4 months on and feeling VERY confused

[NikiJJones]

I've not been over on this forum for a while, but I wanted to know if any of you who MCed a while ago are going through similar to me.
I MCed my LO in May and have been frantically TTC again since with no success. I am desperate for another BFP, but in the last few weeks I've noticed that I am feeling really weird about babies and pregnancy.
Until I was 30 I was completely phobic about babies and terrified of anything to do with pregnancy and childbirth. This all changed suddenly about 3 and a half years ago, and I became desperate for a baby very quickly. I got over my fears of babies and pregnancy and was so jealous of everyone I knew who was PG or a Mum.
I was devastated by my MC, and am now awaiting a Laparoscopy as my Gyny thinks I have some internal problems. In the last few weeks I have noticed that babies I see out and about are making me feel funny. When I hear them cry I feel sick and panicky, which is how I used to be years ago. Last week I went to a friend's house. She is due next week, and a few of us got together to wish her well. Another friend who is due the week after I was, was also there, and three friends with their babies. I found myself looking at my PG friends, and instead of being jealous, feeling strangely relieved that I'm not huge and facing childbirth. I didn't want to cuddle my other friend's babies either, and I was soooooo relieved when I could finally escape to collect DH from work.
Two months ago, I cried at anything to do with babies and pregnancy. Now I just feel so weird about it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???? I am still so desperate for another BFP and I am on B&B chatting with my cycle buddies and updating my TTC journal all the time, plus all the symptom spotting and temping and POAS. But why am I feeling so scared of pregnancy and babies again? My doctor says it is a reaction to my MC, and has referred me for counselling, but I am REALLY worried that I might actually be going off the whole baby thing again, but at the same time I am devastated every month when AF arrives. I am seriously worried that I am losing the plot completely. Daren't tell DH any of this as it took me 3 years to persuade him to TTC, and scared he'll just refuse to continue. Tried to talk to my Mum about it, but she just got really upset as she is so desperate for me to have a child.
Any help would be hugely appreciated.

 

[NickyT75]

I think this is your bodies natural defence mechanism to protect you from being hurt again hun.

You probably want your BFP so badly that you are subconciously telling yourself you dont even want to get pregnant... so that the disappointment each month isn't as bad IYSWIM??

xx

 

[NikiJJones]

Thanks Nicky. I am sure it is something along those lines. The journey of emotions caused by all of this has been so complex. People presume because I'm not bursting into tears all the time anymore that I am all over my loss, but I think the wounds go much deeper than that.
to you Nicky, today especially.

 

[todteach]

But why am I feeling so scared of pregnancy and babies again? My doctor says it is a reaction to my MC

I would like to start by sending you a big. Honestly.........I agree with your doctor and Nicky. You don't want to be hurt again, and that's why you are acting this way. You're not going 'crazy', you still deep down want to have a baby. But, if you become pregnant again, (and you will become pregnant again!) you already know how common miscarriages are, and you fear having another one. Remember how much pain you went through when you lost your little one? You wouldn't wish that type of hurt on anyone, and you don't want to go through it again. And I don't blame you. It's only natural. But, PLEASE don't let this prevent you from getting pregnant again and having the family that you have dreamed about. I'm here if you need to talk. Sending you . Take care.

 

[Loo]

I agree with everyone. It's like being hurt in a relationship in the past...you still want to find love, but you somehow sabotage it because your defending yourself to avoid hurt.

Counselling sounds like a good idea to work through that.

hugs x

 

[superp123]

I had a mc in early June this year and I just caught myself thinking along the same lines. 'Is this really what I want to do???' Type of thing. But it made me feel weird though because like you said, it's something you know deep down you do want. I agree with your doc, talk it over with a professional. In the mean time though don't be too hard on yourself. I actually just read somewhere this week that it takes 3mths for the emotional effects of mc to come to a peak. So I think we're right on schedule and perfectly normal. If there is such a thing. LOL
Chin up girly we'll get there.
P

 

[NikiJJones]

Thanks for everyone's kind words, and sorry to hear about all your losses.

 

[shelleylu]

Hi Nicky,

I totally agree with all these very intuitive women. The body is an amazing thing, and the defences it can produce are mind blowing.

After your MC, like any trauma, you suffer from shock, then a little later it turns into something different when it finally sinks in.
It can take months or years to get over a MC, especially if you tried for a long time to get your BFP, and the emotions (as I have discovered in the last few weeks) vary so much, I have thought lots of times I dont even want to try again, let alone get a BFP!

The good thing is, with a little help you can get through the conflicting emotions and return to the normal you. Dont get me wrong - I am no doctor, but I have first hand experience of anxiety, and I know that listening to my GP, and having people to talk to helps loads.

Good luck with everything, big hugs x x x

 

[srm0421]

It is natural, you are protecting yourself from heartbreak contentiously. I had a D&C in July of 2005 and wound up meeting my Husband a little over a month later. I got pregnant 4 months later and found out very quickly I was pregnant. I tried not to think of happy things and just was going with the flow. When i reached 12 weeks and into my second trimester I started crying. I had never made it that far into a pregnancy before and not that I was out of the big danger zone I was scared. i really though I would just have another MC because thats what happens. Once you realize that you can be happy again I guarantee you will be glad you followed through with it. Good luck and just ask yourself what you truly want and how you imagine your future. write down your feelings that helps a lot too.

 

[miel]

Hi love
i think it's all ready very good you can tell us about it ...
thinking of you darling

 

[Logiebear]

I agree with Nickyt75 hun, it seems like your natural defence mechanism to getting hurt again. Especially if your gyny Dr says there may be some internal problems that could affect your fertility hun. It is perfectly understandable that you are feeling this way. It is your heart telling you that you want a baby but your mind is dealing with the hurt and possibility of future disappointment you may face. I wouldn't put too much into it hun as only you will know how you will really feel when you finally get a bfp and get passed those dreaded first 12 weeks hun. Every step you take is a milestone after a m/c xxx

 

[golcarlilly]

Hiya, sorry for your loss - m/c is a much much harder thing to go through than most people can ever imagine and our bodies and minds have so much to cope with and it is all just so confusing, I am having similar thoughts atm, it is 5 months since my m/c and my body is only just getting back to normal, I swing from being totally desperate to conceive to not really caring if I ever do and my OH said this morning that he sometimes wonders since the m/c if it is meant to be!

I think if you can't discuss it with someone close then counselling is a good idea, it helps to discuss your feelings and get them off your chest and sometimes it is easier to discuss your worries with someone who is not so closely involved.

I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds (cliche as it may be) take care and go easy on yourself

 

[tillymum]

I too think it's just a defensive response, that it's a way to protect yourself against being hurt again. I too over the last few months have questioned what I really do want. Just remember as soon as you become pregnant again the hormones will kick in and baby madness will start again. Don't stress about it, just let it all happen. Good luck with your tests and hope everything works out for you. xxx

 

[Lazy Leo]

I completely agree with all the other girls on here Nikky. We here how 'fertile' woman are after a m/c and we hope desperately that we will catch again quickly and when we don't we are dealing not only with the m/c but the fact that the whole ttc is starting all over again. It's like being back at stage 1 and sometimes I think we just don't believe we have the energy to go through it all again, perhaps to end up yet again back where started originally.

The fact that you haven't told your hubby because you are wary that he might devide to stop ttc altogether tell me that your stronger instinct is that you still want a baby. I always say to people to trust their instincts. Sometimes your head and your heart tell you different things, but there will always be one which is stronger even if it is only very slightly. Take some time out and examine your instincts. Trust yourself, you will get through this.

Anytime you want to talk just PM me. Take care and give yourself a hug xx