13 month old gets hit/picked on by other kids

[freckleonear]

needhope I think there was a benefit with my cousin's daughter because the hitting wasn't happening all the time. There was a lot of good modeling and guidance from her daughter when the hitting wasn't happening.

With the playdates it was like... the entire interaction was the other kid taking toys from DD and hitting her, and eventually DD went off by herself. Then the other kid would seem happy. As soon as I'd bring her back around to the other kid, the hitting would start again, when DD was just sitting there playing with toys (even her own toys that we'd brought).

Is it something that would go away as DD became more familiar to the other kid?

I would try reducing the number of toys available during the playdate. Maybe just have one or two toys out at a time, so that the focus becomes more on the interaction than on the toys.

 

[WantsALittle1]

joeyjo great point, I too think there may be something good about them simply being in the same room.

needhope yes! there are Montessori groups and music groups, and also I invited one of the moms from the playdate to do strollers in the park together next week. I figured if the kids are moving, no conflicts can ensue

freckleonear neat suggestion, I will try that, but I think I will still intervene if there's any hitting. I can't protect DD forever, but I can protect her now! haha

 

[bubbles19]

My daughter is 18 months old and the same thing happens to her but she is very sociable and says hi and asks if they're alright bless her. We have a particular problem with a friends boy who hits her and takes whats she is playing with she has never hit another child but the last time we saw him she lost her rag and pushed him she was swiftly told off and she hasnt done it with any other kids. My tot prefers older children like 6 and above or babies she loves them. She'll being going to nursery when shes 2 so that will be intresting. I know its hard to see another child being mean to yours but I do believe in teaching them that the behaviour the other child is doing is wrong, I have said to my friends boy before "now thats not very nice, poppy was playing with that shall we find you another toy" and find a really good toy to keep them amused for 5 minutes. if the parents wont intervine I will I wouldnt tell them off its not my place but defusing a situation and distracting the other child seems to work fine. at 14 months they are a bit little to understand to say sorry but helping a child to learn to share cant harm can it?

 

[WantsALittle1]

I agree bubbles and with the last playdate I actually tried to talk to the little girl who was hitting AJ. She was getting very angry and screaming while doing the hitting and I said "what's wrong sweetie? AJ is just playing with her toy. Can you play with this one?" The little girl seemed very shocked that I was so concerned, and for just a moment stopped being so aggressive. I also make sure to 'debrief' AJ and say "I'm sorry, honey. She shouldn't have taken your toy away." She's little but hopefully the sympathy in my voice says enough and lets her know she's not alone, right?

 

[steph.]

WantsAlittle1 i havent read through the whole thread, but my lo used to be the exact same. Wherever she went, she would be the kid who was picked on, had her toys snatched and got hit. Most of the mums I came across were quite good and would say "give the toy back to the little girl" or "we DONT hit. say sorry"ect but there have also been a few that have ignored their child kicking Sophia in the face while she cried on the floor. And to be honest i dont care what they think, but I'm going to step in and tell their child off.

I think children have different personalities and not all go through the hitting/snatching phase. This is also partly due to parenting. Obviously I know that in some cases the parents can try their hardest but the child will still hit and snatch. Sophia now that she is older, will defend herself more. If another kid tries to steal a toy off her, she'll hold on to it really tightly and scream which is usually enough to scare them off. She has never (so far) gone through any hitting phase. Sometimes she will take another kids toy, but I always tell her "give it back to they baby, its his toy" and she does, and i get another toy for her.

I guess I dont have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I've been there. As your lo gets older (i'd say around 18 months) she will start defending herself more, but she wont necessarily go through any hitting/snatching phase like others have made sound inevitable.

 

[ShelbyLC]

I don't have a toddler yet, I'm just lurking, so hopefully my posting here won't upset or offend anybody.

I just wanted to say two things:

1. Not every kid goes through the hitting/snatching phase. I didn't. My mom always talks about how calm I was as a baby/small child. I had friends that would hit, bite, and take toys, and I would just let them. It actually caused a lot of problems at one point because the same little girl would bite me day after day, and it wasn't until months later that I finally got fed up and bit her back that she stopped. That was the one and only time I ever acted out. So while it's normal for most children to hit/snatch, not all do.

