A horrible mess of emotions :(

[M.K.]

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years and married for 1.5 years. We are at this point in our lives where our circle of friends are all starting families or have already had children before we knew them. So, we are pretty much surrounded by babies and all the "cutesy" crap their kids do ALL the stinkin time.

Anyways, we finally started to have "the talk" about TTC about 4 mths ago. To our great surprise, I found out was pregnant last week. I had missed 2 days of my period, but had light brown spotting. So on the 3rd day, I decided to talk a pregnancy test at home. It came out positive, and was I overjoyed! The next night I wrapped up all 3 tests that I took and put them in a gift bag. I then got a card that had picture of a pregnant belly that said, "Extra, Extra, Read all about it! You're going to be a Dad, there's no doubt about it!' I gave these things to my husband and we celebrated the night by going out to a fancy restuarant. So, four days later, he wanted me to go to the Dr. to just confirm everything and get my vitamins. Sure enough, I was pregnant and felt such happiness and excitement.

Then everything turned horribly wrong. On a Sunday after church, we went to lunch. After lunch, we stopped at a store and I had to go to the bathroom. ... there was just blood every where. I instantly started to panic and cry big heaving sobs. I rushed out of the bathroom and told my husband what happened. So, we sped to the E.R. where we spent the next SEVEN hours! I knew I had already lost the baby, but I still had to go through all the rounds of testing. The worst was when the UltraSound tech said she didn't see anything and I just lost it. But the best part was not only was I so emotional, but the nurses and the residents (I didn't even get the courtesy of a real M.D.) were so rude and mean and telling me that I need to SUCK IT UP because I'm ONLY 22 and it's going to be fine. I told my husband to talk to the front desk to get new staff to treat me because I would murder someone. So, at 9pm, we were discharged, and all I had was huge hole in my arm from the IV, pain, a prescription for Tylenol 3, and a gigantic hospital bill.

Thankfully, I had the next day off because of Labor Day, and I took the following day off to follow up with my gyno.

Today is my first day back at work. The suck part is that I work as a nanny so I am constantly surrounded by kids.

I am just at a loss of what to do. One time I feel like I'm going to cry, and just start sobbing because I feel like, "Why? What did we do for this to happen to us?" The next moment I get SO ANGRY. I'm so mad at all our friends who have little babies and constantly post about them on stupid facebook. I'm angry at the moms who have babies but live in poverty because they abuse drugs or alcohol or neglect and abuse their kids. Everyone keeps saying God has a purpose for it, but really?! WTF kind of purpose could it be to take my baby away from us? And then there are times when I just feel so completely numb.

My husband has been amazing through all of this, and so strong for the both of us. But he has his breaking moments too throughout the day.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS AT ALL!

There is no one I can really talk to about this. The 3 people I have told just give the whole "everything happens for a reason" garbage. They don't understand. I don't know how to help my husband cope with this. I don't know how to work as a nanny anymore. I don't want to eat or go to school or do anything. I am so heartbroken that I have no idea how I will move on. I got to enjoy being pregnant for a total of 6 days, and feel that I will forever have sadness in my heart.

Please, help, any advice or support...anything. I need to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my heart.

Thank you

 

[BabyQ]

I am so sorry The heart wrenching, pain, upset and torture you put your mind through at this time is just horrendous. You will hate pregnant people, feel empty, angry and moody. It's just not fair .

If you're anything like I was, you'll be feeling so desperate for a child right now, even though you're missing your lost one.

One tip from me, distance yourself from pregnant people/friends.

I can honestly say that time helps, I'm only 3 months on from my mc and honestly, today I feel happy, I'm excited from wedding planning all day, my mind hasn't wandered onto my lost child ALL day and I am back on the pill and happy to wait to try again next year. I NEVER would have thought I could feel like this again so soon. I haven't had any evil pangs of jealousy for my pregnant friends all day either!

Huge hugs and i promise you will begin to feel better when you are ready

 

[ncmommy]

I'm so sorry for your loss!

Nothing anyone says will make the pain go away, just know that you are not alone. I promise with time you will be able to feel happy again although you will never forget. People who have not been through this always say the wrong things and often think that they are helping us.

I'm sorry you got such crappy support at the hospital, sometimes I feel like a lot of staff at hospitals are so jaded cause they see it all the time and they do not understand what a tremendous loss we have suffered.

All of what you are feeling is so normal at a time like this and I can say that we all have questioned why us! You need to take time for yourself and make sure that you keep the line of communication with your husband open as you all will need eachother to talk to. You don't need to figure everything else out now, just take it one day at a time.

 

[SugarFairy]

You say you don't know how to help your husband cope with this - you will help each other. Be there for each other and talk if you need to, hug and cry if you need to. It will get easier with time even though at the moment you are both consumed with your grief. Grieving takes time. Take as long as you need and be there to support each other. Big hugs to you both x

 

[Skylar]

MK Im sorry for your loss, I know how you feel I've had 2 MC this year, yes you never want to see a pregnant lady again but they seem to be everywhere and yes you cant stand to be around friends with young children, I remember thinking I'll just never leave my bedroom again. But like Baby Q said in time it does get easier. Your DH sounds lovley and togther you will get through this.

 

[babysimpson]

M.K. I've lost 4 babies. The painful memories will never go away BUT you will over time be able to cope and handle them better. The only thing that can help at the moment is time alone with your husband to grieve. People who say suck it up etc just don't understand how it feels both physically and mentally to go through a loss. Is there any way to could take some time off work? I think being around children just now is adding to the pain you are going through. I also got offered conselling to help but I didn't take it - would that be available for you and your husband? Your body and mind need time to heal no matter what stage of pregnancy you were at.

As for the facebook updates etc, why not avoid it for now? Since our miscarriage on Friday, my fiance and I have been cuddled up on the sofa most of the time and we've been talking through what happened. The important thing is that neither of you should blame yourself. Nobody knows why life has to be so cruel to us. Until your friends/family go through the pain you have, they will not understand and will say things that really hurt but don't mean to. You could maybe tell them (if you haven't already) what has happened and ask them not to mention anything about children etc as you're not ready.

Take care sweetie xx

 

[bluesky]

Sending so sorry for your loss.

 

[M.K.]

Thank you all for your kind responses. It's been a train wreck trying to make it through all of these emotions. And now I have even more stuff going on. The hospital contacted me to discuss financial issues and our bill. We don't have insurance, and I tried all the options to get aid. I have one last resort to turn in an application to the hospital itself to show Adult Hardship. The best part is the hospital said they'd charge us FIVE times over for the different companies they used for the different tests and exams they had to do. My husband's work doesn't offer insurance, and since I work as a nanny, I don't have insurance.

My question to you all is how did you deal with financial/psychological aspect of a MC? I feel like it's just adding insult to injury and that it's going to be a constant reminder of what happened until we get this stupid bill paid off.

 

[tj1980]

Ahh bless you. I think I take it for granted that we get health care from the NHS and dont have to worry about costs apart from the taxes that we pay.

In terms of the psychological aspect of a mc - i dont think I am coping. But I do think will time it'll become easier.