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Old Feb 2nd, 2011, 11:30 AM   1
acyana
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Conflicts between spouses WTT/TTC.. ?


Hi everyone. I'm new here. I just needed a place to vent and to be told whether things are normal or abnormal between my husband and I. We each have our opinions which tends to bias things. I don't want to bring other family members in on our issues because 1.) I don't want anyone to be upset 2.) I think telling them anything would not help the situation any.

So here's my dilemma. My husband and I have been through the best of times and the God-awful-want-to-die worst of times. We have made it through though not without battle scars. We do care for each other a lot. I may act a little childish and bullheaded sometimes which sets off his quickfire temper. I have never liked arguing/fighting with him. It makes me horribly sad.

Recently we have been talking about TTC. I'm turning 30 this year, he 31. He's in his 2nd year of Pharmacy school, I hold a steady average salary job. He lives in one city where the Pharmacy school is, I live in another with his parents, my in-laws. My schedule at work is one where I work seven days straight, then have the following seven days off... so we do have time together. I want to have children one day... and I was willing to wait.. but I didn't want to be an old mother. I know it's wrong to think of things like this, but in my mind, as long as I wasn't outside the norm in waiting, I was content. But two of my friends are now preggers. These ladies are the same age and have husbands with jobs, and a house of their own. They are SEVERAL steps ahead of my husband and I.

Now when I brought up TTC, my husband was on board... Until the point when I told him I wanted to definitely move out of his parents home (it's actually attached to their place of business and not a separate house) and have a place of our own. He's a very financially responsible man. He realizes his dad pays for his schooling right now. The house he currently lives in to go to school was paid for by his dad for him and his brother. (His brother's wife has an EXPENSIVE condo in another city paid in full by his dad as well)... My request for moving out was met with disdain by hubby. Said we didn't have the finances for it.

So my argument was, if his dad could provide all this other stuff for his brother and his wife, could he not monetarily HELP us.. not give but HELP... and my husband was adamant in not taking help. We argued/fought back and forth.. Tons of tears wear shed. I was stubborn in what I wanted and he was too. He has a lot of pride. But does he think it's really ok to raise a family in his parents' home? Is that normal?

Is it normal we argued over this? We came to the compromise of moving out to a decent apartment or rental home one month before baby arrives (whenever that is).. We don't plan on living in the area after he finishes school.. so technically we would be in that space for a little over a year.

I guess what I want to know is, are there people in this situation? Husband in school, living with inlaws, TTC, and having an argument?? Are we normal? Are we ready? HELP!!!

P.S. My in laws are good to me.. MIL is OCD and has no clue what privacy is.. she's walked in on my naked THREE times because she doesn't knock. The place is hers, I have no right to bar her from any part of it. I know staying there would permanently ruin our relationship..



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Old Feb 2nd, 2011, 13:20 PM   2
acyana
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Please someone reply...



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Old Feb 2nd, 2011, 13:26 PM   3
MissKM
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hiya...im not sure how much advice i can give you but if u ever just want to vent...feel free.

i can relate to the arguments though its awful...me and my OH have them frequently about when is the 'right time'...like your situation...we are both very stubborn.

but i know moving out is something you definitely need to do. however im not too sure if leaving moving out until a month before the baby is born will be a good idea...it will be really stressful for you and if it was me id like to be at least a little settled before the little one arrived. BUT if its the best compromise you can come to then i totally understand!

i lived with my OH in his dads house, where we sort converted the dining room into a bedroom for a while...and as lovely as my OH's dad is privacy was a HUGE issue...we wernt even allowed to close the 'bedroom' door until the rest of the house had gone to bed!!! it was a nightmare. moving out of there was one of the best things we did...especially for our relationship.

and of course you are normal...everyones circumstances are different and everyone argues till they are blue in the face with their other half its just finding the calmness to try and talk it over and come to a compromise without it turning into world war three (which is easier said than done i know). and i wouldnt say that you are not ready for a child...i think you are just thinking more logically about your situation than your OH, its perfectly understandable that you want a little place of your own to bring your baby up in.

i dont really feel like ive helped much but i hope something may be of use xx



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Old Feb 2nd, 2011, 14:51 PM   4
odd_socks
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissKM View Post
hiya...im not sure how much advice i can give you but if u ever just want to vent...feel free.

i can relate to the arguments though its awful...me and my OH have them frequently about when is the 'right time'...like your situation...we are both very stubborn.

but i know moving out is something you definitely need to do. however im not too sure if leaving moving out until a month before the baby is born will be a good idea...it will be really stressful for you and if it was me id like to be at least a little settled before the little one arrived. BUT if its the best compromise you can come to then i totally understand!

i lived with my OH in his dads house, where we sort converted the dining room into a bedroom for a while...and as lovely as my OH's dad is privacy was a HUGE issue...we wernt even allowed to close the 'bedroom' door until the rest of the house had gone to bed!!! it was a nightmare. moving out of there was one of the best things we did...especially for our relationship.

and of course you are normal...everyones circumstances are different and everyone argues till they are blue in the face with their other half its just finding the calmness to try and talk it over and come to a compromise without it turning into world war three (which is easier said than done i know). and i wouldnt say that you are not ready for a child...i think you are just thinking more logically about your situation than your OH, its perfectly understandable that you want a little place of your own to bring your baby up in.

i dont really feel like ive helped much but i hope something may be of use xx
i would say the same, everyones circumstances are different, its difficult to give proper advice to u i wish i could be more help



 
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Old Feb 2nd, 2011, 16:16 PM   5
i want it all
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I know a few people who live with their in-laws, and this is not healthy on the relationship - when the LO has arrived! Beforehand though things were great! It would drive me mad living with either my parents, or my ILs!

I think arguments are normal. It's such a big change to your life, you're bound to have slightly different opinions from time to time! I wouldn't ask for help from his parents though. What they do for one sibling isn't really your business, and doesn't mean they have to do the same for you! However, if they are kind enough to help one, then they would probably offer to help you also.



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Old Feb 2nd, 2011, 16:49 PM   6
geogem
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O you are definately normal hun, I agree you should probably get a place of your own. The problem is if you MIL has OCD then fetching a baby into the house could be a recipe for disaster - I'm not saying she would be trouble but as you said if she doesnt give you privacy now, would she be able to keep a step back with the baby. From my experience people can interfere and this can cause arguements with you and hubby as he will be stuck in the middle.

I understand where you are coming from totally as I lived with my MIL when I had my 1st son and it was a nightmare! she told me when I was pg that she wouldnt try and interfere and it was my baby so she would let me get on with it. LIE!!! she took over from the start and caused arguments between me and OH so we swiftly moved out.

Hope you get it sorted and decide on the way forward soon.



 
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Old Feb 2nd, 2011, 17:58 PM   7
acyana
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All of you are angels. My heart feels in turmoil sometimes. I guess it's akin to having anxiety attacks. I get this overwhelming surge of worry, stress, panic. I just need a calming voice (or posts) to tell me I'm not abnormal in my wants. It'll work out. My husband and I have been through the fires of helll together and have come out on the other side. If we can withstand those things, I just need to have faith these things will work out.



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