6 Year Old Attitude's is like a Teenager!

[AerisandAlex]

I need to find a way to correct my DD,

She's gone into this mode where everything she does is 'my' fault....
Unfortunately, my grandmother has been re-enforcing this behavior... she says she's not but she is -_- Maybe she's subconsciously thinking she's not doing it... I don't know...

Anyway, she stole Pop cans again this morning, I was awake at 7:30am (and NORMALLY, Aeris and Alex are still asleep lol but they were up -_- ) When I caught her with the pop and seen she'd already drank it, I told her she was in time out, she then said to me "You should have woken up earlier, if you had, I wouldn't have stole it!"

I am now the source of blame for every action, even when she acted up in school, she said "If you would have been watching me, I wouldn't have done it!" and she says that about her acting up IN school. I've tried to have a sit down about her behavior and attitude, but then my grandmother comes around and tells me all the things I 'should' do to correct it, IN FRONT OF HER. I say all the time, "She's listening to you and she's hearing what you're saying" and she says "No she's not" and then when I say something she says "She can hear you" It's like, omg Please stop!

I don't want to go into a screaming match with my grandmother but half the time, that's exactly what happens because she thinks she's the almighty parent and it drives me nuts, and now it's having a huge effect on Aeris and her behavior! I can't have her act this way and if my grandmother would pay attention to Alex and Aeris's behavior separately, I think she'd see what she's doing wrong, but she doesn't!

The reason I say separately is because she spends an immense amount of time with Aeris and has since she was little, like 2 years old. She has her over for the night every Saturday so she can take her to church Sunday and she picks her up to take her to a Missionette meeting at the church every Wednesday night. I am a firm Christian believer, however, I have a little bit of a side view of it... where I am a busy busy parent and although I believe, I don't feel right going into a church and pretending that I'm happy to be there, because I'm not and it just doesn't sit right in my heart. My daughter's God parents were in agreements with me that we would work something out but then they ran into their own issues and ended up splitting up... and although I tried to teach my daughter here at home, that wasn't good enough for my grandmother, so I agreed she could take her to church... but on the other hand, she NEVER spends much time with my son, so he is strictly learning his behaviors from me and DH which although he has his moments, he listens and does what he's told very well.

However, my grandmother, she seems to criticize Alex for half the things Aeris does!
She tells me that Alex is the aggressive one, ''because Aeris says so", that he doesn't share, (Yes he does, you just have to ask him too, I've told Aeris this so many times, but she thinks it's acceptable to just go over and rip things out of his hand and tell him he can't have them). Even my sister has tried to tell my grandmother about how Aeris's behavior is and my grandmother always comes back with "That's not how she acts at my house."

You know what, of course not! Because she's put herself as the dominant parent, over me and Mike! I feel like at some point I might have to show Aeris that her GG doesn't dictate what goes on in this house and throw her out in front of her if she starts her "Aeris does nothing wrong" speech.

I'm at my edge and frankly, I don't know what to do anymore, even my Dad, HER son, used to tell her to stop doing her criticism, before he passed away, about what 'I' should do, that if I 'Just did what she says, Aeris would change and be better' in front of Aeris but she never would even listen to her own son gah!

 

[ShelbyLC]

I think it might be time to cut down on the amount of time your grandmother spends with your daughter. Maybe make a reward chart so your daughter gets a sticker for every time she keeps a good attitude about something, and if she has X amount of stickers by Saturday, she can go to church on Sunday. And you need to have a sit down with your grandmother, away from your daughter, amd let her know that YOU are the mom. If she has anything to say about your parenting, it needs to be in private, and if she does say anything in front of your children, she will be escorted right out thr door. I know it's not easy to speak to someone like your grandmother like that, after being raised to obey her and respect her, but you have children now, and if you allow your grandmother to continue to step above you, it will cause long term problems.

Good luck

 

[RachA]

I agree with PP. You need to talk to your grandma about this. I think you and OH need to sit down with her together and spell out what you don't like etc and say that if it doesn't stop then your daughter won't be able to stay at hers etc.

One question for you us: how does your daughter feel about going to church on the Sunday? If she really enjoys this then as the PP said, use rewards to work towards going. I think it'd be a good idea to stop her sleeping at your grandmas for the time being. Once her behaviour is better she can go back to doing it.

