someone on the 2nd tri has got me thinking. its never really occurred to me how i will handle visitors when the twins are born.
obviously theres a chance they will be in special care, and that in itself is hard enough on us as parents and on finn(who will be the first visitor no matter what), but also when they come home. they are already a novelty and i know we will be overwhelmed with people wanting to see them.

i dont want finn to feel pushed out and nor do i want it to be a strain on us as parents who are trying to adjust to two newborns, and recover from birth.

but i want people to feel involved.

does anyone have any advice on this?? i know im a bit early in asking but i like to be organised.

I have been thinking about the same as you these past couple of weeks especially as there is the high possibility of my twins arriving early so will more than likely be in special care. I want my 2 other children to be the 1st to see the twins I want them involved as much as possible and don't want them feeling left out in any way, it will be hard enough for me having to stay in hospital from having the csec and not being with them at home.
I have been worrying too about when I come home with the twins about visitors being in our faces! The twins dad will be taking 2 weeks off work when we 1st come home which is great as will give us time to bond as a family and him time alone with the twins.
I just want it to be me my 2 kids the twins and their dad (I know that may sound selfish). My problem is that the twins dad mother is saying she is taking 2 weeks off work too when we come home and wants to be here every day!! I can understand that they are her 1st grandkids but I really do not want her here every day! I think the 1st couple of weeks should be for my own family, my children and partner to get used to the new arrivals and try and sort some basic routines without having to worry about visitors. Is it just me being totally selfish and wanting to keep our kids to ourselves at 1st or can anybody understand where i am coming from? Any advice would also be greatly appreciated on how to deal with the situation x

My situation was a little peculiar. After my twins were born I was hit with major anxiety. I felt as though it was impossible for me to adequately protect them. I wanted them with me at all times. The nurses suggested I let them take them to the nursery at night so I could sleep but I didn't feel comfortable with that.

Many of our friends came to the hospital to see the babies. They were uninvited, and as much as I love them I asked my husband to have them leave. I needed that time for myself, my twins, my other two children and my husband. I had one dear friend there who was helping take care of me. I didn't have the energy or ability to focus on anything outside of our family. I think there were some hurt feelings, but I had to do what was best for me if I was going to properly care for the babies.

Make sure you know what your boundaries are and don't be afraid to set them. In the first few weeks I had minimal contact with the outside world. Visits were brief and my husband made sure I wasn't made uncomfortable. I don't think I could have survived entertaining a constant flow of visitors.

To echo Wind, I'd say you do whatever is right for you and your families girls. If people are offended then they aren't thinking of what is best and right for you, so you shouldn't spend valuable time worrying about causing offence to them.

Any loving, understanding family member wouldn't dream of encroaching on such a special time beyond reasonable limits. There is a kind of 'newborn etiquette' as far as I'm concerned - it's an intimate, unique moment in time which should be dictated by the parents and siblings.

Special care is a definite no no for tribes of visitors anyway, staff are very particular about that in order to protect any other vulnerable babies who might be there at the same time. My preemie daughter was in hospital for 6mths and no one but my parents and grandmother visited in that time. Likewise on her discharge, I didn't let any friends in the house to see her until she was a yr old, and even then they were vetted for infections lol! I wasn't taking any risks with her given how hard she'd had to fight just to live. I lost some friends over it, but in the end I figured they weren't true friends anyway.

I hope I'm not sounding harsh, but I have learnt over the years not to worry too much about doing what feels right for my immediate family, even if it momentarily irritates extended family and friends.

Explain politely but firmly that you'd love family members to meet the new arrivals, but that you need some valuable bonding and recovery time alone with Dh for those first few weeks. If they love you they'll understand.

Feel like I'm ranting now, but I've fretted needlessly over similar issues int he past and wish that I hadn't. Really hope you benefit from my mistakes and are able to do things differently and get the 'newborn period' you are hoping for - its so fleeting that it should be done to your rules. Hope that helps xxx

red movie - i dont think you are unreasonable to not want yr mil there. i actually think that she is rude by "telling" you thats what she is doing. how cheeky.

i was very protective over finn when he was born, id had an emergency section as his heart rate lowered twice then disappeared the third time. he was fine and didnt need special care but i didnt even want to go and pee without him.
i was happy for visitors tho, as i knew during the day it was just the 3 of us.

when i got home, i again was happy with visitors but didnt allow anyone to pick him up without my say so.

this time i think it will be totally different and if im honest i think im a bit scared of how overwhelming it may all be-for all of us.

my oh is not quiet in the tongue and will tell people if they need telling. so far no one has given me any indication they will hassle us but i want to be prepared.

my mil also works at the hospital in a different department, and although this made no difference when i had finn as she never visited me on maternity, i worry she will take it upon herself to go to special care and see them without my consent. can she do this?? am i allowed to discuss with staff my wishes on visitors?

i think its hard enough preparing ourselves for theses babies and what the birth may entail without worrying about others.

i personally am not bothered if i offend, if they cant understand then shame on them, but i need to have it sorted in my head first.

with the special care, i think i will only have our parents, finn, and my siblings in. anyone will have to wait til they are on the ward. is this fair? if they are in there are we (me and oh) allowed in anytime?

sorry for this long panicky post.