2. I think the way you're handling things, OP, is amazing. It might not be the usual way, but it works for you and your LO. I also try to explain things to my twins even though they probably don't understand half of what I'm saying. I'd rather overestimate them and waste my breath than underestimate them. But, if one steals a toy off the other, I'll return the toy to who originally had it and tell the swiper, "Your sister was playing with that, it's not nice to take things, why don't you play with something else instead?"

 

[Lemonflower]

My mum tells me even though I was a hyperactive, friendly, social child I was also never an aggressive or "snatchy" and she says that DS will be the same:

1. Not every kid goes through the hitting/snatching phase. I didn't. My mom always talks about how calm I was as a baby/small child. I had friends that would hit, bite, and take toys, and I would just let them. It actually caused a lot of problems at one point because the same little girl would bite me day after day, and it wasn't until months later that I finally got fed up and bit her back that she stopped. That was the one and only time I ever acted out. So while it's normal for most children to hit/snatch, not all do.

I got bitten and hit all the time by a girl at my nursery and my mum actually used to tell me to hit and bite her (and anyone else) back!!!! - she never corrected other peoples kids but would try and teach me to "stick up for myself". I never did, though I remember feeling hurt by the children and hurt that my mum got angry at me for not fighting back. (I think she was just frustrated that her kid was contanstly getting hurt!)
My friends 3 year old apparently according to her "a nasty child" - she says he actually likes hurting other kids and laughs about it (her stories about what he does makes me shudder and she's at her wits end - he's never hurt my DS he ignores him thank goodness!!) - she's done everything in the book to make him stop but if anything she says he's becoming worse. He's had a "normal/nice" upbringing and I can't see what she could have done "better". I think he is an extreme case and he may need support when he goes to school - I've advised she asks a doctor but she's scared she'll be labelled "a bad mum".

Dunno really what I'm trying to say... Just that I suppose I believe some kids make ups aren't always the result of parenting...
There are so many different methods and corrections though I think some children will be a certain way.
We all don't like our children getting hurt by others and want them to stick up for themselves. Some it comes with time, others will become the "aggressor" and some never will say/do anything back.

My mum says that there are lots of b*****d adults in the world and they've come from somewhere!!!!! Maybe.... I just usually laugh at her rants.

 

[Desi's_lost]

Larkspur: Great points, all. What's hard for me is that I was tossed into daycare at 6 weeks old and was completely immersed in a rather freely-governed social environment with other kids. For some reason the reality that I assimilated from that environment (though my home life was a bit broken, which could have contributed) I was a target for bullies from a very young age. By high school, I was suicidal from the bullying, isolation, and friendlessness. DH was also bullied, though he had friends. We tried DD in daycare to help with her socialization and it didn't go well. The provider actually told us she wouldn't be able to handle her more than 2 days a week because she required so much individual attention from the adults. She was never mean to other kids. If anything she was reserved and basically would scream at the top of her lungs until one of the grown ups picked her up and carried her around. She never behaved like that at home, and always preferred to be on the ground playing alone. It's like she was scared of the kids or something.

We absolutely do NOT want to raise an 'obedient' child who simply takes rules as rules. Our daughter is very secure and independent, and she is a free spirit. She is a problem-solver and a charmer. She loves people and that's what makes me sad about all this. Grown ups love her. Older kiddos love her. Children her age just do not for some reason and she knows it and I believe it hurts her. There has only been one baby, actually a NICU cohort of hers, with whom she got along and who was really a good match for her personality. We've moved away from that little girl and have been trying to fill the void ever since!

As far as empathy and understanding, I don't think those necessarily have to come from social play experiences with peers. We teach her those lessons every day and she gets them. We explain every single behavior correction to her as if she understands, because we believe that deep down she does.

Just for prespective, I was that kid, who only played with the adults at daycare. I never got along with peers and that did play into a life of bullying.

 

[WantsALittle1]

steph: thank you, that is what I have been watching/hoping for... that at some point she won't let go of the toy, or will scream, or will yank really hard until the other kid is no longer touching it, and then move away from the other kid. So far we don't see her 'standing up' for the toy yet, but she certainly has never once hit back or anything of the sort.

shelby: thank you for saying that, it is really nice to hear! I called my mom yesterday and re-re confirmed with her that I didn't hit. She said I never hit once that she saw or that my godmother (my former daycare provider) saw. She said the closest I ever came was throwing a tantrum once because I'd seen someone at daycare do it, but I never actually hit another child while on her watch.

