2 boys, and I may not be able to have more children.

katherinegrey

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I have two sons I adore. Each time I wanted a girl though. Each pregnancy and birth were so hard that both times I said 'never again' and meant it.

My youngest is now nine months old and myself and my DH feel if we're in a position to have another in a couple of years we'll go for a girl. We even loosely looked into high tech methods to ensure it.

Following my two bad births I now have pelvic organ prolapse. I don't know yet which organs, all I know is I definitely have a deficient sphincter and perinium but the surgeon said anything more was beyond his expertise to diagnose and has referred me to a specialist team I see Friday to discuss repairs.

Chances are this means I will never birth or carry another baby because the pressure of pregnancy will damage me.

I feel so sad to think I'll never, no way, ever get a daughter. Not just might not, I definitely won't.

My DH still says things like 'when we have a daughter I like this name' and it kills me. He doesn't say it cruelly, just absentmindedly in passing.

I'm already going to have to undergo a risky surgery and I couldn't risk myself that way for the sake of another child and forget the two I have.

But how do I move on? I see a girl in a beautiful dress and it hurts, I see mother daughter activities and it hurts, I see pink baby clothes and I feel that door is closed forever to me. What has honestly helped people here move on from something like this? Time? Therapy? Does it never stop hurting?
 
Oh gosh love, I can't even imagine your hurt!! I have that desire for a girl as well. Have you looked into adoption? I know it's definitely something that is hard to even consider and the process is even harder. Have you looked into a surrogate? I know it's not the same but something to look into?
 
Sorry you're going through that. I have 3 boys and hoped to have a girl too. I was so sad when we found out #3 wasn't the girl I'd dreamt about. I'm not disappointed in any of my boys, just wish i had a girl as well. Im now 9 weeks with a very unplanned pregnancy and praying with all i have that this baby is a girl. Hubby hoped each boy was a girl and seeing his face when they said boy last time broke my heart. He loves all our boys very much though.
Adoption is definitely something to look into if you can afford it, or long term foster to adopt.
I hope that your diagnosis isn't so bad and that you'll be able to try again. :hugs:
 
Thank you both, just hearing 'I understand' and not 'you have two children so be grateful' means so much to me. I am grateful, but I can't help feeling the way I do and wanting what I want.

I know it sounds selfish, and I'd never say never to adoption, but I want my daughter if that makes sense? To see if she gets my curls, to see if she gets DH's nose like the boys did, to have people say 'oh she looks just like you! You can tell who's daughter she is!'.

In time that may change and I'll be happy to raise a daughter that isn't biologically mine. Right now I'm having trouble letting go.
 

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