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Old Apr 30th, 2013, 20:11 PM   1
PnkPolkaDots
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Poem for my future daughter


After posting my pictures of my baby stash on the baby things thread, I was thinking about this poem/passage I'd written for my future daughter back in 2010. I've never shared it with anyone else except OH, but since everyone here is WTT and there are lots of other ladies who have that longing to be a mother, I thought this would be a safe place to share it. It's long, but here it is if you'd like to read it...






Life flies by when you donít want it to. And takes forever when youíre ready. Wistfully watching that black and white film reel of memories play in my mind. Every time I want to push pause it keeps continuing on. Every time I want to push fast forward, it seems to pause.

Iíve been dreaming about you since I was very young.
I clearly remember being 5 or 6, dressing up as a princess on camcorder, thinking that one day youíd see it.
I thought of you during family vacations as a child, fantasizing about taking you on one someday.

I saw them everywhere. Mothers putting sunscreen on their daughters at Lake Chelan. A mother with her baby girl in the pool. Even at the tender age of 10, I longed for that to be me and you.
I remember going to Disneyland when I was 11. Looking at the courtyard from the balcony of that high rise hotel and seeing a young couple with their baby. I longed for that. Someone to love, who loves me, to have a family with. I would look at catalog families at Christmastime and want to be that. Iíd close my eyes at night and pray for it to happen soonÖ even though I was only 12.

I hated middle school. I hated going there. Just seeing the grounds when weíd pull into the lot in the morning would make me feel sick. Iíd remind myself that I was doing it for you. I was only 13. This was my job right now. This was the best I could do to lay a stable foundation for you at the time.

Just two years later was when I met him. It wasnít long at all after meeting him that I started having dreams of the three of us together. Donít get your hopes up, Iíd tell myself at first. It didnít take long for my heart and soul to push all logic out of my mind. I immersed myself in a fantasy world with him and let myself believe it would come true because it made me happy. I didnít expect to fall so deeply in love. I was only 17 when I knew for sure.

Anyone who wouldíve heard me say that at 17 wouldíve thought I was crazy. Maybe I was, but when love takes over logic becomes lost. Beaches. Parks. Coffee shops. Ice cream shops. Festivals. Fairs. Movies. That pier. Oh man, thatís how it all started. We were kids.

High school graduation. College. Jobs. It never came between us. Young, innocent, black and white snapshots on that pier blossomed into a picturesque walk towards that bridge on his back. At 20, I was no longer a child and kept walking on that bridge as fast and far as I could. Saturday nights eating dinner out. Late night drives to Alki Beach with a cup of coffee. Iíd speak my deepest thoughts then look to the left with my misty eyes and see his understanding expression.

Two confused love birds. No real idea where we were headed. Working more. Choosing majors. It wasnít all work. At 13 I never wouldíve believed that slender 21-year old with flowing hair walking to the parking lot where her boyfriend was waiting for her after work to eat sandwiches and watch the sunset was going to be me.

Pumpkin farms. Flower fields. Stalking searchlights. Bike rides. Walks. Waterfronts. Farmerís Markets. Broadway shows. The ocean. The arboretum. Mountains. Oh it went on. The black and white snapshot memories of a young girl on the pier werenít fading away. They were becoming more in focus.

My longing for you had developed into us longing for you. No longer was I an I. I was an us. A we. We want you. Iíd close my eyes at 21, and think, it canít be long now. We were well on our way to adulthood. 22 came and went. And 23 is at midway.

I see you in my dreams now more than ever. Still mentally telling myself that my current job is to prepare for you. As I get older, I find that Iím running out of jobs. My list keeps getting shorter. No longer do I find myself living my life to get to you. You belong here now. With me. With us. To grow up with us. You donít belong out there anymore. You belong in black and white snapshots with us. Your first smile. Your first laugh. Sitting up. Rolling over. Walking. Talking. Running. Dancing. Writing. Reading. Playing. Your first day of school. Brunches. Beaches. Holidays. Those are the snapshots you belong in. And soon enough, dressing up as a princess while your daddy films you. And the cycle starts over.



 
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Old Apr 30th, 2013, 23:46 PM   2
WantsALittle1
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This really hits home to me. It is beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

The first time I saw my daughter, I looked at her face and said "I've known you my entire life, even though this is the first time we've met."

She was there, and always has been. She has always existed. Meeting this person for the first time--this celebrity and old friend--was mind-boggling.

I can see that you feel some of the same things, and I really do understand. I am WTT/NTNP #2, but I really, truly relate to what you've written. I wrote a letter to my future child when I was TTC.

Thank you so much for sharing!



 
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Old May 1st, 2013, 00:13 AM   3
PnkPolkaDots
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Thank you so much for your comments! I've always wanted to share this with someone, but have always been too nervous to since it's basically my most raw, deepest emotions.

You describing seeing your daughter for the first time made me tear up. I imagine that's how it'll be for me too. Some people will think I'm crazy, but I swear her spirit has been with me my entire life. I get this feeling sometimes that I can't explain. It's just this feeling like, "It's me! Tori!" (We're going to name her Victoria Juliet, nicknamed Tori. Hence my picture.)

I'm so glad to meet someone else who understands. My entire life, all I've ever wanted is to be a mother. She's already the center of my world, and I just can't even begin to imagine how it's going to be when I finally meet her. Like you said... this celebrity and old friend.

Thank you so much again... btw your daughter is adorable, and good luck ttc #2!



 
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Old May 1st, 2013, 05:28 AM   4
wittlebaby23
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I loved this. Beautiful writing.



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Old May 1st, 2013, 12:31 PM   5
WantsALittle1
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You are going to be a wonderful mother, polkadots! Your love is just spilling over and that's just what your baby will need! Tori is going to be amazing. When do you think you'll start trying? BTW, what'll you do if your first bundle is blue? I was sure I was going to have a son first but instead we got our pink ladybug. Oh so happy, but so surprised!



 
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Old May 1st, 2013, 19:08 PM   6
PnkPolkaDots
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WantsALittle1 View Post
You are going to be a wonderful mother, polkadots! Your love is just spilling over and that's just what your baby will need! Tori is going to be amazing. When do you think you'll start trying? BTW, what'll you do if your first bundle is blue? I was sure I was going to have a son first but instead we got our pink ladybug. Oh so happy, but so surprised!
Thank you so much, that means so much to me!

We're hoping to start trying next year sometime. If things go according to plan, we want to get married spring or summer 2014 and start trying right after that. If we have a boy first it really won't matter. I feel like I need to have a daughter at some point, be it first or after a couple boys. I just have this very strong, deep feeling that my first will be a girl. If our first is a boy I'll love him just as much, but I will be very surprised!



 
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