Am i being selfish Very long sorry (Update)

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by dbspider, Jan 30, 2011.

  1. dbspider

    dbspider Well-Known Member

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    Everyone knows me as the one who loves there wife especially now she is carrying our little boy.

    But over the last few days i have been feeling as if the love is all onesided

    here is what i have been thinking

    I do almost everything for the wife now she is pregnant (which i dont mind as i know she needs her rest) but it has now turned into almost a second full time job and when i ask my 12 year old step son to help do anything she says oh its not fair you do it

    Today i ran a bath for her as i worry about her slipping in the shower and when it was ran i washed her and her hair then helped her out the bath and dryed her and put her socks on ( i know little ott but as i said i dont even mind doing it for her as long as i know she is safe) but i dont even get a thank u or a hug. After spending 3 hours of torture at the inlaws i ran a bath for myself and said you want to scrub my back i got "Oh no my tv program is on" but not for half sn hour i thought

    The last 5 days i have been suffering from a stinking cold even been off work as i am asthmatic as well. I did not want her to catch the cold so i have slept on the sofa as to try and keep her away from the germs not the most confortable either but yet again i was trying to keep her safe but all i got when i woke up was things that had to be done. I even spent 4 hours yesterday rearranging our sitting room and even went as far as throwing out my pride and joy pc desk, yet again no hug or thank you i even said im shattered after that and i got i bet you are its tea time do you want to go get tea :dohh::dohh:

    Now tonight i said i will come to bed and sleep with her as feel alot better now i wanted i hug and a snuggle and i love to rub our little bump but every time i went to rub she pulled away and when i tryed to hug her she just curled up and went to sleep

    Now i dont know if things are just building up with me as i said have been feeling down about things the last week or so. Its like its only my family who are excited about our little lad its not my mums first grand child but she has went out a bought us a cot a mosses basket and even went against all her medical ethics (she is a nurse at a hospital not far from us) and went to the hospital midwifes for advice for us. But my in laws as this will be the wifes 3 kid just dont seem to be interested havnt asked us if there was anything we need ( which there aint that much as the wife and i have bought aload of things already but there is still things needed) if i ask them for some advice on anything i get told to stop being stupid woman do this every day which really pees me off ( i have no other family bar my mum sister and brother to turn to some times i wish my dad was still alive)

    Can any of you ladies tell me if i am being selfish or am i right to bring these things up with the wife
     
  2. natalie85

    natalie85 Well-Known Member

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    wow!! i would really talk to her!!! my hubby is fantastic, but i would never let him do all that for me, we are pregnant not ill!!! i could understand helping with socks etc but that would be later on when she cant bend down!! i would say she is taking advantage really!! and you are doing too much for her, try talking to her and taking a step back!! good luck!!
     
  3. melissasbump

    melissasbump Well-Known Member

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    Hi there
    I have read lots of your other posts and really admire how you look after your wife etc.
    All I would like to say is (and this is my 1st pregnency so this is my only experiance) pregnancy does strange things to ladies! I too have not felt much like snuggling up to my OH and have been relying on him an awful lot (probably too much) The hormones etc have had an enormous effect on me and i never thought i would struggle or be like I have been. Please try not to take your wifes actions or lack of to heart... its easy for us to take advantage and i have become quite self absorbed and forgot that my partner has also got feelings and worries of his own. All it took was a heart to heart about how we were both feeling and our hopes and fears.
    Like i said earlier, from my experiance pregnancy has been quite a self absorbing thing for me and its easy to forget those around us.
    Dont be too hard on her just tell her how you feel and im sure it will all be fine xx
     
  4. Ember

    Ember Pregnant - 3rd Trimester

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    You are not being selfish at all! My hubby has been so wonderful to me and I thank him constantly, am very affectionate, and tell him how much I love him all the time. When he hurts, I try to give him a back or shoulder rub as well as I can. The men that actually take care of their women deserve some recognition and for something to be done for them in return! Your wife is an incredibly lucky woman and I think she needs to be reminded of that. There are so many ladies on here that have gotten absolutely no help from their FOBs and have either just put up with it or kicked them to the curb and decided to go it alone. She has no idea how lucky she is to not be put in that position!

