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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 07:04 AM   11
chickenchaser
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jennybobenny you have a beautiful way with words. Just wanted to say.



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 07:22 AM   12
calm
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I think in life we have values, and goals how to achieve these values. If your value is to become a mother, and your partner does not have the value to become a parent, there will be a severe clash and it will be hard to be happy. You cannot build your whole life happiness around being a mother, because nothing is for certain, but if you want that choice and chance, it would be time to go for it now. XXX



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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 07:40 AM   13
toffee87
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You weren't to know he would never change his mind. I find it strange that he is SO against it.

It sounds like you want to leave, i would too.



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 11:44 AM   14
Justagirlxx
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I am so sorry for this. What does he mean by saying that he becomes a beast when around children? This must be so hard for you. I really truly hope that you can move on and find someone new to have a child with. I don't think you should stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in. He is holding you back from your dream of having children and I don't think that's right. I also don't think that you should have a baby with someone who is so against it. It wouldn't be fair to the child. I am so sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine what that must be like. I hope everything works out for the best for you. I hope you can find what you are looking for. xoxox



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 12:03 PM   15
odd_socks
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so sorry for ur loss
Is a horrible position that u have been put in and u shouldnt have been put into.
Personally i think id be doing the same thing as u....my OH has told me that we cant have kids right now and he feels that when is down to him, he gets to say when (yes i know im being controlled, but right now its out of my hands) However if we'd been together that long and he didnt support u through the loss of ur child, then i would be having a last heart to heart to him and if he didnt want kids then id be gone (i understand its a very difficult situation)
My ex didnt want kids with me and he was sh!t scared when around kids, but i think its different when its ur own child.
As said above there is a support thread on the site for people who have had miscarriages, ur not along and dont have to feel that way.
I hope whatever happens ur happy good luck x



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 12:59 PM   16
Estrella
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PG5K View Post
i am sorry to hear this.
I went through the same thing with my husband. After we got married he told me he didnt want children and i couldnt change his mind. I broke down and had a terrible few months. I was broody and i didnt know if i could get through it, so i gave him to this christmas just gone to make a final decision about whether we were going to have children or not.

I said that if we weren't then we would have to go to councilling together to make our relationship last. I also bought a good book about women who cannot have children even though they want to and read a blog called 'childless by marriage'.

It is possible to make your marriage survive without children but if your need for a child is going to be more than you love your husband then it sounds like you might resent him for the rest of your lives together.

My husband changed his mind but for a while i never believed he would. I went through all the same emotions as you and cried all of the time.
I will send you a pm.
Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry for all that you suffered. It's the worst feeling. I am glad for you that your husband changed his mind. I tried to PM you, but I couldn't find a link for PMing you. I did the things you suggested (getting books, etc.,) and even asked him to go to therapy with me, but he said that he is clear on what he wants and that he doesn't need therapy. My husband hasn't changed his mind ever and told me several times that if having a child is important to me then I will have to find someone who wants that with me. I gave him an ultimatum in 2005 and he told me that if that's what I needed in my life then we would need to part ways. I have shed a river of tears over the years and I stayed in 2005 because I foolishly thought he would change his mind (he is younger than I am), but he never did. He said that he doesn't like children - he says they are messy, annoying, ungrateful, a financial and emotional drain that he wants no part of. He wants to enjoy his life. He used to say that to me and now he says that it's not that he doesn't like kids, but that he doesn't like people in general. I told him that I would not want to have a child with him because he wouldn't make a good father. When he is around children, he ignores them completely. It's like they don't exist. When he is around animals, it's a different story - he is overcome with love and joy and goes out of his way to pet them. He also told me that he would be angry if we had kids and our kids were better looking than him and taller. All of this recently came out and it has made me seriously wonder about him as a person. It breaks my heart. He has been nice to me and helped me through some things, but when it comes to children, he is indifferent. Thank you again for your support and kindness.



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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 13:02 PM   17
Estrella
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Welsh_mum2be View Post
Hi,

It must be awful for you, you must feel so alone trying to cope with your loss with no support or empathy from your husband. Are you altogether unhappy with the relationship, or is it just the refusal of a family from him that makes you unhappy? I know its a hard question to answer because it probably seems that him not wanting a family is taking over any other feeling you have for him.

I really don't know what advise to give, but I suppose you have to do what is right for YOU and what will make you happy. There is really no point being with someone who make you that unhappy.

So sorry to hear you story xxx
Thank you so much for your kindness. I used to be unhappy with just not having children, but after the m/c, he destroyed me inside. Before the m/c, I used to feel like I couldn't bear life without him, but after that happened, I started questioning his love for me. I have been thinking so much over the years and I have concluded that man that truly loves a woman will move heaven and earth to make her happy.



