A friend wants me to be her sperm donor

[Hamilton]

This is a really strange question but I really need advice. I've been really good friends with this woman since I was 18. We met a few years back and she's always had my back. I came from a very crappy home and whenever I was down she helped me back up. I came from a pretty rough family and if it hadn't of been for her saving me frok such an environment I would have ended up in jail or worse. And I was there for her throughout her divorce and throughout her tough times. There's never really been anything more than that given our age difference, though I've tried before.lol
Anyway, we caught up earlier this week and I told her about how I finally finished school and was going into work with my brother. After, She told me that her fertility doctor told her that she didn't have very many eggs left. She actually got teary eyed when she told me that her ex had put off having kids so long and that now she might not be able to. I told her that she could always adopt or find a sperm donar. At which point she asked me if I would be her donor. Saying that she doesn't want some random stranger to do it and if the procedure fails the first few times (If we took the invitro route) I could still be around. I said yes on instict given the moment and now I'm wondering if I made the right choice. I'm not regreting it but I'm just thinking about how big a choice this is. She's gorgeous and could really have any guy she wanted and wants me to be her donar. I honestly have never thought of having kids but I think she'd be a great mom. I really don't care about financially supporting the baby if need be or anything else since it would be my baby too. On top of everything I feel like I owe her for what she's done for me. I just need some advice, any advice? We've agreed to meet up after new years to discuss this in detail, so anything is helpful. Thank you in advance.

 

[callmedan]

well this is certainly an out of the ordinary question!
first of all, are you in anyway romantically attached to this woman? forgive me for asking but this story sounds a bit like a movie! if so and she doesnt/does feel the same way that is something you need to discuss befoer you even consider this!
this is such a huge decision and it needs a lot of thought before you make any definite decisions, if you have any doubts at all or feel you are doing this because you owe her i would say dont do it..
i dont know, a very tricky situation! you need to be completely honest with each other and make the decision together, something you are both 100% comfortable with
good luck!

 

[Hamilton]

well this is certainly an out of the ordinary question!
first of all, are you in anyway romantically attached to this woman? forgive me for asking but this story sounds a bit like a movie! if so and she doesnt/does feel the same way that is something you need to discuss befoer you even consider this!
this is such a huge decision and it needs a lot of thought before you make any definite decisions, if you have any doubts at all or feel you are doing this because you owe her i would say dont do it..
i dont know, a very tricky situation! you need to be completely honest with each other and make the decision together, something you are both 100% comfortable with
good luck!

Yeah if only it were. I haven't asked anyone else about this, so I came here. And I still have no idea what to do.

 

[lozzy21]

I think you would need things drawn up by a solicitor before you decide to go ahead. Is she expecting you to help financially, are you wanting shared custody? There is a lot to think about before you go ahead.

 

[Eline]

When I read your post, I must say it doesn't feel right to me. You are still very young and you have a troubled background. You feel you owe this woman your help, because she has helped you in the past. This is not true. Even if she helped you and you care for her very much, you are not obliged to help her.
Bringing a baby into this world, even if you would be merely the donor, is a big decision and a big responsibility too. The fact that you know this woman makes things more difficult as well. Do you want to be part of the baby's life? How would you arrange this in day-to-day life? What if she meets a new guy (which will happen as you say she's both beautiful and lovely) and her new bloke wants you out of her life? Can you support the baby financially if you need to? What if you meet a girl yourself: how will she feel about the fact you have a child with another woman? There are a lot of questions. This is not a decision you can make while having a cup of coffee. Considering your past, I don't think it's right that this woman has asked you the question and has accepted your answer immediately, without stressing that you have to take your time to think about it. Though I understand how much she longs for a baby, I don't thing shes doing the right thing by asking you.

 

[Reidfidleir]

She's being unfair to you. Sorry. This just sounds like a very weird and peculiar situation. Why would she ask you this favor if there were no feelings for you on her end? And f there were feelings my personal opinion is that she should own up to it before she asks a man to have a baby with her. Normally that kind of personal conversation is had with two people already in a relationship.
So so strange. She really put you on the spot. Has she even considered your family's medical history? If it was purely wanting a donor she should be talking about facts first. Not feelings like "I don't want a stranger...I want you!"

Who cares about an age difference? People can have a wonderful relationship regardless of age. But if this is not to be, then distance may be needed after you both talk contritely.

 

[michelle535]

Hi there

unfortunately you have a tough decision to make. There's no right or wrong answer, if it doesnt feel right or you would be doing it for the wrong reasons then don't do it. You have to be honest with your friend about how you feel, I'm sure she will understand if you decide not to be her donor. Creating a life is not something to be taken lightly and therefore if you have any doubts then you should take more time to think about it before committing.

 

[Hamilton]

Well thanks everyone. I only came to this forum to get a few opinions and am now more confused than ever. There's no clear choice. But thanks again for all of your input.

 

[Shhco23]

Hi. I think you should both consider the implications of doing this. You need to be very clear about what you expect. Is she wanting you do literally just be the donor and nothing else? If so how do you feel about that? Or is she expecting/ hoping that you might want to help her take care of the baby or provide financial support? It just seems a little strange that she would be so keen so quickly, after you said about donors. Therefore I wonder if she already hoped you would say it. It just naked me wonder why she hadn't explored these options before. You are young. You should really consider this carefully. Also if you are doing it because you feel like you owe her that is wrong. Who would pay for the treatment? I personally can't help but wonder if she is taking advantage of you.

 

[BigLegEmma]

well this is certainly an out of the ordinary question!
first of all, are you in anyway romantically attached to this woman? forgive me for asking but this story sounds a bit like a movie! if so and she doesnt/does feel the same way that is something you need to discuss befoer you even consider this!
this is such a huge decision and it needs a lot of thought before you make any definite decisions, if you have any doubts at all or feel you are doing this because you owe her i would say dont do it..
i dont know, a very tricky situation! you need to be completely honest with each other and make the decision together, something you are both 100% comfortable with
good luck!

+1

Also, think long and hard about your relationship with the child. I had an absent father and while we have a cordial relationship as adults, it is distant. He or she will have a lot of questions growing up about their identity, your feelings towards them, theirs towards you etc. If you want to be involved in your son or daughter's life when they're younger, you would have to get this agreement nailed to the wall, too, as some women cut off fathers once they get a new partner; not out of spite, but because they think it less confusing for the child, especially if they go on to have more children with someone else.

While this wasn't the case for me, it happened to a family member and although he financially suports his daughter and sees her regularly, she thinks he's an 'uncle'. Which is a huge can of worms waiting to explode, imo.

Good luck! And you're kind for thinking of helping your friend out. If you choose to say no it's no measure of your friendship, and if you say yes, try to make as many long-term decisions in advance as is possible. Remember, this is your decision and it is confusing, so don't feel pressured to rush into anything.

 

[xMissChellex]

if you decide you want a child then all you need to think of is trust . that's the main factor. if you trust her to allow you access to the baby and raise your child then you'll be giving her an amazing gift and return she'll be giving you one. only you can answer whether you are ready for a baby.