Advice on 5 year olds best friend at school

[sezzolou]

I wonder if anyone can offer any advice or lead me in the right direction please...

I have quite a sensive 5 year old son who is also a little shy.

Before he started at reception last year we became friendly with a mother and child at a soft play who turned out to be starting in the same class as DS. We arranged a few play dates and they soon became firm friends.

This made the transition into reception so much smoother than we anticipated. Unfortunately it became clear towards the end of the school year that DS’s best friend, who is very intense and emotional, struggles to understand why DS would want to play or interact with other children. It came to light through DS and other children that the best friend had been intentionally hurting other kids and my DS when anyone else tried to play with DS. In the last 2 months of school the best friend had put a stone in his ear, bit him and kicked and pushed him a few times when DS had said he didnt want to play. DS is very loyal towards his friend and didnt appear too upset at these incidents. I however dont particularly like the direction this friendship is heading towards considering they will remain in the same class through the whole of primary school.

Things came to a head at DS’s birthday party when the best lfriend put his hands around another child's neck for trying to play with DS. Best friends mum is very approachable and we spoke about what was happening. She already had concerns about her sons intense behaviour as it seems to extend to most aspects of his life. Shes spoke to her son and things improved for around 2 weeks and they were both playing with different kids at school. The last 2 weeks of school though things seemed to slip back to the way it was previously. DS seemed unhappy and hasnt wanted to see a lot of the best friend over the holidays. Im so worried that as soon as they start back in year 1 next week things will continue the way they were and DS will just go along with it like he always has. It was breaking my heart when he said some of the other kids didnt want i play with him anymore (prehaps because of the reaction of his friend). We had a play date with another child from his class yesterday which he loved and i was surprised that his mum seemed to know about the situation and had said she’d heard kids and parents talking about it, including her own.

Im not sure what move to make next. Whether to talk to DS about it (he is still very protective of his friendship with his best friend despite all of this). Do i speak to the boys mum again or approach the teacher? Shall i continue to back off from meeting his bestie socially outside of school hours? I feel a bit at a loss as to whats the best thing to do for my DS and the other kid who says he just loves DS so much that it makes him sad when he wants to play with others.

So sorry this is such a long post! 😖

Hoping someone can offer some advice or has maybe been in a similar situation and found a way to move forward 😊

 

[Babybump87]

Similar thing happened to us DD1 started nursery and became best friends with this little girl we didn’t do play dates or anything it was just in school . When they moved to reception they got split up into different classes . DD1 was devastated and we couldn’t understand why they split such good friends up.

After a word with the teacher unbeknown to us this little girl became very protective over my DD and wouldn’t let her play with other friends etc and was making DD very timid and much like your son DD went along with what was going on . Teacher told us she had to split them up to enable DD to flourish and make new friends and be independent as the little girl was too controlling. DD was very protective over their friendship too.

Fast forward DD has made amazing friends in school and couldn’t be happier . She doesn’t mention the little girl now only if we ask if she has seen her .

If I were you I’d stop the play dates given how upset your son seems to be around the friend and have a word with his teacher she may be able to seperate them at times during activities . Least she will be aware of the situation if she hasn’t already noticed .

Hope things work out

 

[biglebowski]

I dont have any experience of your situation. It must be really stressful. Sounds like the boys had a lovely relationship to start with but the other wee one cant cope with his jealousy.
Would you call the little boy's mum a friend? If so could you chat about how to approach it together? Shes probably keen to open up her son's social circle to see if it makes him less emotional / possessive. I do think it would be a good idea to have a chat with the school to get their support in assisting both boys to enjoy healthy friendships. They are probably used to seeing these kinds of intense friendships and may have strategies to help. If you and the other mum go in for a chat together it will help her see you arent "blaming" her son, and want to work together to benefit both kids.
Maybe with school's help they can open the other lo's social circle so your son is one of his friends.
Socially maybe hang off until you see how they get on at school? Again you will know whether you would upset the other mum. She may miss you socially? Or if there another mum(s) you both know well could you make a playdate a more social gathering with 3 or 4 kids. And start the playdate talking to all of them about kindness, letting everyone play and that anyone not doing this will be taken home? Id be takjng my lo home very quickly if he was showing unkind behaviour or hurting another lo.
My lo can be a bit bossy with his cousin, telling him he's older. If I take them out I have 3 rules. Be kind to each other and other kids, look after each other and have fun!

 

[sezzolou]

Thank you for the replies. We had a play daydate with the friend on Monday for first time in a few weeks and it seems to have flared up DS anxieties. I wasnt sure whether to talk to him about the friend as i was worried it might make him anxious about going back to school but he brought the subject up himself yesterday. He told me he had pretended to be poorly the previous time we were due to meet up and that he doesnt think be loves his friend as much as his friend loves him. He also said he wants to play with other children at school.

