Hi, I'm new to the forum, so I apologize in advance for not knowing all of the abbreviations everyone uses So for a bit of an introduction...
I'm 27, have been WTT since I was 20 and have been very unlucky in love (and a very late bloomer), but finally found my first long term partner just over three years ago. I have been wanting to TTC since our first year together. We had a scare (even though I was on the implant) and I was secretly devastated when the test was negative. Now, I am more ready than ever - and even starting to feel a little obsessive, lol.
My partner is 30, is high up in the career ladder, says he has these big plans to retire young and doesn't want kids still living in the house when he is 50. Soon after we bought our house, he said he wants to have kids with me, but when I talk about trying, he changes the subject. I've been trying my hardest to show I am ready by fixing my finances, getting promoted at work, being depression free for 12 months now, improving my health and fitness, helping around the house more, etc. I ask him why he isn't ready, and it's always the same - finances. Yet he's got enough to purchase a second investment property on his own...
I needed to show him how serious I am about being ready, so I've booked in a pre-pregnancy checkup with my doctor for next week and talk about possible removal of my implant soon. That had him a bit speechless. I explained that if I have any reproductive issues, I want to know now when I can fix things than in the future when I'm too old to.
I'm trying my hardest to show that I am serious (without mentioning it every other day) and I'm starting to think the only way he'll be ready is when it actually happens. A couple of friends joked about removing my implant with out telling him, but I could never do that, lol.
What should my next step be in showing him that I am ready and I believe he is too, without turning him off the idea completely?
(Sorry about the length, this has been dwelling for a long time)
Perhaps you could ask him to sit down and make a list of things you both want to do/buy/accomplish before ttc. That should give you a ttc date and him something tangible to work toward, rather than just "finances." It worked for my OH (other half) and me! I think a lot of the women on here have done the same.
Pressure free time also seems to be the common denominator for women whose OHs are onboard for ttc. It worked for my OH, since I was in school and we agreed to wait until I graduate, he wasn't under any pressure for us to get started and he (almost 2 years after me...) came around to ttc and starting getting excited about it all by himself. It warms my heart when he brings up baby names or maternity pics without me pushing the subject! I can't wait until November!
Good luck and I hope your stay here is short and sweet!
Thanks for the advice. I will ask him when he returns home in a few days and see if we can sit down and have a chat. He talks about his finances, but mostly my credit card debt. I've been working hard to get it down and it'll get to a point when something unexpected will come up (last being my bald car tyres) and I have to spend again. I've been at it for a couple of months now and it's the first time I've had $1000.00 in savings in about 3 years I keep telling myself it's all in preparation for a child and it's helping (I left a job for another that has more hours and receive 60% the pay rate just for my mental health and wellbeing - financially a bad move, health wise it was an extremely good move).
I don't know if it's a concern or an excuse for him. But I've laid out a plan and it will be paid off by the end of the year with a good chuck of savings stacked up, lol. I also expressed to him that I feel if he buys this second investment property, it's going to push having a baby back even further. He assured me it wouldn't.
I have attempted pressure free time, the last amount of time I gave him, I said I would not bring up the topic for 6 months and I spread it out to 8 months - I brought it up again to him last weekend. I have been spending my time showing him that I am up to doing this through non-verbal means.
I originally said that I will wait until the end of this year to decide by seeing if I was on track for my sporting goals, but the feeling of wanting a child is far out-weighing the feeling of sporting success - so much so that I am unintentionally starting to self sabotage my training. I mentioned that to him and also explained that I can still do it after a child, so instead of 3 more years, it might take me 6 (I've been at it for 15 years already). We're both fairly athletic and dedicated to our sports, so with some preparation and mutual assistance, we can still do what we love to do with the addition of a little one to adore
The hardest part about having those conversations, for me, was not becoming overly emotional. LOL, it sounds silly but if he sounded positive, I wanted to cry, if he sounded like he was pushing our date back, I wanted to cry.
I think having a plan, like how much does he want your cc debt paid down to, or how much in savings, etc. makes it easier to wait... it's like a checklist, so you see how close you're getting to your goal!
I know how it is with the want of a child out-weighing other goals... for me, I've wanted to get prego during my grad program, but logically I know it's a bad idea... so I keep waiting
Good luck talking to him, stay calm but be honest! I had to bring up the topic over a few conversations before my OH and I started getting anywhere with setting up goals. He just had to wrap his mind around it, so it's possible your OH will be even more prepared in a couple of days because you brought it up just a few days ago! That's how it worked for my OH, at least!
Let me know how it goes! Sending positive vibes your way
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