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Old Jan 4th, 2011, 18:39 PM   1
Estrella
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Desperate for Advice


Ladies, please help me. I know that I should have made a decision years ago. I kick myself. I ask for honest advice and compassion - please. I am crying as I write this. I can't do this anymore. I have been with my hubby for a decade. I asked him 5 years ago to please please please have a baby with me and he refused. I begged and pleaded. He still said no. He said we had an agreement before we married that we wouldn't have kids. I feel so stupid for agreeing to that. I shouldn't have agreed to that. I shouldn't have married him. Last year, I ended up getting accidentally pregnant and then lost the pregnancy during the first trimester. I was devastated. I cried daily. Suffering from the loss got so bad that the doctor put me on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication because I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. When my husband found out that I was pregnant, he cried. He didn't want this child and I told him that I would have the baby regardless because I couldn't end the pregnancy. I endured severe stress from his behavior over my being pregnant. He acted like someone had died and was literally lifeless. He wouldn't play pool. He was quiet and then one evening, he told me that when he is around kids that he becomes like a "beast." I told him that there was something very wrong with him to react this way. After I lost the baby, he returned to normal. He played pool again and didn't show emotion over the loss. He told me that he didn't consider the baby to be alive and that he doesn't consider a child alive until it's born. I feel ripped to shreds. I have built a life with him and he refuses to have a baby with me. I told him that I am going to make a decision by this Spring about whether or not I am leaving him. I am 99% sure I am leaving. Do you think I am being irrational in wanting to move on from this relationship?? I feel horrible. I can't even begin to describe how awful I feel. My most fertile years are behind me. I am 39. I don't even know if I can conceive. We have been through so much together and I have told him over the years how much pain not having a child has caused me and it doesn't faze him. He has killed me inside. I feel like I have nothing left - no happiness, no joy.



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Old Jan 4th, 2011, 19:23 PM   2
mom22boys
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I am so sorry for you! That is awful. I don't know what to say.



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 02:46 AM   3
Welsh_mum2be
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Hi,

It must be awful for you, you must feel so alone trying to cope with your loss with no support or empathy from your husband. Are you altogether unhappy with the relationship, or is it just the refusal of a family from him that makes you unhappy? I know its a hard question to answer because it probably seems that him not wanting a family is taking over any other feeling you have for him.

I really don't know what advise to give, but I suppose you have to do what is right for YOU and what will make you happy. There is really no point being with someone who make you that unhappy.

So sorry to hear you story xxx



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 04:06 AM   4
BabyQ
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I'm so sorry, I felt so bad for you reading your story. I believe the worst thing in life for a woman must be to want a baby but not be able to have one, i've felt broodiness, it's probably the most strongest and deepest emotion I have ever felt. For a man to be controlling that I just find unimaginable

If I was in your situation I would leave him, without a doubt.

You are only here on earth once.

BUT I'm not you, please be strong enough to do what you feel is best for you xxxxxxx



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 04:25 AM   5
Toffee23
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Wow, I can only imagine what you are feeling. I know the feeling of being broody is so overpowering and when denied it feels like your whole world and existance is for nothing. i have been broody since the day i got married and my hubby was adamant that we could not try or even think about a baby until he was ready. It is the worst feeling ever.

My logic is that men are terrified of children or the thought of having a baby around the house and so they think they will be 'beasts' with children. I think showing men the lighter side to babies helps change their mind. Also men fear that their lives are going to come to a grinding hault, all hobbies, activities come to a stop. Which is not true and I think men need to be reassured of that.

As Welsh_mum2be said, are you altogether unhappy in the relationship? If you are only unhappy about the family side, perhaps find ways to change his mind. If your hubby is serious about your marriage and cares about your needs he will come around and if he does not then i would question his reasons.

I wish i had more concrete advise but let him know how serious you are about a baby - gently.

Holding thumbs that he changes his mind!



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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 04:30 AM   6
chickenchaser
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Sweetheart, reading your post I feel as if you have already made up your mind on what you are going to do. You obviously love him but not having a family is not working for you, you have tried and still you are unhappy.
Yes you may not be able to have children of your own but with his feelings your other options are also closed.
Many single women go on to have children by themselves and if you are strong enough to walk out on a long term relationship then you are strong enough to go it alone.
Good luck to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please let us know what you decide.



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 04:49 AM   7
aubreee
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sweetie i just wanted to send you a big hug

there is lots of single women out there who start the journey into motherhood on their own!
I'm really sorry that the situation with your husband turned out to end like this.

You are gonna feel what the right decision is for you!



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 05:00 AM   8
PG5K
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i am sorry to hear this.
I went through the same thing with my husband. After we got married he told me he didnt want children and i couldnt change his mind. I broke down and had a terrible few months. I was broody and i didnt know if i could get through it, so i gave him to this christmas just gone to make a final decision about whether we were going to have children or not.

I said that if we weren't then we would have to go to councilling together to make our relationship last. I also bought a good book about women who cannot have children even though they want to and read a blog called 'childless by marriage'.

It is possible to make your marriage survive without children but if your need for a child is going to be more than you love your husband then it sounds like you might resent him for the rest of your lives together.

My husband changed his mind but for a while i never believed he would. I went through all the same emotions as you and cried all of the time.
I will send you a pm.



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 05:06 AM   9
PG5K
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PG5K View Post
i am sorry to hear this.
I went through the same thing with my husband. After we got married he told me he didnt want children and i couldnt change his mind. I broke down and had a terrible few months. I was broody and i didnt know if i could get through it, so i gave him to this christmas just gone to make a final decision about whether we were going to have children or not.

I said that if we were then we would have to go to councilling together to make our relationship last. I also bought a good book about women who cannot have children even though they want to and read a blog called 'childless by marriage'.

It is possible to make your marriage survive without children but if your need for a child is going to be more than you love your husband then it sounds like you might resent him for the rest of your lives together.

My husband changed his mind but for a while i never believed he would. I went through all the same emotions as you and cried all of the time.
I will send you a pm.
Unfortunately i cant send you a PM until you have 10 posts. If you do get 10 posts, if you want to send me your address via private message, if you live in the UK, and i will be happy to give you my book. No probs if you dont want to though.



 
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Old Jan 5th, 2011, 06:48 AM   10
jennybobenny
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My last relationship was supposed to be forever. We lived together and while he had a vasectomy during his previous marriage, he told me he'd get it reversed so we could have a baby. But when I moved in and brought it up, he acted like we had never even had the conversation. Suddenly, he didn't ever want to have more kids and he didn't ever want to get married again! I loved him so much, I pretended it was all okay for a while, but I was dying inside. After a year of misery I moved out. It was one of the hardest things I ever did and I still think about him a lot (a year and a half later). However, on a deeper level I am happier than I've ever been because although I'm alone, I'm living my life true to myself.

I'm 38 and never thought I'd be doing this alone, but I am meant to be a mom and so I am doing it on my own. Mr. Right may come along afterwards, but even if he doesn't I'm sure I'll have enough love with my little one that I will have a happy life.

You say you're 99% sure so I take that as a "yes I'm leaving him" and I wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk or vent or ask for advice, I am definitely here for you. I've been there (minus the m/c - sorry for your loss).

You only have one life. Make your choices based on that. When you are at the end of your life, what will you rejoice and what will you regret? Things will become clearer if you imagine that.

All the best! xo
Jen



 
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