My name is zoey, I'm 26 years old and have 1 son called Jacob who turns 3 in March. I have a partner who I have been with for 10 years this May.
We both want a second baby. I've been fighting the urge for a year and a half but last few weeks I am getting more and more desperate but what puts me off is I suffered severe PND with my son and I am so worried this will happen again. I dont have the best bond with my son because I suffered with PND which I'm certain was a direct result of bad gender dissapointment.
We live in very small accommodation which isn't ideal but we hope to have moved in approx 2 years.
I guess I am not sure what I want from this post other than some words of encouragement! I know I am young and could wait but my mum and dad are suffering with health complications and I don't want a big age gap between my son and new baby. There are more reasons to have a baby soon than not!
I am so sorry you struggled with PND with your first baby. I have not had a baby yet but didn't want to read and run. I do have a bit of insight into this though as a friend of mine suffered with PND with her first baby and also went through anxiety about having another one. But luckily she didn't suffer from it second time around!
You mention the gender disappointment- do you think this will be an issue this time? Or are you happy with either?
I think it is important to remember each pregnancy will be different and just because you have had PND before doesn't mean you will have it again this time around! Also maybe because you are aware with it there are things you can put in place (e.g. strong support system) that will help prevent it.
I'm so sorry about the PND the first time around.
There's no guarantee that you'll suffer from it again though. I think I may have had some mild PND after my DS as well but mine was due to all of the changes that came so suddenly with being a FTM. I definitely didn't have it after my DD.
Gender disappointment would be rough, I'm sorry. I was thrilled to have a boy first as I always hoped for an older boy and a younger girl but I think I probably would have been at least a little disappointed for a while if DD had been another boy instead. I actually gender swayed for her successfully if you'd like to give gender swaying a try.
If you think there are more reasons to start trying than not then I'd say go for it, especially if you and your OH both know for certain that you want another baby.
I keep trying to tell myself that everything will be ok next time around also so I know the feelings you have are not easy to deal with.
First time around, I was a sahm for the first two years then I got a divorce and things turned bad and I feel like I lost some bond with my daughter during that time. Now I work ft and am sharing custody with her dad. She is almost 6 now and I finally found the right man and things are looking great. We decided to ttc in September 2017 which will give us a 7 year age gap. More than I ever hoped for but it was more important to get things sorted in my life first.
I'm worried about the way I'll feel but I know that I will have to address things if I start to feel that way. Last time I didn't and we all suffered in the long run.
Honestly I think if you have good support and you are already preparing to tackle any difficulties that arise, you are in a good position especially if you have more pros than cons.
Is pnd post partum depression? Gender disappointment would be hard. If it was me I would make an appointment with a doctor and ask about the risks. If you aren't sure you could be happy with either gender maybe make a therapy appointment and wait til you can be.
To be honest I never had a great relationship with my mom and while I don't know why she blames me and it honestly makes me want nothing to do with her. I think it would be easy to get the gender you want and never fix things with your son. Just be sure you can love him and enjoy him even if you get the gender you want
Hi my lovely! I understand completely how it feels to feel so torn with your second baby. I am 27 and baby girl is 2 this month!!! I never suffered from pnd or gender disapointment but struggled with my fear of feeling sick and vomiting in the first trimester and have since struggled to stay relaxed when my dd has had vomiting bugs. Sounds ridiculous but it plays on my mind so much. I always worry she will vomit in shops or in the car or when my partners at work. Before she got her first bug i knew i wanted another baby i was sooo broody. I decided to just try anyway but so far it hasn't happened apart from a very early mc.
I currently am surrounded my people with babies under six months. My friends from school on fb are having there 3rd babys etc. i look at my dd and she is not a baby at all anymore. I know i want to experience the whole scans bumps newborns tiny outfits etc etc but i feel as though perhaps us mummys are slightly more scared once we have been through it once.
I think we all have to remember that no two times are the same. Now you know what love is for your first born it will help you to realise you will love your baby male ir female and that there is no shame in wanting a pretty girl to dress up. Alot of mums to little boys wish they could have a daughter just like mums of girls wander about the boy experience. I would love a boy next time but if i had another girl i have plenty of clothes in the loft. So i try find bonus to each gender.
I think there is not necessarily a right time for everyone but this time will be different for you. You will have midwives etc to reassure you and help you and you would get through. Xx
I can understand your worry. I was incredibly anxious about TTC my youngest. I ended up with really bad postpartum depression after having my older daughter. I know part of this was due to the demands of breastfeeding and not having support from my (now ex) husband. In addition to that, I got postpartum depression again with my younger daughter and ended up with PTSD after losing her to SIDS when she was 3 1/2 months old. Shortly after that, my ex and I got divorced. This all happened within 3 years.
My husband and I started TTC in December 2014 and I got pregnant with our son in December 2015. It was a rough journey and that combined with my history, I was absolutely terrified of getting severe PPD after giving birth. However, my youngest is now 5 months old and I haven't gotten it. I'm even exclusively breastfeeding, which factored into my previous experiences with PPD. That was another thing I was really worried about.
My advice would be this - the anxiety just from thinking you might end up with PPD can be overwhelming. Be proactive about it. If you think you'll experience gender disappointment again, get counseling for it. If there were other factors you know played into it, try to come up with solutions before those things become problems. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. Also, trust yourself - if you've had PPD before, you will be better able to recognize it in yourself if it does happen again, which means you can get help earlier and it won't get so bad.
Finally, when the time does come that you have another, be gentle with yourself and doubt think that one bad day means that you're doomed to suffer again. That was the hardest thing for me to do because I tend to have a very all-or-nothing mentality. But just because you have one day where things are bad and all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, that doesn't mean that they're all going to be bad or that you're definitely going to get PPD.
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