A question for mum's of 2 or more

[sequeena]

This is something that plays on my mind often. I'm especially interested in hearing from mums where their eldest child has special needs.

My son is 3 now and my OH and I would really love a sibling for him. We did go through a stage where we didn't want to try because of his issues but now we know we can do it again. TBH we're more NTNP than WTT as we don't use contraception but sex is a rare pleasure these days and seems to always happen in my infertile period so I guess we are sort of WTT

I can't imagine myself with 2 children. I can't imagine having to divide my time between them. I know every mum worries about how their child will react and the worry that they will feel pushed out but my son is special needs and has the mind of a 1 year old. I'm so worried that he will not be able to understand at all. I have a 9 month old nephew who we see very regularly and Thomas completely ignores him. My nephew is crawling now and loves my son but Thomas will snatch toys from him and run away. I try not to push the issue but I really worry how he'd be with a sibling.

He still sleeps in our bed because of a) horrific sleep issues and b) he becomes very violent if left by himself he cannot be in his own bed yet. We're currently attending a sleep clinic to work on his sleep.

Practically I don't know how I'd even get around with 2 children. We don't drive so rely on buses and my son uses a wheelchair. I could babywear and did it with my son but a lot of the buses here don't have seats in the wheelchair bays and I need to stay with him as for some reason wheelchairs are designed without breaks on the front wheels so the damn thing rolls when the bus goes round corners

I don't want to deprive Thomas of a sibling but I've no idea how it can be done. We have the space, we have the money and we have the love. I just don't know if it's enough.

 

[CMarie]

I'm not a mom of 2 (or more), but in the same situation as you Our 3.5 year old has Apraxia Speech Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, and is being assessed for Autism next week. Although we're WTT right now (so I can lose some weight!), we are both wondering about having another child as well and how we will manage. Our main concern is that DH works out of town for 2 weeks at a time, so it would be me alone with 2 kids...yikes lol! My fear is more that we will have another child with special needs. I know it sounds awful, but I feel like I can't go through all of this again with another child.

 

[sequeena]

Thanks for the reply My big fear is another child with SN but I also feel like we can't put life on hold because of it. Thomas thankfully doesn't have life limiting conditions. If that were the case I don't think we'd have another.

 

[GypsyDancer]

Hi, whilst my 4 year old doesnt have the same medical conditions as yours, he does have cystic fibrosis so i can relate in some ways in terms of needing extra care and deciding on having another child.

From 3 weeks old he had to take various medications and physio throughout the day, and now that he's older it has increased even more. As cystic fibrosis is a genetic disease any other children we have would also have a 1 in 4 chance of having cf so of course this had a big effect on whether we wanted another child or not, and to be honest, at first i was adament we wouldnt have another, not just that but as alot of cf infections are passed on between one another easily, having another child with cf would be a risk in itself to both of them. I also had the same feelings that i was worried i wouldnt be able to give him as much attention and would it affect him? Should i just keep him as an only child so i could focus all my attention on him.
Was it really worth the risk of having another child with cf, was it selfish of us to even think about putting another child through it..
However i kept thinking to how differently my life would have been had i not grown up with a little brother and that really swayed me, more than anything, and especially because of everything he's had to and will go through in life, i really just wanted him to have a sibling, who would always be there for him, who would be there daily through good and bad, and hopefully when theyre older support each other. And if they turned out to have cf, they would be able to comfort each other in ways my oh and i could not..

Luckily our second little boys results came back as him not having cf, however i will admit, its difficult, right now it is anyway. My 4 year olds treatments have been increased as he's grown a nasty bug which means he has to stay on daily nebulised antibiotics long term, possibly forever (although were hoping not) and my 2 year old is incredibly clingy and hard work. Fitting in all his nebs and meds and physio during the day is hard when theres a 2 year old clinging on your leg trying to get your attention, whilst trying to get on with all the other daily activities, and sometimes i do think, it would have been so much easier if we had just kept him an only child. It would have been, but he also wouldnt have had all the happy memories and experiences weve been through as a family.

Giving our 4 year old a little brother was the best thing weve done, i love watching them together, playing, messing about, the way they cuddle and comfort each other (when theyre in nice moods ) Dont get me wrong they fight, and argue, and my 2 year old is an absolute little devil right now. But i can see they love each other. Whenever my youngest and i pick up his brother from nursery, he's not bothered by me, they both give each other a big hug..that to me is worth it..

Now i have to deal with the thought process all over again too as my 4 year old keeps asking us for another baby brother or sister

 

[AP]

Is learning to drive an option hun? It would take a huge weight off your shoulders. I can understand why you would be hesitant but things do just for together in the end. When we had Tori, Alex couldn't even feed herself. Every night we still have to sleep next to her in order to get any sleep, and we can't take the girls to school and nursery at the same time thanks to her meltdowns but we split everything between us and somehow , it just works.

 

[sequeena]

Thanks for your replies I'm really glad to see that whilst it is hard it can be done. Gypsy I hope your LO is better soon Thankfully we do not have to medicate Thomas, only ibuprofen for when his joints hurt.

AP driving is not a viable option right now honestly the thought terrifies me, but we are saving for my OH to have lessons in the new year.

Thomas still co-sleeps with us - which of course is a problem if we have another. I'm not sure I could do both kids in the same room I think it would disturb them way too much and Thomas doesn't sleep as it is.

Also my OH works nights!! I feel like we'll never be able to have another

 

[AP]

Thanks for your replies I'm really glad to see that whilst it is hard it can be done. Gypsy I hope your LO is better soon Thankfully we do not have to medicate Thomas, only ibuprofen for when his joints hurt.

AP driving is not a viable option right now honestly the thought terrifies me, but we are saving for my OH to have lessons in the new year.

Thomas still co-sleeps with us - which of course is a problem if we have another. I'm not sure I could do both kids in the same room I think it would disturb them way too much and Thomas doesn't sleep as it is.

Also my OH works nights!! I feel like we'll never be able to have another

Sequeena you know i can drive, it just terrifies me too and i flat our refuse - but OH drives and we figure it out Good to hear your OH will have a go though! That WILL help - loads!

You often forget how much noise babies sleep through too.
When Tori was little I found it hard to get them to sleep, what we used to do was snuggle up together at night and then I'd sneak one of them to their beds while they were sleeping.

What I'm trying to say is, if you can afford it, and you have the love, then life will fit round. It has to, and it does, but you only know that when you're actually living it. When I was WTT and pregnant, I was freaking out! The reality was surprising.

 

[sequeena]

Thank you AP I guess I'm scared that what happened last time with my waters breaking etc will happen again and of course Thomas' issues... but I will be able to get over that.