You absolutely can tell the hospital staff who is allowed in and who is allowed to hold your babies. (At least in the US. I would think it would be the same elsewhere.) As a matter of fact, my husband and I decided before the birth that I would be the first one to hold the babies. I had a c-section and it was at least 2 hours after their birth before I was brought back to my room and allowed to hold them. My husband and the hospital honored my request. It may seem strange to some, but I really wanted to be the first one to hold them. I don't know how the hospitals work where you live, but here absolutely nobody other than the parents are allowed in the NICU or regular nursery. If visitors want to hold the babies they have to do it in the mother's room.

my mil also works in the hospital dif department and has already said that she will get the staff to let her in to see the babies when I was telling her that im sure its just the mum and dad and siblings that can go in at anytime! I have looked at what the hospitals rules are regarding the special care and it does have set time for grandparents to visit but also states that it is only 2 people to a cot one of which must be a parent. So I will definitely being having words with the staff about her wanting to have access whenever she feels like. My parents will want to visit the babies too so the hr an and half they get will have to be split between all grandparents and do not think it would be fair to my mum and dad if she can come and go as she pleases. My own daughter has said the same that she doesnt want her here every day and at the special care all the time. I too was very protective when I had my 2 other children I didn't like or want anybody else picking them up etc except their dad and my daughter as she was old enough when her brother was born. I was terrible was going to sign myself out of the hospital because they were moaning about my daughter being there all day on the ward. I had instructed my husband to bring her in as soon as they had their breakfast of a morning and would let her have a sleep with me during the day (she was only 2 at the time) and they would go home as late as possible. it broke my heart being away from her. In the end the hospital gave me a private room as I was in for 5 days so that I wouldn't sign myself out. I was a horrible patient!! I know I will be the same this time if anyone try's to keep my children away from me or begin interfering. This is all what im not looking forward to but will have to put people in there place if needs be. x

I agree with alot that has already been said above. SCBU is stressful enough for you as parents, especially once you've been discharged and you are having to travel back and forth to hospital everyday.

My Mum and Dad ASKED my permission to come to the hospital on designated days or night's. If my memory serves me right, grandparents are allowed to sign in but I'm sure that a parent still has to be present and believe me it looks very full when you have you, OH and two grandparents around the incubators.

Friends and those who aren't close family need to really respect boundaries, there is alot to deal with emotionally as it broke my heart leaving my babies every night and you want to spend the time you are there snuggling your babies yourself. Also as Lizzy mentioned they don't need passing round with the chance of infection occuring.

To be honest I'd just say, you need some private family time until you've all adjusted and OH will let everyone know when you are ready for visitors. It's hardwork when the first get home so you need adjusting time, once you are right with it accept all the help that others want to offer I still accept help 7 months on because at times I just want half an hour for "me time" to relax in a bath and the help and visitors are greatly received at those moments xx

the infection part is one of my biggest worries. and as our parents-both sides -are smokers it makes me feel uncomforatble that theyd be visiting them in special care when already vulnerable.

i may be looking into this too much as i sometimes can.

i think what i may do is allow our parents to visit them maybe every couple of days then it lessons the amount, and also on a rota system where they come at a time we say not when they please.

i really dont want his mam taking it upon herself to go up to the ward and let herself in. ill discuss this with the hospital i think.

i know ill find it hard leaving them if they are in special care and as you say it is emotionally hard having yr babies there and you want them to yrselves.

i think ill just have to be upfront from early on, tactfully drop into conversation taht we have bn discussing the visiting etiquete and what we want from it.

even if the babies are fine and come home qiute early its still alot to take in. especially when recovering from a section(people seemed to conveiently forget this after id had finn), but even then i only had one child to look after not 3.

Not to sound mean but I think it is selfish of others to push themselves on new mothers. Everyone is excited, they want to see the babies but it is not a circus act. Especially with twins we need time to come home and adjust and recover from a c-section or a vaginal delivery of 2 babies. I have all my friends saying they want to come to the hospital. I kindly tell them that I am not sure I want visitors because I am having a c-section and need time to recover and I am very nervous about germs and people holding my babies that were just born. I don't appreciate people getting upset over this. My friends laugh it off and say they are coming!! I think I may have DH send out a mass text with a picture of the girls saying they have arrived and are excited to meet everyone once they are home and adjusted. I know family will come to the hospital and that is just fine. I told my mother and MIL not to bring their friends to my house uninvited. This is an exciting time but they are my children and I don't want my house to be a revolving door. I need time to come home, adjust, get the girls on a schedule, and enjoy my time with them and my husband.