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Old Feb 9th, 2011, 14:20 PM   1
fabz
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What a difference 6hrs makes


This may be a bit long winded and a bit of a rant so i apologise!! but i need to get it all out!!

so.....saturday night, me and OH went out with his sister and some friends, he got a bit tipsy! but i didnt drink as usual! once we got home we started getting a bit frisky and half way through he tells me he's not going to pull out, which he does all the time.
this shocked the hell outta me but after a while we stopped and started talking...
he told me how he thinks about us having kids all the time when he's a work and cant wait til im pregnant!! he was so excited and genuinely happy and eventually said we were offically going to start trying!! alot of things were said and i have never been happier!! he knows how much i want us to start trying and to have our own family (he has a DD)

fast forward 6 hours, we were driving to his parents and he tells me that maybe its best until i get a better job, blah blah blah. i am making good money now, and we know we could cope just fine.
then as the day went on, he was talking about things that we could start getting once i get a better job...not once mentioning a family.

i felt so depressed and am still struggling to smile and get on with things.
last night he kinda brought it up, saying about maternity pay etc but i still feel so down.

i just dont know what to do, i have a couple of job interviews lined up, but if these dont work out, or even if they do, god knows when he will stick with a decision (hes changed his mind a few times)

if you made it through all of that im sorry for the ramble!! i just need to get it all out!!



 
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Old Feb 9th, 2011, 14:36 PM   2
fumbles
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aww sorry to hear this hun I think men get scared of change, especially when things are going good.
Maybe you could sit down with him again and go over your sums together, and show him how affordable it could be. Maybe also reassure him how things between the both of you won't change after bub is born.

I hope things get better soon



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Old Feb 9th, 2011, 14:41 PM   3
MummytoSummer
 
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Aw I'm sorry that you're feeling so down and your oh has gone back on his decision, even if he was a little tipsy at the time that's cruel of him to say he wants you both to start trying only to then change his mind.

I really think you need to ask him to sit down with you and have a really good talk about why he changed his mind. I know he said it was to do with your job and being on better money etc etc but if you know you could manage as you are now and you're both ready in every other respect then it could just be he got really scared all of a sudden having said to go for it, maybe he just needs reassurance from you.
It might be good to work out what you'd get in maternity pay and work out your outgoings etc and see if it'd be affordable. Once the initial things are bought for the baby, as in Moses basket, car seat, pram etc, babies really don't cost all that much anyway! We were lucky in that we were bought a lot of the bigger items and we stocked up on loads of nappies, wipes and clothes whilst I was pregnant and now my little girl is 7 months old and we've just used the last box of nappies we'd bought (we bought them in a range of sizes). It can be as expensive or as cheap as you want it to be so if money is his only issue then just working out the costs practically can help. It'd be a whole 9 mo this before a baby was here anyway.

Plus perhaps starting a new job would be best after your maternity leave. If you started a new job now and got pregnant really fast it's unlikely you'd be entitled to their maternity package and would probably only get smp.

I really hope you get things sorted and are able to set a date that's good for both of you!

Good luck Hun

Xxx



 
Old Feb 9th, 2011, 14:52 PM   4
fabz
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Thank you both!!

oh, i forgot to mention i was also ovualting at the time so this made it a bit harder when he said we would have to wait!!

anyways, i got lists and lists of things we would need to get-essentials, before birth, after birth, etc etc!! bit of a list freak! and i have a general idea of how much it would cost us, and like we have both said, there is never a 'right time' to have a baby.

im just researching maternity leave again, i cant remember how long you have to be with an employer before you are eligble for MP.
I think i would be a bit silly to start a new job, only to leave to have a baby in a year (or less)

i just want him to give me a date-something i can focus on and head towards!!



 
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Old Feb 9th, 2011, 15:17 PM   5
MummytoSummer
 
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Well it sounds like you're sorted on knowing what you'll need for a baby etc so I'm sure once you get to sit down and talk through it all youll come to an agreement.

I know every company is different but generally I found that to get smp you just have to be working for the company BEFORE you fall pregnant. If you want the companies own maternity pay then you'll need to satisfy their own criteria (for my company you need to be there a year). However, I was already 3 and a half months pregnant when I started my job so I wasn't entitled to their pay or smp but I was entitled to maternity allowance which is 124.88 a week for 39 weeks so it's actually the same rate as smp.

I'm sure you'll get it sorted!

Xx



 
Old Feb 10th, 2011, 11:56 AM   6
odd_socks
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so sorry ur going through this my OH changes his mind all the time to which is so hard cus it builds u up then u come crashing down and they dont even realise what it does to u



 
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Old Feb 11th, 2011, 09:06 AM   7
fabz
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Tell me about it!! lol

started to feel a bit happier the last day or so, but starting to feel crappy and emotional again!!

god, being a women can be soooo hard sometimes!!!

looks like its going to be next year the way things are going

so for now im gunna go snuggle up and watch crap tele and wait for OH to come back from work!!! and hopefully build up to courage to talk about it again.



 
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Old Feb 12th, 2011, 12:43 PM   8
odd_socks
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good luck x



 
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Old Feb 12th, 2011, 15:47 PM   9
ruiz1981
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hiya i know how that feels, i think you should work out how much you would qualify for in benefits etc so that you can say to your other half this is how much you would get etc per mth, work your finances out and see what he says, like you said there never really is a right time, it does feel like a kick in the teeth when your hopes are dashed like that, men dont think as to how it affects us when they build our hopes up, my OH had said he would want to start trying for a baby, then 4 days later he started saying hes worried about money etc....i felt so crushed, he has 2 kids with his ex wife who he doesnt get to see due to his ex trying to hurt him, we have been through court, he has a court order to see them but she has just brain washed the kids now, we have been married for nearly 2 yrs and I have been waiting...waiting for the kids to come around, waiting for the rite time, then i just got fed up thinking about what everybody else wanted and decided i wanted to try now, my OH has said now he wants to try but due how crushed i felt i dont believe him, i dont know if hes saying that to keep the peace, he said he really means it and wants us to have a family together but that feeling i felt when i felt he didnt want a family with me has made me so cautious and im confused about what im going to do, i dont want to end up pregnant then find out he only agreed for me, i want it to be what the both of us wants, some men really just dont have a clue of how hurtful they can be at times



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Old Feb 12th, 2011, 16:08 PM   10
Tanzibar83
 
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Aww the confusion it must cause the both of you must be driving you both bonkers!

I blame Disney personally - watching all those fairy tale films and all those images it puts in your head of how you should grow up and do things in the right order. But this is the real world, life isn't fairy tale perfect so on the one hand you could wait til you're both in a better position financially but then what after that? wait til you can afford a property (if you havent already), then start a school fund, then make sure the jobs you're both in are stable and long term...I guess what I'm trying to say there is you can spend the rest of forever trying to do "it" all correctly but I would personally do what makes you both happy.

Communication is vital, I reckon to clear up the air come to a point where you both feel your future is plotted out the best way possible for you. But be realistic, you should discuss what to do should you become pregnant this time round. At the end of the day if jobless people can survive in the UK with 5+ kids on "magic money" then you shouldn't have to have that worry over your heads.

Keep us updated and good luck



 
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