37, time is running out and I'm going mad!!!!

[SydneyB]

Don't want to go into too much detail but after trying to not have a baby for 20 years and then deciding the time was right I got pregnant after a year of not taking the pill (age 36). We decided when I came off the pill that if I got pregnant great but if it didn't happen then so be it. This seemed fine at the time. When I got pregnant it was perfect - I was scared - but about having a baby not that I might loose it!! Last September at my first scan I was told I had had a silent miscarriage. A WHAT????? What's that and why on earth did I not know my baby had died - I felt fine and was being sick and had sore boobs and a small tummy - Devastated !!!!! Since then things have been bad to say the least. My partner works away ALOT and I don't live near my family or friends so I've felt so lonely. Reading forums like this has helped but I thought by now I would be feeling better but some days it just seems worse than ever. Mostly because what has happened has set my biological clock ticking - I'm running out of time !!! From thinking if it happens it happens I now think oh my god what if I can't have a baby!!! My husbands works away from home abroad for months at a time - so realistically all timings considered I could possibly conceive about twice a year if timings were right - what chance have we of having a baby! I am seemingly OK to everyone - only my husband knows now I feel and even he doesn't know really how desperate I am becoming. And from recent experience putting pressure on him doesn't help when you are trying to conceive if you know what I mean!! Family and friends have hidden news of recent pregnancy's from me which hurts even more when I find out yet nobody asks me how I am coping?! Am I supposed to tell everyone "YES I know its 8 months ago since I was pregnant and my baby should have been due next month BUT I'M NOT OK I'M STILL HEARTBROKEN!!!

I know I need to see someone to talk to but I need some advice from someone who has possibly had some counseling - will it make me feel better? I know it won't help me have a baby and that's all I want but I know a baby won't come if I'm feeling like this either!!!! HELP

 

[FBbaby]

Oh hun, my heart went to you reading this. I know exactly what you mean about finding youself so desperate to be pregnant when just a few months ago, you were fine at the idea that it might not happen.

I think this is a very common feeling and one that you can't fight. You were pregnant, experienced all what that meant and the loss only makes you realise how much this is what you want.

I think most people do assume that it is natural to move on after a m/c when what is natural is to keep on grieving for a very long time. I haven't have counselling myself, but I think it can really help. I was riddled with anxiety after my m/c and that went on until I started to consider what my life would be like without a baby and realising that even though I will always wish for a baby together, that I could find happiness and peace of mind in other ways too. It is not huge comfort, but it does help a bit with those feelings of panic that takes over your mind and life.

I know what you mean about even your OH not knowing how desperate you are because of not wanting to put him under pressure. To be honest, I am not sure my OH and I know how we really feel just because our feelings fluctuate quite a bit. At times, he tells me that having a baby would be wonderful, but isn't the be all end all and that he is just grateful that we have each other, but at times, he has admited that he gets broody. I myself don't always show him how much it means to me because I don't want to put pressure on him, but in the end, his actions are showing me that he is totally dedicated to it. Last cycle, we bd the morning I knew I was about to ovulate even though he had a nasty cold and a hangover, and that without too much persuasion so I knew then that it must mean quite a lot to him too. Are there any way your OH could come back at short notice or you could join him where he is, maybe not every month, but once in a while? I think you might found yourself already less anxious about it if you knew you too were in it together 100%. He might feel exactly as you do, but doesn't show it so not to burden you in the same way you are trying to protect him.