Ahh the joys of being a single mom....

Discussion in 'Single Parents' started by Novbaby08, Aug 27, 2009.

  1. Novbaby08

    Novbaby08 Mom to Harley & Piper

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    its not so bad! for all the single moms on her, remember this!
    You won!
    He's the one who walked away empty handed.
    He's the one missing out!
    You have this wonderful little person with you for the rest of your life
    what do they have? NOTHING!
    Just keep that in mind. Feel sorry for them. Their life is so empty and pathetic.
    :hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  2. sazzyb1985

    sazzyb1985 Well-Known Member

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    You're so right :) Sometimes i cant help feeling sad though that he doesnt want much to do with her she's so amazing and he's missing out on so much....x x
     
  3. Novbaby08

    Novbaby08 Mom to Harley & Piper

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    Of course he is. What a sad person to miss out on someone so special. He doesn't deserve to know her. What a gift you have. He has nothing. Just remember that when you feel down. Remember that cute little face you wake up to every morning. :D
     
  4. Mummy&bump

    Mummy&bump Well-Known Member

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    here here!! i second every word u have just said!

    xxx
     
  5. EmmanBump

    EmmanBump Guest

    im joining the single parent ladies n this is the first thread n put a big smile on my face xxxxxx
     
  6. Novbaby08

    Novbaby08 Mom to Harley & Piper

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    Good For you! All of You! Single moms don't get near the credit they deserve! Yeah its hard! But I wouln't have it any other way. I've been a single mom since I was 5 weeks pregnant. I was bitter to say the least, I'll admit. It took me a long time to realize something. I'm not missing out, I'm not tied down, I'm not destroyed by this. This is everything. When my daughter was born, that was the beginning of my life. There's nothing better then this. Yeah he gets to sleep in, and can do whatever he freakin feels like. But you know what? He doesn't have what we have. And nothing he does can replace what he's lost! He's got nothing on us!
     
  7. Ash_P

    Ash_P Due Feb with 1st

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    u`ve just gave me a boost for today reading this read. I have been feeling really down lately and angry towards my ex. How he can come and go as he pleases, how he got to stay put in our nice home while i had to try find somewhere else.
    Reading this has reminded me, that he out his pregnant wife outta our home and doesnt give a toot about his unborn child, and when the child comes along hes the one thats gonna miss the first smile, the first step, the first word, and what will he have? another relationship that he`ll prob walk out on.

    Thanks for the perk up x
     
  8. precious-gift

    precious-gift Well-Known Member

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    :happydance: you are so right, iv spent months feeling bitter and angry towards my ex, he is the one losing out, whether he realises when LO is born or months, even years down the line, he will have already missed out in so much. my baby means more to me than any man ever will, and i know that i can be a single mum, actually quite looking forward to it.
    xx
     
  9. Perdita

    Perdita waiting and wondering

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    I'm sorry but I can't buy into the happiness. I'm alone with no family and a baby on the way, I work 45 hours a week to keep a roof over my head and to pay the mortgage and how can I do that with a baby? How can I raise a child on my own and keep her fed, clothed housed and happy when I can't work? I've already had to decide not to breastfeed because I'll have to go back to work somehow when she's only 6 weeks old as I can't afford to lose this house as the only alternative the council are offering is B&B or a rotting flat in an area that houses every druggie and lazy arsed waster in the district. Woohoo so he's missing out - at least he's not worrying were the next penny is coming from, he's not even going to put his name on the birth certificate so what does that say? He's not going to regret his decision to go on with his life unchanged, I'm the one trying to work it out - and I might be the one that has to give this child up. I'm tired and I'm alone - where's the joy?
     
  10. Novbaby08

    Novbaby08 Mom to Harley & Piper

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    The joy you ask? The joy is in hope. Hoping you'll make it. I'm not sure how the government works in Scotland, but in most places the government offers assistance, and is especially lenient with single moms. Let him stay off the birth certificate, unless he plans to marry you, it does no good to have him on there. You know what, I've never been in your place, my family was very supportive. But I have friends who are in your place. And it can get better. Life isn't fair. Ever. But its nice to hope for the best even in the darkest of times. My entire 2008 year was the worst year of my life. I didn't even want to have my baby towards the end of it, but you know what, when she was born, she was like the light at the end of the tunnel. Do you want to keep your baby?
    Just remember. No matter what he says his life will change as well. It might not be as much as yours, but it will. Whether or not he's in the kids life, it will have an effect on him. but cheer up. Things get better! Just think about your baby. When I got depressed when I was pregnant I would just think about Harley and what I had to look forward to, like smiles, and laugh, etc. Wondered what she would look like.
    I'll tell you what. I had a terrible newborn. She had colic and reflux, was a terrible sleeper, moody as hell. etc. And everytime her dad would call me and tell me about all the fun he was having, I wanted to strangle his dumb ass. It drove me crazy. I had a baby who spent the first 3 months screaming every night from 6pm-10:30pm. She cried everytime I tried to feed her, didn't want to latch on, cried everytime i held her. I thought she hated me. It wasn't till she was about 3 months old, I realized how much she really meant to me.
    Yeah life sucks, but you know what, it gets better, theres some good in every situation.


