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Old Mar 22nd, 2011, 19:46 PM   1
Trying to conceive (TTC)
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Need some help please

Hi guys I need some advice and hope this is the right place to post for it.

I'm 24 and have been with my partner for nearly 2 years now and basically I want children with him now. We've both got secure jobs,a home of our own and I love him dearly. I'm not sure why but he wants to delay having children. He used to say 2012 after debts have gone(not crippling ones just odd bills and such) but now that seems to have been forgotten by him. He just says in the future when we're secure enough.
He's also asked for a "condition" I be divorced from my ex. That's a fair enough one but it's not something I can control myself. I live in a different country to my ex so laws are alot different meaning if I want the divorce now he will need to sort it. He's not the most reliable person for things like that though.
Anyways, It's like I'm becoming obsessed with getting pregnant. I'm constantly reminded of it through friends and family and it seems to be taking over my life. I've tried explaining how important it is to him but he just doesn't seem to understand my state of mind over it. I'm angry at him for preventing it from happening now, I'm jealous of my friends and I'm beginning to hate myself for the pressure I put on him and the feelings I keep getting.
I don't know what to do. A horrible part says to just stop my bc and not tell him but this is a terrible idea and I wouldn't want to do it to him. But how do I get him to understand and agree or either just shut down my ticking clock for a few years? I really don't know what to do

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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 17:30 PM   2
Waiting To Try (WTT)
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: London
Posts: 561
hiya hun, it really can be hard to get you OH to understand how you feel...sometimes i think my OH is actually incapable of understanding. try and sit down and get at least a rough date...or a wtt list, so that once everything is ticked off then you can start ttc

its not easy...if not shut out the feeling of wanting a baby, the best thing you could do is to find something that helps you cope, something to take your mind off it even just for a little while. it might be silly little things like saving up a baby fund for everything you will need or redecorating xx

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Old Mar 23rd, 2011, 17:36 PM   3
Pregnant (Expecting)
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 691
One of my sillier hobbies is reading advice columnists, and the "how do I get him to understand" question seems to come up a lot. I've seen them say two things I think are helpful. One, you need to find an analogy to explain your bio clock to him. I think needing to eat when you are hungry or needing to drink when you're thirsty are good ways to try and get across the physical ache we women can feel for a baby. Explain that your body is built that way, and when everything else lines up (stable and loving relationship between two people who love each other, etc) it's hard for the brain to tell the body no.

The other big thing to work on is honest communication. You want him to honestly tell you whether or not he wants kids. It's possible that the shifting targets of 2012 to when bills are paid off to when you are divorced from your ex are because he doesn't really want them at the moment. He owes you the truth if that's true (which it might not be!), and you owe him an environment where he can be truthful. He also may just really feel like there's a certain list of things he wants done, and if so you guys should talk about it.

I'd suggest opening with a really honest, hash-everything-out-without-immediate-emotional-consequences talk. If you find out your OH just wants x, y, and z before you have kids then you can talk about those priorities and figure out if they really need to happen now or not. You can also explain at that point about your bio clock and how it works and how strong it is.

Hugs and hope you can have a great, productive conversation that moves you both in the right direction!

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