all I can think is "they shoot horses don't they?"

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by Klandagi, Dec 10, 2009.

  1. Klandagi

    Klandagi Well-Known Member

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    This is my second MC this year. One in late Jan/Early Feb in accordance with bleeding. I was only 5 weeks along and it was like a bad period.

    This time? I'm 9+2 and today there was no heartbeat after already having two positive ER ultrasounds on the 2nd of Dec and 5th of Dec which measured a happy healthy baby and a healthy heart rate. However between the 5th and today my angel passed away. I've been spotting since the second and bleeding with clots since the 5th. On the 7th I passed a large clot but apparently the baby is still in my womb and we just have to play a wait and see game with my cervix still tightly closed. Somehow I still don't want to believe they're gone. I want the doctor and his stupid tech to be wrong. But deep down I know they're not.

    Telling me OH today was the hardest thing I had to do. He's a few thousand miles away in Canada waiting for my return from Florida. He called hoping to hear I'd be e-mailing ultrasound photos and all I could do was break down and say "I'm so sorry". I could hear the wind being ripped from his sails. It broke my heart. Completely broke my heart and tore me to ribbons.

    I spent the rest of the day returning everything I bought for the baby and canceling registries, returning maternity wear... I can't stand looking at it. We were going to announce our pregnancy with picture frame ornaments filled with ultrasound photos... I had to return those first and foremost and I couldn't even talk to the clerk at Michaels. Thank God my mother was there and able to pull herself together.

    I'm not cramping... But I'm bleeding... I don't want to go in for a D&C. My doctor just made my head spin and I hate him for his coldness. I hate his entire staff for their "well tough luck, you need to pay us $500 and we don't take checks" attitude and words as I'm standing there in the waiting room bawling my eyes out after racing out of the doctor's office to find my waiting mom. I'm 22. But I'm so glad I had her there for moral support. I guess with all the bleeding I knew it was inevitable but I still had so much hope. I love my angel so God damned much I feel like it's killing me. I saw them on the screen living and moving just so recently. I'm so haunted. How callous can people be? So for hat reason alone I don't feel like endorsing the doctor further by allowing him to profit from a D&C. I'm going to try to pass this naturally and if I get into trouble then I'll seek out emergency treatment as opposed to letting him touch me ever again.

    I just want to know why this happened... No one can give me answers and I'm feeling like a monster for being unable to protect someone so helpless. I failed them. Bottom line.
     
  2. chirp123

    chirp123 Active Member

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    I am so sorry for your loss. I just had my secind mc this year too. It is so hard to love some one so much then lose them. Please know that this isn't your fault. It is so easy to blame ourselves. My ob gyn was kind enough to tell me that there was nothing I could have done to cause or prevent the mc. It is the same for you. I did have a d&c and was able to have a biopsy done on the second embryo. The baby had a heart defect. It was hard to hear, but at the same time it made me feel so much better that it wasn't something I could control. It is so hard when you have seen the heartbeat and you want this baby so badly. I wish that there was something I could do or say that would help to comfort you. Please just know that this was not your fault.
     
  3. shocker

    shocker Well-Known Member

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    Im so so sorry for your loss :cry: reading your post i could just feel the heartbreak and anger.I've had one loss so i cant imagine how difficult it must be to be going through this again.This is not your fault hun, theres nothing you could have done to prevent this! Its just one of those horrendous occurances in life, theres no reasons or answers.I wish i could say something to ease the pain for you but there are no words that i could ever say that would make this easier for you, just know im thinking of you and sending hugs during this difficult times xx :hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  4. sophster

    sophster Guest

    I'm so sorry; I had a mmc two and a bit months ago now; and it is horrible. It is not your fault what happened and I hope you do realise that. If you are already bleeding it may be worth waiting for it to happen naturally, if thats what you will prefer. I had a natural miscarriage after deciding that was the way for me, thankfully things happened very quickly. Probably quicker than they could have got me in for a d&c.
     
  5. missjay

    missjay Well-Known Member

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    sorry about your loss, i have just lost my first one a week ago and i cant even describe how it feels and for a second......
    its not your fault, thats one thing for sure. all i am going to do now is send you best wishes and hope you recover well from it soon.

    xxxx
     
  6. lauraperrysan

    lauraperrysan Mummy of 2!! :)

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    im so sorry huni :( i had loss no 5 last month.....the pain is still so raw from the 1st let alone the other 4 I have lost since.....
    xxxx
     

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