    Also, I'm a total advocate for breastfeeding, but you know I was a formula baby, and I'm a very healthy person, and I'm well over 6 feet. Theres nothing wrong if you won't be able to breastfeed. :)

    I'm sorry if I can't cheer you up, but if you ever need anyone to talk to, pm me :hugs:
     
  11. precious-gift

    precious-gift Well-Known Member

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    hey perdita, sorry your having a hard time, it definately isn't easy. i moved out of the house i owned with my husband, as i couldn't afford the mortgage on my own, currently live with my parents. im on council waiting list, which is really long, and have same concerns about where i would end up being housed etc. As for money, you would get child tax credit, working tax credit and child benefit, i never wanted to end up on benefits (or be a single mum!) and will be going back to work part time when maternity leave is up, i have calculated that i will be better off claiming these benefits, than i would be working full time, and im a qualified nurse, so not on a low income, mad how the system works. Have you looked into what you would be entitled to?

    i don't know anything about your ex or your circumstances, so can't comment, but my ex blows hot and cold, wanting to be a good father to wanting no involvement at all :shrug: i do know that when LO is here, it will hurt him, and i do believe he will have many regrets, but as i say i don't know what your ex is like.

    do you have any friends you can talk to? how long have you and ex been split up?

    hope things will get better for you, i know the first few months after my break up all i did was cry and worry about the future, and i now feel like im getting through that now, but it is not easy, i guess we are trying to pick out the positives in a difficult situation.

    take care :hugs: xx
     
  12. Perdita

    Perdita waiting and wondering

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    We had already stopped seeing each other when I found out I was pregnant, it was just a casual relationship and I had been told a few years ago that I would need IVF to get pregnant so neither of us worried too much when we weren't as careful as usual one night.
    Because it's a mortgage I won't get housing benefit, I originally moved here with my ex-husband and I was left with the mortgage and no social circle or support when he left (he poisoned the well so to speak by telling everyone I was having an affair and had secretely had an IUD put in so I wouldn't get pregnant despite him wanting children - neither of which was true but he played the victim very well). When I asked one of the community midwives for help I was told I wasn't her patient (I have diabetes so seen at the obstetric unit) and when I asked at my next ante-natal appt I was told by the midwife I wasn't really entitled to anything much as didn't qualify. I'm also a nurse but I work in private healthcare and so get no sick pay and only statutory maternity pay which I was told would be next to nothing compared to my wages.
    As for the father he's already getting on with his life and made it clear that I chose not to have a termination therefore he's got nothing to do with it and won't be putting his name on the birth certificate or his hand in his pocket, he's cut off all communication and even changed his mobile number and when he recently moved with his job didn't even tell me what part of the country he's in. I've heard through a mutual acquantance he's moved in his girlfriend - he's told no-one that he's going to be a father.
    I'm sorry I can't see the positive in this, but it seems my care is no-ones responsibility and according to the one midwife (not the one whose patient list I'm on) that spoke to me I'll get nothing after the 'health in pregnancy' grant. I can't move in with my parents and my sister has told me I'm a little idiot for getting pregnant (at 36 she still treats me like a teenager) and should have 'dealt with it' as soon as I found out.
    Sorry, I shouldn't have started the downer on the thread but I'd be fooling myself if I somehow think he'll regret it and I've got the better deal. My pregnancy is going ok and I'm happy to feel her move but it's always in my mind that I might have to give her up if going to give her the chance of a happy life.
     
  13. busybuzybee

    busybuzybee Well-Known Member

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    It is not up to him whether he puts his name on the birth certificate. It is up to you as the mother and YES he DOES have a legal obligation to support his child whether he likes it or not. He cannot escape that.
     
  14. precious-gift

    precious-gift Well-Known Member

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    :hugs: im really sorry your not getting the help and support you need, especially from your family. i work in private sector as well, only getting stat maternity pay, please look at entitledto.com to see what you would be entitled to. you will only get health in pregnancy grant, but you can claim any benefits after baby is born. you would be entitled to surestart maternity grant after LO is here (£500), once you have started recieving child tax credit, because as far as im aware you would get higher element due to being a single parent.

