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Old Mar 22nd, 2011, 16:52 PM   1
Broodylady
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Am I crazy to even consider?


Hi all! I need some emotional guidance and this is the best place I think ill get it! I am 22 almost finished with uni (not sure if im going for my masters yet but considering) I have been married for 1 1/2 years and my hubby is in the army so he is away alot I think I see him 4 days in a month because he lives on a base in another part of the country so I cant really afford to drive and see him and with being in uni I can't get a married quarters and stay there! Anyway because we spend so much time apart we arent exactly in a proper 'relationship' ive moved back in with my parents because I was so lonely and we are taking some time apart to work things out I am a very independant person and I think whatever happens I don't want to stay married its just not for me and I can't be tied to someone like that! We are very close and see each other when we can and he will aways be a part of my life if we never get back together (My life is complicated! Very!) I am very broody though and I want to have children before I start my career I worry if I leave it too long it will be too late for me to have children and I don't want to get into a career and then finish half way through to have kids! (God I sound selfish!) I am not afraid of the work even if we were still living together I would techincally be raising the chlid on my own so that doesn't scare me and by living at home I have a much bigger support network so it would be better here anyway I know it would be hard work and I am probably too young and not ready yet in peoples eyes but I am very mature my father became a tetraplegic through spinal cancer when I was 15-16 and needs 24hr care and now me, my mom and sis are all carers for him so im used to hard work and had to grow up quickly! I know I havent got a house of my own etc but I dunno! Am I being ridiculous in even thinking about a baby?



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Old Mar 22nd, 2011, 20:16 PM   2
holly2234
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Its not ridiculous. Im younger than you and also dont have my own house (live with just my OH and our daughter but its not our house) so im in no position to say anything! Though i do think your husband needs to agree to having a baby before trying for one. But i totally understand how you feel about wanting one now. I wanted a baby, so my OH and i had one. It worked for us (we didnt even live in the same country at the time!). It can work but i think it really would help if you were together before trying. Good luck.



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Old Mar 22nd, 2011, 20:32 PM   3
EngineerGirl
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I don't think you need to think of your career as a monolithic entity that can't be stopped. Careers are way more complicated than people tend to think when they are in school. You will probably change jobs many times - that's life in 2011 and onward. You'll have part time job opportunities. So I wouldn't necessarily feel pressure to start now because of a career. Quite the opposite - having a baby will change your chances on a career and lessen your options. You'll have to support your DS/DD so you'll have to stick with whatever you can find, you know? When it's just you, there's less pressure.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't think about it. It's just that if I were you I wouldn't worry about now being the only time for a baby.

I'd also encourage you to figure out your trajectory with your husband and have some honest chats about where you see the two of you going. Maybe he'll provide you some good thoughts as well.

If you see yourself living with your parents when you have a child, you'll also want to get an idea of what you think they'd think of that. At least think through their perspective, perhaps.

Good luck with your thinking.



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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 00:00 AM   4
dizzy65
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i dont think it is ridiculous.. im just about 21 with a 7month old and DF and i are living at his dads for the time being..



 
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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 06:25 AM   5
Broodylady
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Thankyou for the replies guys! I know careers can be changed and if I had a child when I am a bit older it wouldnt be awful it just my mom had me and my sis when she was in her 30s and since having us she has had many career changes and now is in a job she hates but now thinks she is too old to change again! I keep telling her its ridiculous but she isnt budging and I dont want to end up like that (although I know my chances are very slim) I dunno we were discussing having children before I moved back home even if things hadnt changed I would be alone majority of the time anyway! Another reason we called it a day is that we ultimately want different things he wants to move to OZ and I want USA but I do want a child with him and by the time I move, start my career and find someone else who wants kids it may be too late! My parents wouldnt be unhappy because they know I am responsible enough they would be concerned about the whole what would happen between me and OH thing! Well truth is that I could be pregnant already I stopped the pill half way through late Nov/Dec I have had a couple of normal periods but last month early Feb I had a very light and short period and now I am 2 weeks late but 2 neg tests but have had bad backache, bloatedness and frequent urination so I want to check just incase! Feel like a time waster though been before and they just dismissed me saying dont be a fool!



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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 06:29 AM   6
Broodylady
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Hmm never mind cant get into the doctors till monday! Rubbish!



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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 15:52 PM   7
lori
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I don't know how well this post will go over, but I don't think it's a great situation. I don't think that career is the only issue. If I'm reading this right, you said that you don't plan to stay in this relationship. Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for single mothers, they are superheros and I couldn't do what they do.

Planning a baby when you have no career, are living with your parents, and are planning to leave your husband seems kind of irresponsible. Do you think it's fair to have a baby with someone if your intention is to move to a different continent? It sounds as though you don't care if your baby has a relationship with his/her father and are more concerned that things won't happen according to your timing. Again, sorry if this comes off as rude, but it almost sounds like you just want to have a baby with your current husband because it would be inconvenient to find someone else. I hope your husband knows what your intentions and feelings are before he agrees to TTC.



 
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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 16:14 PM   8
hannab
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i kind of agree with lori. i think regardless of age, career issues, houseing issues and plans/hopes for the future, i think that you should make sure as much as you can that whoever you have a child with is someone you want to be with forever and love. it sounds like your relationship with your husband is coming to an end and i dont think it would be fair to any of you to have a child if thats the case.sorry if thats harsh but as a someone whos parents divorced and because of that i didnt get to live with my brothers for a long time, i feel its important to make sure your having a child with the right person.



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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 16:24 PM   9
Broodylady
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No I appreciate your honesty I know it seems harsh that I have my life to what seems like a unmoveable schedule and that having a child and moving to another continent seems idealistic however, ideally I would of prefered to stay with OH I have waited for almost 6 years and after years of being told he would leave the army, 5 years of him being in Germany and then transfer to england and seeing him 4 days a week I got fed up and didnt want to wait any longer. Its true I have no job at the moment because my contract finished in Jan and im looking around for another however, with being a full time student its likely to be April before I can get another one and at the moment I havent got alot of money because while I was waiting for OH we had a flat and all my money went into running the place and unfortunately had to spend alot of money on vet bills because my rabbit wasnt well and unfortunately passed away. I am very independant and finding someone else wouldnt be an inconvenience I just know that if I have a child with OH he wouldnt have a massive role in it anyway because the job would come first and he would probably see our baby just as much as he gets to see me now!



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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 16:40 PM   10
Broodylady
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I dunno bringing a baby up with someone else just doesnt seem to be so essential to me! I was brought up with parents who were in love then ended up arguing all the time while we were growing up and were always fed up with each other and it created a really bad atmosphere but they stuck together and now dont have a choice but to stay together! So to me personally as long as you have one loving parent who can create and keep a good healthy atmosphere that is more important than two people who used to be in love then it fizzle out after years together! But thats just my view and I understand why other people think having two loving people are the most important thing to bring up a child! To me a loving relationship isnt important and I dont think will happen for me its just let downs and disappointments but if it does then bonus!



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