    Your emotional needs need to be met as well, not just hers. It's possible she may be going through something, though, and is just afraid to talk about it. She could have depression, which could be causing her to act this way. It might be worthwhile to ask her how she is feeling mentally and emotionally. Either way, you definitely need to have a serious talk with her and let her know how you are feeling. I love my husband so much and would definitely want to know if I ever made him feel that way. If it's all just one-sided, then it isn't healthy for the baby, and your relationship likely won't last. Communication is the foundation for all relationships. Healthy, open, honest communication is the basic ingredient of the healthiest relationships!
     
  5. theresarhuebb

    theresarhuebb x mother of 3 x

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    wow i love my man to peices but hed never go out of his way like you have for your wife. your not being selfish at all. try taking a step back and when she asks why tell her. and exactly what coalie said we are indeed pregnant and although were doing something hard and wounderfull were not ill and not incapable of doing stuff. you derserve love too weither its a hug or i love you. talk to her x
     
  6. dbspider

    dbspider Well-Known Member

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    thanks coalie this is what alot of people say to me but then i worry that if i step back i will end up being the next post about a husband that does nothing

    @melissasbump i know the hormones are a big factor and thats why i just didnt know if i was being selfish or not
     
  7. natalie85

    natalie85 Well-Known Member

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    try not to worry about that she needs to realise how much u have been doing for her that way i hope she will appreiciate u more!!! i cant imagine how hard it is for u to feel like this as i have seen a lot of men get pushed to the sideline during pregnancy, the women always get more attention, but fathers need recognition and appreciation too!!!! maybe go for something like a spa day, and at the end say how nice it was for us both to enjoy something together..??
     
  8. tessica123

    tessica123 Well-Known Member

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    Think I need to point you in direction of my oh for you to give him a good telling off

    I am meant tobe on pelvic rest and my oh has sat on his backside all day watched clean all,cupboard doors in kitchen re arrange all benches in kitchen do 4 loads of washing and look after my 6 month old then ask me what's for tea!
     
  9. melissasbump

    melissasbump Well-Known Member

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    You arene being selfish at all .I agree with the other ladies you have been wonderful and i am lucky that my OH has been wonderful too. Im sure a talk will sort it all out you just need to tell each other how you feel XX
     
  10. dbspider

    dbspider Well-Known Member

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    AAAwww you poor thing god knows what i would be like if the wife was told to rest i probably would need to hire a home help

    Alot of woman have said i wish my hubby was like you but i have said it once and still say it if you love the person so much then you now need to love them double as there is 2 hearts in there that need to be loved

    But at the moment its like all my love is being sucked from me
     
  11. dbspider

    dbspider Well-Known Member

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    I wish i could really take a step back but i really really worry about her and our little man and although she not ill i feel like i need to look after her. Also there is my worry if i dont look after her and something goes wrong i would blame myself for not looking after her right
     
  12. Ember

    Ember Pregnant - 3rd Trimester

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    You sound like exactly the way I would be thinking if I were in your position, afraid I'd blame myself if something happened. I really think that just talking to her and telling her you feel like you're being taken for granted and would at least like a thank you and a kiss every now and then to let you know that you are appreciated. She might not even realize that she's making you feel this way. Let us know how it goes when you talk with her. :hugs:
     
  13. natalie85

    natalie85 Well-Known Member

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    aww bless u!!! u really need to talk to her she has to know how much this is hurting u!!! when baby is born do u want him to be born into a family where there is negativity, they pick up these things easily!!
    if you cant talk to her, maybe write her a letter explaining things? i really feel for u!! i know i would be horrified if my hubby felt like this!! i can understand it must be scary is there a chance she doesnt realise she is doing it?
     