    I started buying things for baby early on, so i could spread the cost, FOB hasn't bought anything, been lucky that my parents bought pram, which helped a lot, but you don't need to have the most expensive things, and i found a lot of bargains by shopping around. I can understand how you feel about money, i was terrified about how i would cope financially, spent ages checking that my calculations were right etc. i also wouldn't be entitled to housing benefit, as my earnings are too high. is it possible to opt for a smaller mortgage, or look at some of your other outgoings?

    its awful that men avoid their responsibilities, and he has made it difficult for as you don't where he lives or works, could this aquaintance give you this info? he really should be paying for his child, i would get onto CSA as soon as LO is born to see if they can help. I managed to get hold of my ex's national insurance number, which is info that helps them and he still has same job and lives in our house, so that will make it easier for me and easier on my finances.

    i really hope things get better for you, talk to us anytime on here, i know the support on this site has helped me through the last few months. A lot of single mums on this forum would have had the same financial worries.

    :hugs: xx
     
  15. Perdita

    Perdita waiting and wondering

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    As far as I'm aware he has to be there to put his name on the birth certificate - I can't just name him, I could put anyones name down! He can be added to the birth certificate later I think but as far as I'm aware there's no legal way to have his name on there without his permission.
    It's not that my parents don't want to help it's just that they can't - they're both retired due to ill health and can barely support themselves, until recently I've been giving them money every month!
    Unfortunatley I'm locked into my mortgage for another 2 years but then i'm lucky in that it's co-owned with my ex husband and even though he's living 300 miles away he wants to keep the house as an asset so I only pay half the mortgage and insurance and all my other bills - he pays the other half of the mortgage. I've saved enough for 4 months mortgage payments but that's all it will cover - not council tax, bills, food or clothes. I know babies don't care if their clothes come from next or asda and to be honest the clothes I've got her so far have been second hand (some with the tags still on!) or from asda, primark or anywhere with good sale prices! I got a cot for £100 including a new mattress and still looking for a good deal on a pram or getting one second hand - it's turning out to be harder than I thought, I don't want to spend a fortune but don't want something I'm going to have to replace in a month coz it's not up to the challenge of heavy usage, I don't drive and walk everywhere.
     
  16. purpledahlia

    purpledahlia Mummy

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    Perdita you will be able to find a second hand pram on ebay or even on here no problem. The birth cert.. yes he does need to be there to physically sign it .. but if he doesnt want to be involved? why let him? he sounds like an idiot like my babys dad, but you def dont want him on the cert if thats going to give this airhead parental rights and responsibility's!! you can still claim to CSA. All you need is a full name. Yes it takes longer the more information the easier it is for them to track him.. but they WILL track him!! i know someone who gave a name and it took a while a good 6-9 months or so to get sorted, but she gets money now every week that goes thru CSA straight from his wages, and he is not on the birth cert. hope that makes you feel a bit more positive.

    is it possible you could get a friend to move in?? is it a 2 bed? you could get a lodger for 6 months or so to help with bills and they could pay you rent??Where do you live? im sure theres a market?? is that something you could consider to help ease the worry??

    No shame in choosing bottle feeding either. Your lucky you get SMP tho, I got screwed over big time, Thats me just moved back up and i have no job now, no smp, cant get mat allowance, my boss gave me ONE HUNDRED for 'the baby'.. so gnerous huh? when ive worked my arse off in her house for 14 months? i am officially going to be on JSA then income support, and i have no flat yet either. I know its hard to believe but you really are in a better situation than some. I think you just need some positive thoughts and cheering up. :D xx
     
  17. Perdita

    Perdita waiting and wondering

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    I know there is always someone worse off and I know that women raise children in difficult circumstances all the time but to be honest I'm not them. Knowing it can be even more difficult is not really very helpful! I do have a really nice three bed house but that means huge mortgage, big council tax bills and expensive on gas/electric. The house was on the market for over a year with no joy and until the market picks up round here as the mortgage needs to be paid anyway and neither my ex or I want to hand it back to the bank it is almost as much of a curse as a blessing. If I have a lodger the council tax adds back the 25% single adult reduction plus the third room would have to furnished for a lodger as currently a study! It's a great idea but unfortunately I'm due to be induced at christmas and the practicalities outweigh the advantages! I've been fighting depression since I was 19 and right now everything is very dark and I don't have much fight left in me.
     
  18. JuneMommy1980

    JuneMommy1980 Member

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    I really enjoyed this post!! I had to read it twice. I do agree with you, they are missing out on soooo much..but it's their lose. Your post will keep me encouraged :)
     
  19. Novbaby08

    Novbaby08 Mom to Harley & Piper

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    Thanks for reading it then, I'm happy to know I was able to make you feel better :D
     
  20. tinkabells

    tinkabells Well-Known Member

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    Wow all of this made me cry, we all doing a good job, we all struggle have our ups and downs, but i know when hollie smiles at me, she's smiling at me and not him xxx
     

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