12w2d and already afraid of my baby girl

[Rhiannon137]

I am SO thankful for this forum, as there is nowhere in real life I could even share these thoughts - let alone expect support.

I just found out through early testing for genetic problems (which was thankfully all fine) that my baby is, in fact, a girl. I had a gut feeling even though I was SO hoping for another boy. When I found out my son,.who will soon turn two, was a boy I felt so relieved. The idea of having a girl scares me for many reasons.

First and foremost is the horrible relationship I have had with my own mother for my entire life. Most of that stems from her alcohol addiction and abusive tendencies, but I am terrified about a daughter maybe bringing to the surface any of the hostility that I've worked so hard to keep out of my life. There's also the worry about trying to nurture and supervise a relationship between my mother and a granddaughter. Fortunately, she hasn't had the same tendencies to tear down my son, but I would worry more about her with a girl.

I'm also scared about my own ability to bond with a daughter. I have always struggled to form female friendships. Falling in love with my son came so easily, and I am worried it won't happen the same way with a girl.

There's the constant worry about what any big change will do to my son's little world. He is a big personality who feels like the whole world is his own stage. I know that, in the long run, he will benefit from having a sibling. I guess I was just thinking a baby brother might be more relatable to him.

Never mind all of the social and cultural minefields that seem so much more complicated when it comes to girls.

Sigh. I was so amazingly lucky to conceive this pregnancy just two weeks after a miscarriage that I am wracked with extra guilt for feeling anything but overjoyed. I know that I will love this baby, I'm just struggling to wrap my head around all of the thoughts and feelings detailed above. I really am feeling more fear than disappointment, but don't quite know what to do with it.

My husband knows that I was hoping for another boy, but doesn't know the deep, convoluted backstory. We had both just agreed that it would probably be simpler if it was a boy. They could share a room, we have lots of boy stuff, etc.

Thank you for reading, and good luck to everyone who is struggling to process their own gender news. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings.

 

[minties]

I don't have the best relationship with my mum, but nothing as bad as yours.

I only have a minute to type on here, but I had a boy then a girl. My kids happily share a room, my son adjusted just fine to having a sibling and I can't imagine him being an only child now. They play with each other ALL THE TIME.

Best of luck xoxox

 

[Misscalais]

Big hugs.
Its ok to feel that way. You will probably surprise yourself with how much you love her when shes born and it will seem less scary.
They can still share a room for a bit. I have 3 boys and currently pregnant with a girl. This bub was not planned so they will have to share eventually, only until they get bigger will she need to have her own room.
Hopefully by the end of your pregnancy you'll feel a lot better x

 

[Scarlett2]

My relationship with my mother was a nightmare, although she was much better with my sisters... I do understand your worries. Maybe if you focus on how much of different person you are... For example how you believe kids should be treated and nurtured, then you can believe that your relationship will be different. My mother is COMPLETELY different with her grandchildren and I think you'll probably find that's the case too.

It's totally normal to worry about stuff like this, you are definitely not alone.

 

[Rhiannon137]

Thank you for the kind and supportive words. The idea is starting to settle in a bit. We will be done at two (barring any crazy surprises), and having a girl this time means that my son will forever have his place as the single most special little guy in my world. For some reason, I felt very happy when that occurred to me. I think it might also be easier to develop a new, distinct bond with a girl, rather than trying to just recapture everything that worked with my son.

I'm still nervous, but starting to embrace this as good news.

Also, I spent a bit of time looking at tiny pants with ruffles on the bum. Probably should have just done that straight away.

 

[lian_83]

Hi, I had the same dilemma before. I hated my mum so much because she was both physically and emotionally abusive. So, I was really depressed to find out that I am having a girl for #2. Besides, I am also a tomboy kind of girl and the thought girlish stuffs does not sound enticing at all.

When I gave birth to my daughter, I wasn't really thrilled and I still wanted another son. But a few days after, I started to realise how amazing she is. First of, she's extremely quiet and easy to take care of. She does not mind being left out as I take of the needs of my son, and any chance she gets some attention, she will show that warm smile that will melt the coldest heart. She's really a blessing and I have never felt this way to my son, whom I also love to bits, but my daughter is just the sweetest.

 

[Rozie_1985]

hi i wanted to take the time to reply to your message. I am so sorry you feel the way you do, but please please know you are not alone. I too fear that i am carrying a girl, i don't know for sure like yourself but i am pretty sure, given that everyone who has seen the baby scan and the "nub" has said girl.

Like you i wanted another boy, for my son and for me. My relationship with my Mum is good so i can't comment on that being a reason, i guess i am just not a girlie girl. I don't have a clue when it comes to girls things. Hair and nails and clothes, nope. I am a tomboy, i love football, sports and buying my son boys clothes and toys. I will however dress up for a night out with my husband. Makeup scares me, although i try, i have my hair cut every month but thats as fair as i go to being a girl.

I am so scared of the stereotypical girl image. I sent my mum a photo of some unisex Dr martens and she told me no way for a girl, " you have a son and dressed him like a boy, so make sure you dress this one like a girl" wow....

I can't offer you any advice, so really my post was more a - you are not alone in having these feelings, don't be ashamed in any way. I keep reading posts about how once here you don't care what they are. I have to trust in that, if in fact my little bean turns out to be my daughter.

Look after yourself x

 

[Rhiannon137]

I just wanted to come back and update this thread to say that I am now feeling pretty excited about welcoming a little girl. A HUGE part of it was realizing that my son will now always be my single, most special guy, but a bunch of little things are also making it feel really right.

I realized that my grandmother, with whom I was very close, had a boy and then a girl with a similar age gap, so that (coincidental) similarity made me very happy. For whatever reason, my son has been SUPER sweet with some of the little baby girls at his music class the last few weeks. Surely another coincidence, but I'm taking it as a sign. Not having to worry about feeding two teenage boys is a.bit comforting, since my not quite 2 year-old already makes a meaningful impact on our grocery bills. And, finally, I've bought a couple of sweet little outfits for her that make things seem very real.

Thank you again to everyone who was so reassuring. I know things do work out the way they are meant to be.

 

[Misscalais]

Im so glad you're feeling better about having a girl