Does anyone (especially girls in their early twenties) ever feel torn between their desires to be mothers and the feminist ideals that they live by?

I am all for strong and powerful women in the workforce. If you don't want to have children, fine. If you want to have kids AND work, more power too you. I am very vocal about women's rights, and I think that all these options are totally cool. But at the same time... I just want to be a stay at home mom, and I feel like this is the one option that modern feminism sees as not being okay.

I feel almost guilty and ashamed by my lack of desire to be a woman with a powerful public career. I'm a university student, and when people ask me what I want to do after graduation I never know what to say, because I honestly don't care as long as one day I can have a happy marriage, be a mom, and be financially secure. Something about the way women are seen today makes me feel like people see this as inadequate.

Anyone else feel this way?

I feel exactly the same but the other thing is about being a strong independent women who can make there own choices no matter what they are. I got pregnant unexpected and put off school to have my daughter and raise her. I am back and school and will then have my big powerful career if I WANT to. I really just do what is best for me and our family which is the best part of being a women. You can choose to do what you want now and should never have to feel bad about it whatever you do. I think there is nothing more strong then a mother with her children and being a wonder mom. If work is involved in there great if not SAHM are some of the hardest working people I know and there no less of a women then anyone else.

No

Oops, keyboard spasm.

I'm 28 and did the whole "get a great career so I don't depend on a man" thing. It has meant delaying ttc, and while I'm happy with my path, the truth is that nothing matters more than spending time with loved ones. I know I will struggle with going back to work but my amazing DH will be a part time SAHD

It's your life....live it the way you want to!

Not an issue for me, but I wouldn't consider myself a feminist. I've always disagreed with the idea that it is a "waste" for anyone to spend their time bringing up children. In my mind, there is nothing more worthwhile than bringing up well-adjusted children.

As things stand, despite the fact I'd love to be a SAHM, I earn more than my husband, so he will either go part-time or be a SAHD, and I'll be back at work fulltime when my maternity leave is up. I'm also in a job I really enjoy (nothing big or powerful, just something I'm good at and love doing. No chance of promotion as there is only one role/post in my "department" so unless school gets more funding and I get an assistant, it'll always be just me).

I think it's hard nowadays to just pinpoint the term feminism with being a high powered woman in the work place.... That's very old fashioned seeing as there are now many high powered women (just look at the 2 on Dragons Den) who also have children.... There's no reason why you can't have it all!

I'm a teacher, I have taken a break for a few years to be a SAHM until my son goes to school, then I'll go back to teaching (Unless my OH finally decides that he wants another, then I'll postpone going back to teaching for another few years) x

Oh yes I completely understand how you feel. The modern days pressures to have it all are just way too much.

I work in Human Resources, so you would think my department would be supportive of Maternity leave & flexible working requests. When in fact it is the opposite, for the last 18 months I have constantly been warned not to want to start a family and take the time off work & realistically I know that when i do take that leap my career will be paused as there is no way I can progress & work part time.

I love my job, I find it very rewarding but I also love my little family and want to become a mum. I know that when the time comes I will want to return to work and I know it will be difficult. I know I will feel guilty leaving my LO in childcare and also feel guilty for working part time.

My Mum was a teenager when she had me and had to give up her job/career and since I was very little she has constantly reminded me not to make the same mistakes as her, work hard at school, get a good job. Which I feel I have now done & am ready to have that family. But even recently she told me i shouldn't take the plunge just yet!

There is so much more I could do with my career but I feel now is the right time to start a family & luckily I have employment law on my side to allow me to do that and continue with my job.

Oh Blimey, that was a long reply - got a lot off my chest there haven't I!

YES! I feel exactly the same way. All I've ever wanted to do is to be a wife and mother. My mum was a SAHM and she was amazing and worked her arse off so I've never seen it as a 'lesser' role than a paid job.

I cannot agree more though about it being the one option feminists aren't 'allowed' to choose - I definitely feel like there's this attitude that if you're happy being a SAHM you've somehow failed at feminism. I wonder if it's a misguided attempt to 'help' - for so long women didn't have a choice but to stay at home and look after their husbands and children I wonder if a lot of feminists today who don't want that think that women who do are somehow being oppressed. I can see where they're coming from, like I say I (generally) think it's misguided rather than malicious - but surely the whole point of feminism is being able to do whatever you want, including staying home and looking after children? (That said, I do have a friend who has this attitude and it's definitely malicious. She thinks it's 'pathetic' that I don't want a career and would rather 'just' have kids. I think this attitude is perpetuated by a lot (not all!) of 'career women' who have children as an after thought when they've done everything they *really* wanted to do. They can't get their head round the idea that having children is genuinely the most important thing I want to do with my life!)

On a sort of related note I also think it's related to the idea that still pervades our culture that looking after children is a cop out and not a job. For some reason if I get someone else to look after my kids it's a job but if I look after my own it's not?! Crazy! It also massively underestimates not only how hard child rearing is but how important it is.

Wow, I've written an essay lol! Being a feminist is very important to me but like you I do feel torn - I'm so glad to see it being discussed here!

The whole idea of feminism is that women can CHOOSE what they want to do, not be relegated to a life in the kitchen serving their husbands. So if you want to be a SAHM, it's not against feminist ideals. Anyone who tells you otherwise is uneducated and who cares what they think anyway!

Feminism has done some great things for women but I for one am really struggling to 'have it all'. I know it should be about choosing what you want from life but I really don't think this belief that women can do it all is necessarily helpful. I have a young toddler, work full-time in an intellectually challenging job, have 3 university degrees, husband and own home but by God am I tired! I still feel inadequate too because I don't have a great circle of friends, wonderful social life and exciting hobbies/holidays. I'm also fighting against this belief inside me that even working part-time would be a 'waste' of my abilities.