lemonflower: I agree. I do think children, even this young, have personalities. It did bother me a bit to have people telling me to wait, and that my daughter will hit one day because that's what kids do. It's not "normal" for a person who doesn't hit to hit, and even though she's only 13 months old so far I see no evidence that my daughter is someone who sees hitting as an option. Even when our cat had a go at her, she just cried. She never struck out. When I was a kid I never struck out, DH never struck out, so not hitting...that is the 'norm' for us! I do feel bad for your friend who has tried everything and her kiddo is hitting. Part of me feels that when kids see other kids doing these behaviors and getting a reward, they start trying them and sometimes the only reward they get is attention from the parent and that can unfortunately be enough to cause a behavior to continue. Even if that attention is punishment. I do agree that kids have their own personalities and that no matter how good the parenting, there are some things that are very hard to change!

Desi's_lost: I'm so sorry you had to go through that. People are so quick to dismiss bullying as a normal behavior and that 'kids will just figure it out' and no, they typically won't. I couldn't figure it out. My husband couldn't figure it out. It's especially bad as a teenager but frankly I do see the seeds of it in really young children even though those children may be too young to have any ill intent behind it. It's not their fault that they have learned a method that works in getting them what they want, and if not guided properly throughout the challenges of maturing, that method (for instance hitting, snatching, pushing, kicking) could become more damaging to others.

 

[bananaz]

Cognitively there is a big difference between a 13-month-old and an 18-month-old, and just because your LO is a passive victim in these situations now doesn't mean that's always going to be the case.

When my LO was your daughter's age, older toddlers would always take her stuff and she would just go with the flow. People frequently commented on how easygoing and relaxed she was around other kids, as if it were some testament to my parenting. Recently, though, her attitude has changed and if other kids try to take something she wants or otherwise get into her personal space bubble she has no problem trying to push or swat them away. When we went to an indoor playplace last weekend she had at least half a dozen meltdowns because other children dared to use objects that she had decided were hers. This was shocking behavior for me to see because before in these situations she had been totally tuned out from the other kids.

My point here is that babies change quickly and I think it's easy to be an expert on parenting children who are in a developmental stage you haven't yet experienced. I know plenty of loving, consistent, gentle parents whose kids still go through hitting or snatching phases. To be honest some of your comments about how your daughter is going to be the magical exception to toddler behavior problems because of your parenting methods really rubbed me the wrong way.

 

[special_kala]

I think it's easy to be somewhat naive when it comes to toddlers when you don't have one.

River was never a hitty kind of child, but of course at she has on occasion hit and pushed. No child is perfect.

A 13 month old is still a baby so yes they will let someone hit them and snatch but as they get older they will snatch and push/hit.

Toddlers arnt as easy as being able to correct their behaviour a few times and that's it. They are incredible frustrated and have no impulse control for a good few years.

I correct Willows behaviour but do I expected her to never do it again, of course not!

Different parenting styles deal with it in different ways sure but the behaviour is the same.

It's not nice seeing your child upset but I'm sorry it's just life. If you wrap them up and protect them from everything they will never learn how to cope worth normal life.

I comfort my kids if they get hurt, I explain it wasn't nice, I correct them if they do it but that's all were can do.

 

[WantsALittle1]

bananaz, I never claimed that my daughter doesn't hit because of my parenting. I claimed she doesn't hit because she doesn't hit. If she ever hits, then I'll believe that she hits. She hasn't hit and I don't need to accept that she will hit just because that's what other people's kids do or because it's what most kids do. There are plenty of toddlers who do not hit.

And again to everyone telling me my daughter will hit some day you are absolutely entitled to your opinion but it is not fact. Sorry, it just isn't. I did not hit as a toddler (there is not a single instance my mom can recall) nor did my husband (same with his mom). I don't think our moms would lie to us. If my daughter hits, she hits. She hasn't, and I'm not going to assume that she will unless she does

 

[overcomer79]

May I ask her adjusted age? It seems like she might not be fitting into her age group? My dd almost 15 months is very possessive of her toys. Ds was that way too. There is a post of "toddler's rules of possession" that goes around on facebook. While it is funny, it is true! She won't learn that behavior from others she will develop it as a normal toddler behavior.

My dd is tiny for her age but I don't step in and stop kids from messing with her because she has learned quite well to take care of herself. I guess that comes from her having an older brother maybe.