  14. natalie85

    natalie85 Well-Known Member

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    ps you cannot blame yourself for anything, whats meant to be is meant to be and he has come this far!!
     
  15. dbspider

    dbspider Well-Known Member

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    I thought that she didnt know she was doing it as well but the other week when we went out for lunch with my mum i was having a laff and joke about what i did for her and my mum just turned round and said "there is taking it easy and there is taking the piss !!!" i was shocked as she looked at my wife when she said it.

    As for the happy family we have always been very happy and i know she does love me as much as i love her its as i said at the moment it just feels like the love is being sucked from me and i was not sure if it was a normal pregnant woman thing and i have not really got anyone to turn to my brother is only 21 and has no kids and the rest are woman. And although i hated my dad for many years i wish at times he was alive just so i could ask him things like this
     
  16. natalie85

    natalie85 Well-Known Member

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    did she make any comments to you about what your mum said? what were her facial expressions, has anything changed since then?
    i've not known a pregnant woman to act in quite this extreme, does she work?
    hmmm even if you could ask your dad, he may not be able to tell you what you want to hear, because every pregancy is different, every woman is different, it can make or break couples it can push the happiest of couples to breaking point but the key is communication, i know my hubby hates my mood swings, i have previously suffered from depression so i am doing my best not to keep emotions bottled up but unfortunatly he gets the moods but i do my best to make it up to him!! its all about give and take!!
     
  17. Ember

    Ember Pregnant - 3rd Trimester

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    Maybe she just thought your mom was being a bitch. She still might not realize just how it is making you feel. I'm sure if she loves you as much as you love her, she wouldn't want to make you feel this way on purpose. Again, consider the idea she might have depression. It's important to talk to her and find out now because if it turns into postpartum depression after the baby is born, it could become dangerous. Women with PPD can sometimes do crazy things they would never do otherwise and would hate themselves for ever even considering doing. And coalie is right, the baby will pick up on how bad you feel and it will be upsetting.
     
  18. dbspider

    dbspider Well-Known Member

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    when my mum said it she laffed and said well if he going to do it then im not going to stop him. Yeh she does work and yet again i have her lunch ready for her when she comes home at lunch time (if i am working it is left for her ) then i go and pick up the kids from school then go to work or if it is on my finishing time she goes and picks up the eldest and i race to pick up the youngest and come home and cook tea

    I try to talk to her about things but with things in the pregnancy i hate to bring it up just incase it is part and pack of the experiance and then thinks i am moaning about everything i do (which as i said i dont mind doing it ) but dont seem to get any thanks for it lately
     
  19. qpaulina42

    qpaulina42 Well-Known Member

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    Ok, don't take this the wrong way, because I don't know you or your situation, but it looks to me like you are letting your wife walk all over you and are being a bit of a pushover. Also, and perhaps I'm totally wrong, it looks like you are bit too clingy, which may be pushing her away (unless you've always been this way, in which case, never mind, cause she obviously loves you enough to marry you). Again, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but from person experience I find that men who are overly 'devoted' and obsessive in their affection are actually very needy and insecure.
    Having said all that, I would still bring your frustration to her attention - being open about these things is usually a good thing, and for goodness sake, give her some room! Let the woman shower if she wants to. And remember, laziness can be a downward spiral, there is no reason for her to be unable to wash her own hair or to not want to do the same for you if you ask. All this does not sound healthy to me...
    If she is totally detached, depression may be a problem, who knows.
    Finally, if it is all just hormones with her and she really just would rather not be bothered to do something right now (I can relate), then do let her, but don't neglect your own needs.
     
  20. dbspider

    dbspider Well-Known Member

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    I understand about the depression as i suffer badly from anxiety which is a form of depression and there is no signs that this is happening. Maybe i have just been way to good to her and now she expects it, and cause i dont kick that much fuss up about things she is just enjoying being pampered
     

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