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Old Jan 23rd, 2016, 12:28 PM   1
nycmommy
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Guilty feeling


I was a stay at home mom up until September, and now I have been back full time to teaching with my mom or nanny watching my 3 year old and 1 year old. I feel so guilty all the time that I have to leave them home and then go and take care of other people's kids. My husband says I don't have to work if I don't want to and that he would rather I stay home with the kids ( we are NTNP for #3) but then my in laws judge me for staying home and being "lazy" and the additional money is very helpful. But every time I leave my kids the guilt and pain is killing me and when ever I am home with them it feels like a tease. Any one feels like this? How do you get over the guilt?



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Old Jan 23rd, 2016, 16:26 PM   2
LDC
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Guilt is such a normal emotion for working mums, and dads I imagine too, when they're working. I worked full time up until September (my dd turned three in November) and I always felt guilty; I felt guilty leaving her, making her get out of bed early so I could get her to nursery or my mother in laws and then when I got home for being so tired that I knew I wasn't giving her all she needed.

I worked to provide though, and I truly believe that it promotes a work ethic to our children too, no matter how old they are. She understood mummy and daddy went to work to "get pennies" and that we need pennies to be able to live.

I also saw her thrive at school and her not becoming too dependent on me was always quite a big thing for me, in a strange way. I don't mean I don't want her to depend on me, I'm her mum so of course I do, but more thinking when she was going to get to school and have always been at home with me and not around other people or children.

A lot of my thoughts changed after I lost my son, and I went part time and took a huge pay cut. Now I love spending and extra two days a week with my daughter and I work 3 days a week. I feel like I have the balance right now and I know how fast they grow up. I do miss the money though and, in some ways, the challenge of my old job but I know that's not the be all and end all.

I honestly think no matter what we do as mothers that feeling will always be there; we go to work and feel guilty that we are away from our children, we work part time and feel like we should be working full time or we stay at home and feel like we should be helping to provide.

It's so difficult.

I think perhaps give it 6 months and reevaluate how you're feeling and your situation. That way you've given the work a good go and can truly see how you feel or perhaps look at part time hours or staying at home if you can afford to do so.

The decision is never an easy one, but you'll get there and do what you think is best for your family xx



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Old Jan 23rd, 2016, 16:34 PM   3
Sambatiki
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Wise words from LDC xxx

I only work PT and still feel very guilty too. To be honest I don't think it matters what we do we will always feel some kind of guilt. I was also going to suggest the same about working PT if that is possible. For me it works well, Pheebs gets the interaction and stimulation from nursery and other children while I'm at work and I also get a 'break' and the chance to be me for 3 days.

Hope things settle for you soon and you come to something that works best for you all xxx



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Old Jan 23rd, 2016, 17:03 PM   4
nycmommy
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Thanks. Working part time is not really possible because I teach, and many people think its 9-3 job but in reality with meeting students, lesson planning, and preparing labs (I'm chemistry teacher) I get home by 6 pm. By the time I feed my kids I;m pretty much putting them to bed. Also tuesday through thursday they stay with my parents 20 miles away because my parents watch them, so I don't even see my kids for two whole days. I feel like worlds worst mother that abandons her kids. I have depression and anxiety. I never imagined this guilt when I decided to return to work.



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Old Jan 23rd, 2016, 17:15 PM   5
Sambatiki
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Is there a job share option? My friend is also a teacher and does this xxx



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Old Jan 24th, 2016, 11:19 AM   6
LDC
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That is tough not seeing your children for a couple of days, But please don't be too hard on yourself because of it. You're working to provide and do what you think is best and if that doesn't work out then you've given it a good shot and have reevaluated. A lot of the time, no matter what it is, we don't know the full impact of anything until we're doing it and can see for ourselves.

A job share sounds great if that is any option, it may be something to explore. Or perhaps flexible working?

Xx



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Old Jan 24th, 2016, 12:08 PM   7
nycmommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sambatiki View Post
Is there a job share option? My friend is also a teacher and does this xxx
What is a job share? Is it in the states?



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Old Jan 24th, 2016, 12:12 PM   8
nycmommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LDC View Post
That is tough not seeing your children for a couple of days, But please don't be too hard on yourself because of it. You're working to provide and do what you think is best and if that doesn't work out then you've given it a good shot and have reevaluated. A lot of the time, no matter what it is, we don't know the full impact of anything until we're doing it and can see for ourselves.

A job share sounds great if that is any option, it may be something to explore. Or perhaps flexible working?

Xx
You are so right. I thought I could handle it but I just can't. Its not the physical work that I can't handle, I can do that. Work, cook, clean...its the emotional. I always wanted to take my kids to different activities, teach them, be there for them and now I feel like my biggest dream is a shadow of what it actually is. My mom thinks I'm exaggerating but I am really not trying to be melodramatic or lazy or anything I just really hate that I am no longer a mom to my kids as I was few months ago.

We are trying for a third kid, we always wanted a big family and my husband thinks the time is now...I don't even know how that is going to work its way into my guilt if I continue working 8am-6pm....



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Old Jan 25th, 2016, 09:18 AM   9
Dinah93
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If you don't need to work, and you don't want to work while they're small, don't. You have the rest of your life to show them a woman can work, can achieve by a measured societal benchmark, but the years when they're small and at home are such a finite amount of time. Not forgetting the lessons they're learning about the value of family, I believe children get a lot of security in the early years knowing there is always one parent there for them. I completely understand it's not possible for many families, and I would never advise someone to stop working if they couldn't afford it, but from the sound of it you're more worried about perceptions of you working than the practicalities. I've worked full time with children, I've taken a year off on maternity leave, I've worked part time, I've worked self employed, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that being a full time stay at home mum wasn't the lazy option, going to work and coming home to a clean house, two kids fed and sometimes already washed was an easy 8 hours compared to 8 hours at home, but it was nowhere near as fulfilling. My parents in law have a similar opinion on my not working (despite the fact that I in fact have 3 long term contracts, working 40-60 hours a week, but from home, so it's not a 'real' job... don't get me started! I earn more than hubby does going out to work and we only pay 2 days a week childcare for the little one and none for the bigger one as I do most of my work evenings or weekends when the kids are asleep or hubby or their nana can take them out). If I had the choice between not working and working a regular 9-5 job I would 100% take not working while my children are pre-school age, once they are in school I would definitely take the job if self employment was no longer working for me, but if you can afford not to work why is it anyone else's business if you chose to raise your children yourself, surely that's actually most people's prefered position to be in rather than something to feel in any way ashamed of.



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Old Mar 10th, 2016, 06:39 AM   10
MerryAnn
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I think that you don't go back to work if you feel guilty. Wait until you feel ready.So you can not do the job well if you only think about guilt.



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