how they need me - six months ago Sam couldn't care if I emigrated but
Fynn hated it if I left the room! Now total opposite!!!

I think with twins you just expect to feel the same as there are two and you had them together BUT they aren't the same are they and they shouldn't be expected to evoke the same emotions in you or anyone else.

Don't be so hard on yourself xxx



 
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Old Dec 25th, 2012, 10:42 AM   8
katrus78
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Vicky, thank you for being so open and honest! I guess I will just wait a few more weeks to see how my feelings will change. Other people's comments upset me but what is more important is my own feelings towards my girls.



 
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Old Dec 25th, 2012, 10:54 AM   9
Bumblebee117
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oh hun I feel your pain! I have/had the same issue with inlaws. they prefer our boy so much over our girl, it hurts! they NEVER cuddle her and in the first few weeks ONLY took pics of him. now they are not interested in either of them and all day today (xmas) I have waited for them to come online (we are with my family this year and will be with them next year) but they just didn't give a damn.

I think that both your girls are absolutely beautiful and it doesn't matter who they look like imo! My dad was never there for me nor my sister (3 years younger than me) and she looks like him and I look like my mum... all my family loves us both the same!

please talk to the people about how you feel and just make sure you give them both as much attention as you can. The first 3months I was spending so much time with my girl as she was totally addicted to me and my boy was really laid back. Now she is really independant and my boy needs more cuddles than her.

also, my daughter was a total mini me til about 2-3 months old and my son a mini-OH and now... OMG Ella is the spitting image of her dad and Finn a mini-me!

Looks change over time and maybe madeleine will look more like you sooner or later!?

Anyways, good luck sweety, I know that everything will be fine! You do love both babies the same but the first few weeks are difficult with sharing love etc.

xxx



 
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Old Dec 25th, 2012, 13:02 PM   10
arj
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They are both adorable, and I couldnt tell which one looks more like you from the photo, had to look at the names. They will change in looks with time tho, and youll find little mannerisms and expressions that Maddy will make that reminds you of yourself. There was always going to be that chance of very different looks, having fraternal twins.

I actually feel the opposite, my twins look like me and my family, not my DH, and all his family go on about it, I feel like Im somehow being selfish by not 'giving the babies any of his looks'!!! I also tried for a girl and told everyone I was trying for a girl.... To everyones delight I got two boys...
I am so happy now that I have them tho, and its only 2 weeks in for you, give it time. Their little smiles will make you connect with them really fast



 
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