 

[WantsALittle1]

Overcomer, yes, I did think of that too! She is somewhere between 11-12 mo adjusted although the gap closes as they approach 18 months so she may actually be really close to 13 mo, but she is pretty up to date on milestones with exception of walking. She talks, gives/receives toys, points, has good object permanence, and asks for things (bathtime is her favorite thing in the world, hah!)

I have tried her around babies but that doesn't seem to work for her either

What do you think?

 

[overcomer79]

I also wanted to add that this is a very frustrating time in this age groups lives. They want something or are frustrated but yet haven't learned how to get the point across in an acceptable manner. I would have more of an issue with a 3 year old hitting tbh.

 

[WantsALittle1]

It's frustrating for DD too. She does scream and cry when she doesn't get her way at home but she is so easily distracted from the anger that it hasn't been an issue so far! We are trying to help her express herself and we try to give her choices whenever possible to make her feel empowered if that makes sense? Even if it's something like "do you want naptime or playtime?" "which book do you want to read?" "which food pouch do you want?"

I don't know if it has any effect whatsoever but we'd like to believe it does haha

 

[bananaz]

bananaz, I never claimed that my daughter doesn't hit because of my parenting. I claimed she doesn't hit because she doesn't hit. If she ever hits, then I'll believe that she hits. She hasn't hit and I don't need to accept that she will hit just because that's what other people's kids do or because it's what most kids do. There are plenty of toddlers who do not hit.

And again to everyone telling me my daughter will hit some day you are absolutely entitled to your opinion but it is not fact. Sorry, it just isn't. I did not hit as a toddler (there is not a single instance my mom can recall) nor did my husband (same with his mom). I don't think our moms would lie to us. If my daughter hits, she hits. She hasn't, and I'm not going to assume that she will unless she does

I mean these kinds of comments:

"We have worked very hard to teach our daughter how to communicate with gestures and words, and she uses both."

"I was taught to use words before the age of 2 and we're trying to teach DD the same thing which is why it's so hard for us that most of her peers use physical means when she is trying to communicate in other ways. "

Plenty of people teach their kids to use gestures and words but they still end up going through problematic behavior phases. I don't know whether your daughter's going to hit or not. I'm sure there are plenty of kids who don't. As for taking toys away from other children, I have yet to meet a kid who hasn't gone through that phase by the time they exit toddlerhood, but sure, it's possible.

But the fact is that you don't know yet. At 13 months your kid is really more of a baby than a toddler so it's not surprising that she's still behaving like a baby in these situations. You keep saying "13-18 month olds" as if that's a single developmental cohort but from what I've seen there are some really important cognitive changes that happen during that time. Most 11-13 month olds I know don't hit or steal toys, they are passive just like your daughter. The "bad" behaviors develop in the subsequent months as they develop an idea of object ownership as well as social awareness of other babies. Saying at 13 months that your daughter isn't a hitter is like someone with a 4-month-old patting themselves on the back because their baby isn't standing up in the crib during naptime.

 

[annanouska]

You are very lucky to have such a well behaved and gentle child. There are lots of my Los friends who would love to play with her

Sadly, my lo is very frustrated and had taken to biting and strops. He's a lovely lad but struggles to interact with other children so I've been forced to stop seeing his friends so they don't experience what your lo does.

It gets me really down he is as he is,I'm consistent with correcting him and do my best as a parent.

Seems odd I try so hard to keep him away from hurting others and your Los friends parents do the opposite. Shame they r not my Los friends he'd have some then!

 

[fieryphoenix]

Most 11-13 month olds I know don't hit or steal toys, they are passive just like your daughter. The "bad" behaviors develop in the subsequent months as they develop an idea of object ownership as well as social awareness of other babies.

My eight month old takes toys from other babies a lot, he's always snatching stuff away from them. I guess I wasn't too worried about it, but maybe I should be correcting him? Will he even understand being so young?

 

[bananaz]

Most 11-13 month olds I know don't hit or steal toys, they are passive just like your daughter. The "bad" behaviors develop in the subsequent months as they develop AR th idea of object ownership as well baby's ocial awareness of other babies.

My wouldn't onth old takes toys from other babies a lot, he's always snatching stuff away from them. I guess I wasn't too worried about it, but maybe I should be correcting him? Will he even understand being so young?

By steal toys I mean actively go up to other kids and take items because they think it belongs to them or they don't want the other kid to have it. I think it's pretty normal for younger babies to grab at whatever they see even if it's in another baby's hands, but the motivation is different iykwim. I wouldn't correct it at that age either.