I could class the friends mum as a friend of mine. We have met socially a couple of times without the boys. Admittedy we are probably only friends for the boys sake and we do not have a lot in common. I think we could talk about this but it will be upsetting for her and her son as he has no other children in his family and my DS is his only friend really.
Up until meeting DS he had very little interaction/friendships with ither children which may be one of reasons he feels so intensely about DS. So far despite talking to the boys about playing nicely group playdates havent been successful. Friend gets upset and lashes out then encourages my DS to lash out at the other kids too.


I think i need to acknowledge what DS is saying and let him take a step back from this friendship and hope that the friend allows him to at school.

 

[c1403]

Speak to the teacher definitely. My DD and her best friend have been friends through nursery and now school. However sometime last year my DD said 'X is bossy and doesn't let her play and if she does she gets upset which makes me sad as I don't want her to be upset'. As good as friends they are (I get on with her parents too) I didn't want to


DD having this on her shoulders. So I spoke to the teacher who kept an eye on it and did occasionally split them up. She also spoke to the whole class about being friends with everyone etc. They are still best friends but not so reliant on each other. I also spoke to the parents and they agreed they could do with separating here and there. For year 1 they are in separate classrooms but will still spend some of the day together when the classes join.
Hope your DS feels better soon.

 

[CaptainMummy]

Speak to the teacher definitely. My DD and her best friend have been friends through nursery and now school. However sometime last year my DD said 'X is bossy and doesn't let her play and if she does she gets upset which makes me sad as I don't want her to be upset'. As good as friends they are (I get on with her parents too) I didn't want to


DD having this on her shoulders. So I spoke to the teacher who kept an eye on it and did occasionally split them up. She also spoke to the whole class about being friends with everyone etc. They are still best friends but not so reliant on each other. I also spoke to the parents and they agreed they could do with separating here and there. For year 1 they are in separate classrooms but will still spend some of the day together when the classes join.
Hope your DS feels better soon.

Almost exactly the same experience that my eldest has. They were best friends all through nursery and are now in p4 (so have completed 3yrs at school) and the little girl was so so possessive of my daughter, who was super shy and never had the guts to stick up for herself much. They have always been in the same class. As they have gotten older, both are now 7 1/2, things have improved. Their circle of friends is larger, the little girl no longer tries to control my daughter, she isn't 'bratty' like she used to be, and is actually quite a pleasant little girl and great friend to my daughter.
They have had their ups and downs for sure, but the other day my girl said 'we will never break up. Even when we fall out we still come back together and are best friends' so I can't argue with that.

Definitely speak to the teacher, especially since your boy is getting physically hurt... and keep encouraging your little one to stick up for himself and I'm sure they'll sort things out. Could you maybe invite other friends over for playdates etc too, encourage him to play with others and he may start to play with them more at school too

 

[sezzolou]

Thanks everyone.
The teachers were in today so i rang to have a little chat with the head of infants who was DS’s teacher in reception. I havent yet met his new teacher so they thought it was a good idea to talk to his previous teacher who could then pass on the information and ideas to his year 1 teacher. She said she had noticed an increased reliance on his friend (he wouldnt ask to go to the toilet himself or tell a teacher if he was upset...his friend did it for him). And some other children had told the teacher when DS best friend bit or hurt him so they were also aware of that already. The teacher has agreed to encouraging them to be more independent and during class time they will be asked to work alongside other children.

I had a chat with the friends mum today and she is going to talk to her son about giving my DS space or time with others when he asks for it and encourage him not to ask things on my sons behalf. Im also going to take a step back from them socially for a while but havent really mentioned that to her.

This week we had 2 playdates with friends from his class which went well and he seems keen to give football sessions a go on a Saturday where a few kids from his class go. Im getting nervous for his first day back on Wednesday but hoping he hasnt picked up on that.

 

[hrow]

Hello! I would encourage your child to stick up for himself and say "that's not ok" if he hits or hurts him. I would share with my child that it is ok to tell the teacher if you are hurt. As a teacher for many years some children feel insecure and jealous when others talk to their friend. They fear that they might lose that friend. This may be what the other child is thinking . It is ok for your child to have other friends and play with them. If it continues to be an issue I would share it with the teacher again and explain to your child that he should never feel afraid to be with his friend. You will help him and others will too. This is a sad situation. I hope it gets easier for your son!

H

 

[sezzolou]

Sadly things arent much easier yet.
In some aspects there have been improvements...ds has had the courage to tell his friend when he needs some time alone or to play with others and he no longer relies on his friend to ask to go the toilet or tell a teacher on his behalf if hes upset/hurt/poorly. We also no longer see them outside of school which is what my lo wanted also.

Unfortuately though the past week ds has been telling this friend he doesnt want to play with him and told me he prefers to play by himself. Last week i found out that the friend had pushed ds when he said he didnt want to play and just before bed tonight ds told me that today the friend had hit him on the legs and told another boy to punch my ds in the face. The other boy did punch ds so he told the teacher as it really hurt. Apparantly the teacher had words with the boys and said she would be talking to his class teacher. Nothing was said about this incident at school pick up though.