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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 13:08 PM   18
Estrella
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Originally Posted by jennybobenny View Post


My last relationship was supposed to be forever. We lived together and while he had a vasectomy during his previous marriage, he told me he'd get it reversed so we could have a baby. But when I moved in and brought it up, he acted like we had never even had the conversation. Suddenly, he didn't ever want to have more kids and he didn't ever want to get married again! I loved him so much, I pretended it was all okay for a while, but I was dying inside. After a year of misery I moved out. It was one of the hardest things I ever did and I still think about him a lot (a year and a half later). However, on a deeper level I am happier than I've ever been because although I'm alone, I'm living my life true to myself.

I'm 38 and never thought I'd be doing this alone, but I am meant to be a mom and so I am doing it on my own. Mr. Right may come along afterwards, but even if he doesn't I'm sure I'll have enough love with my little one that I will have a happy life.

You say you're 99% sure so I take that as a "yes I'm leaving him" and I wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk or vent or ask for advice, I am definitely here for you. I've been there (minus the m/c - sorry for your loss).

You only have one life. Make your choices based on that. When you are at the end of your life, what will you rejoice and what will you regret? Things will become clearer if you imagine that.

All the best! xo
Jen
Jen, thank you so much for sharing with me. I am so sorry for all that you went through. It's a horrible feeling. Thank you for offering to be here for me. You hit the nail on the head when you said that you have to be true to yourself and to see down the road when I'm old and reflecting on my life the things I regretted and was glad that I did. I wish you the very best with your future baby. I am sure you will be filled with so much love and joy every time you look at your precious baby.



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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 13:12 PM   19
Estrella
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Justagirlxx View Post
I am so sorry for this. What does he mean by saying that he becomes a beast when around children? This must be so hard for you. I really truly hope that you can move on and find someone new to have a child with. I don't think you should stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in. He is holding you back from your dream of having children and I don't think that's right. I also don't think that you should have a baby with someone who is so against it. It wouldn't be fair to the child. I am so sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine what that must be like. I hope everything works out for the best for you. I hope you can find what you are looking for. xoxox
Thank you for your compassion. I appreciate it. I asked him to explain what he meant by becoming a beast and all I remember him saying was that he feels anger and aggravated when around children. He later apologized for saying that. This was after the m/c. I have never known someone to dislike children so much. My doctor told me that he needs therapy because he has underlying issues from his childhood. I agree with you that having a child with him would be a mistake because the baby would pay the ultimate price. I want to have a child with someone who wants a baby and wants to be an involved father and do all of the family things.



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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 13:27 PM   20
Estrella
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Ladies, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for not judging me and thank you so much for reaching out to me and offering words of advice. I appreciate it so much. While I can't turn back the hands of time, I have to move forward. I have to accept whatever consequences come with this current relationship when I leave. I realize that it is difficult to find a good guy. When we were dating, we weren't around children and so I never got a glimpse as to how he would behave around them. As our families starting having children, I noticed how indifferent he was around other kids. What killed me inside finally was the morning of the m/c and how I cried and cried and his serious demeanor at the ER. He never shed a tear at the ER. I was in hysterics when the doctor confirmed the loss. The morning of the m/c, I kept bleeding and I was so frightened. The doctor told him to rush me to the ER. Before he did that, he packed up some snacks. I stood there in the kitchen bleeding and in disbelief as I watched him pack up snacks to take with him because he was hungry. He later apologized for doing that and I told him that was selfish of him and if he were in need of going to the ER ASAP that the last thing on my mind would be food. This is all so embarrassing for me to say... I thought that maybe after that happened and seeing how much pain and sadness I was in would be enough for him to change his mind, but he told me that he will never ever change his mind. After that incident, I started questioning his love for me. Over the years, I told him how much it hurt for me to see his family members with their children and he didn't say anything. I even gave him a letter for Christmas telling him the unbearable pain that loss has caused and he told me that he felt like I was saying goodbye and he left the room. I just wanted for once to hear him say that he felt bad about the loss of our child - to express some pain over that. For once, I wanted to hear that he felt bad for me and that we never got to meet our child. I wanted to know that he feels some sadness over the loss, but clearly, he doesn't. His indifference has shattered me and made me wonder about him as a person. He is loving towards me and is nice to me, but when it comes to that subject, he shows no emotion. I will always mourn the loss of that child. I finally realized that I can't change someone and make a person want what I want. It's so sad it took this long for me to realize that. Thank you again for everything. I am very grateful.



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