I don't know how to go about implimenting this but obviously your daughter needs to start learning that her actions always have concequences, both good and bad. I know you know this - I'm just trying to work out how you can do this.

 

[seoj]

What a difficult situation- but I think overall, you just need to take control of your relationship with your kids and your grandmother will hopefully learn, in time, to just back off. I wouldn't even engage her when she tries to butt in- she obviously doesn't get the affect it has on your, let alone your child. This was something I had to learn to do with my in-laws- bit different situation- but challenging for sure!!!

As for your daughter- again, not the same, but my SD went through a horrid stage where she's argue about everything and push boundaries HARD- to the point where her Dad or I would actually find ourselves argueing with a child! LOL. Even though WE are the parents- so we simply stopped- if she argued or talked back, I would simply say "this is not a debate. This is what you need to do." and I would give her options- but options I was OK with... it still gave her a sense of control, so she would comply eassier- but I still got her to do what I needed her to do. Hope that made sense.

We also set very clear consequences- not "punishment" per say. She got stickers for doing helpful things around the house- and could save them up to get a sleep over (or something else she enjoyed)- we never took stickers away- but if she acted out or argued there were clear boundaries around that behavior. Worst case- if she pushed, we would ask her to stop or she would have to go to her room for a bit... and if she pushed again, off to her room she would go. Period.

Hopefully some of that maybe helped? I really think that age can be tough- they are old enough to "know better' but still not able to control their emotions well or truly get things like adults do- for sure 9-11 were the toughest years with my SD-- and we are lucky she was always a good kid- just "difficult" at times... LOL. But she's grown into an amazing your woman (16 now) and SO easy! It's ridiculous-- you'd think she'd be more difficult now! haha.

 

[Foogirl]

I'll preface this post with - I'm not getting at you or saying it's all your fault!

Perhaps her "if you were watching me" line is actually borne of a resentment that she feels she isn't getting enough time with you and her behaviour is designed to get your attention. I'm sure you feel she is getting enough time with you, but maybe her behaviour is showing that she's not happy with it?

For a child who is looking for a "reason" to behave, I'm not sure a reward chart or system is the best way to go. You might just be replacing one "reason" with another i.e "Well what will I get if I behave myself today" I'm generally quite relaxed about rewards and stuff but it seems counter intuitive with this.

I understand your feelings about church, but I'm confused as to why your grandmother thinks it is so important for your daughter to go to church but not for your son? I would be suggesting to her she takes them both or she takes neither. There is plenty of time for your daughter to make up her own mind about her religion, taking some time off church until things are back on an even keel is better for her in the long run as it seems the relationship between you and your grandmother is a little toxic. You can't change her behaviour but you can change yours. Maybe you can have her go to church once a month instead of every week. And I've no idea what a "missionette" meeting is, but maybe you could go along to that with her (if it is something your LO enjoys)

When Abby starts stuff like this I play her at her own game. Not sure if that's something you'd want to try but it works a treat for us.

 

[JASMAK]

I agree with foo girl. There appears to be some resentment, and blaming all around. Your daughter blames you, your mother blames you and your dauter, and you blame your mother. We all make our own choices...actions, words, and responsibilty is learned....through what we see, and trial and error.

I would also be catious of words, such as stealing. Stealing is a horrible accusation, and taking one from the cupboard of your own home is quite different than the term stealing, which is a criminal offence. You dont want to label your daughter.

I kind of feel for your daughter. Of course, this is just based on what is written, but could it be that she just feels that she cant do anything right?

Perhaps everyone should look into taking their own respinsibilities for their own choices, words and actions.

 

[Baby France]

I agree that I think your daughter seems to be confused. I wonder if she is jealous of her brother? I mean, he doesn't go to grandma's - he stays at home with you? She might be feeling a little bit left out of the family at home and therefore building this relationship with your grandmother, which isn't wrong, but seems unhealthy in the way its come about?

For now I would just carry on as normal, but try and put some time in to you going to church with her or having that special mother/daughter relationship? Have some one and one time with her, just because you can?

You might get down to the root of the problem that way?