The whole thing feels never ending and im so worried that ds is now isolating himself from everyone at break time. He saidnhe is happy to run around on his own or sit and watch everyone but i feel sad on his behalf. He said he’s not friends with this boy anymore after what happened today and i have said thats fine. Hes really trying to make friends with the other boys in his class but struggling slightly as he is the youngest in his class, not long turned 5 and the other boys are all coming up to 6 years old already.

The other boys mum did send me a message today saying she had a feeling something had gone on abd that her son wasnt telling her something. When i told her what ds had said she was horrified and suggested we get together with our boys to talk about what is happening but i think they are too maybe too young for that and dont want to upset ds anymore. Would anyone else think its a good idea?

Sorry..long post again! Never thought id have this kind of thing to deal with in year 1! 😖

 

[topsy]

Sorry i cant help with advise on what to do. But my son often plays on his own. I volunteer at school so walk through and sneak watch through lunch window and he's often playing on his own all last year.

This year he's onlu been back a few day and I've had can b and l come to Dino park with us. I said i dont know about Dino park but have text l mum and they are coming to play next week.

Also just thinking our school does afyer school clubs mix up year 1, 2 and 3 then the bigger ones. Are then any groups your son could do which this other child isn't in so there's no pressure there from the other child on your d's.

Take care xxx

 

[sezzolou]

Sorry i cant help with advise on what to do. But my son often plays on his own. I volunteer at school so walk through and sneak watch through lunch window and he's often playing on his own all last year.

This year he's onlu been back a few day and I've had can b and l come to Dino park with us. I said i dont know about Dino park but have text l mum and they are coming to play next week.

Also just thinking our school does afyer school clubs mix up year 1, 2 and 3 then the bigger ones. Are then any groups your son could do which this other child isn't in so there's no pressure there from the other child on your d's.

Take care xxx

Thank you for replying. You have given me some reassurance regarding playing on his own. Bar these incidents he does seem much happier since starting in year 1 and choosing to play alone. Its just hard for me when i try to imagine him running around alone or sitting by himself but it truely doesnt seem to phase him.

Unfortunately there is currrently only one after school club and this other boy attends it. He was reluctant to do any of the lunch time clubs as he prefers to be outside.

He started football last week and there are a few others from his year there so hopefully that will help him figure out how to build new friendships and interact with other kids.

 

[Bevziibubble]

I'm glad he seems much happier since starting year 1 and hopefully the football will help too

 

[sezzolou]

Little update...

Things are great. DS and his ‘best friend’ kept their distance for a week whicb gave my ds a little time playing alone and watching the other kids play. The last 3 days after school hes been excited to tell me who he has played with and the games he has played and is occasionally playing with his old friend in group play. The old friend is still up to his usual tricks punching and pushing but my ds is no longer the target as he would now quite confidently tell the teacher or tell him hes not playing nicely. Thank you for all your advice 😊

 

[sezzolou]

Things have gotten worse again. Ds and the other boy became close friends again a few months ago. I have realised there is a pattern... the last few weeks of every term ds friend starts getting physical. At the end of last term DS was getting punched by him. I dealt with it via the boys mum rather than school which i regret really. Last week ds told me the best part of his day was that he was wearing a different colour coat so his ‘friend’ couldnt find him. Got me thinking things must be flaring up again. On friday ds was pushed twice by him and came home with ripped trousers, coat and a cut elbow, however he still wanted to remain friends with him. I arranged a meeting yesterday with his teacher to inform her the boy was getting intentionally physical again and that it usually escalates pretty quickly. she assured me she would keep a close eye on things.

Today i have found out this boy has jumped on a child, punched another and bit another childs hand. He is almost 6 so i feel this isnt appropriate behaviour and im not keen on my ds being friends with him. I have tried to encourage ds to keep his distance this week but ds got upset and tried to tell me he wants to play with him and that he’s his only friend. Is it wrong to discourage this friendship? I feel awful about it but i really dont want this boy influencing by son or for him to be associated with his boy and his behaviour. Rumours are rife today amongst the kids and parents after what has happened and i really dont want ds to get tarred with the same brush. Im at a loss

 

[_jellybean_]

I’d definitely do everything I could to keep them apart. I’d request they be in different classes next year. Your poor son is going through so much at such a young age. Sounds like he’s great at making friends. I’d seriously cut off all contact and explain why to the other mom. Not worth the emotional ramifications

 

[noon_child]

I'd definitely talk to the school - especially about the pattern you have seen as this suggests a few things about the other boy:
1) he is finding school incredibly tiring and has no energy left for impulse control
2) he is worried about the upcoming holidays - so a red flag for school in terms of "Who does he spend time with in the holidays? Is he scared of something that happens during school holidays?"

I bought my LO a book called "My secret bully" which is all about when friends turn in to bullies and what you can say and do. Sounds like your son might already be doing the right things and that the unacceptable behaviour is now not about your son but is directed at lots of others, so this isn't about friendship boundaries anymore.