Am I being selfish?

[SomedaySally]

I've lost three babies to miscarriage. All three were very hard for me.
My brother and his wife just had twin daughters who are beautiful and I am very happy for them but my family has been going on about how "we finally have grand babies" "first grand babies" and it tears my heart out. Like the pain and loss that I went through doesn't mean anything. But I feel like just because they are gone doesn't mean they didn't exsist or have a huge impact on my life.
Am I being selfish in wishing they wouldn't ignore my babies?

 

[KateC]

I don't think it's selfish, but I do understand that a baby to a mom is not the same as a baby to a grandmother (or anyone else in the world)! So many moms feel close and bonded to their babies during pregnancy, but the rest of the world really doesn't until they meet that baby. They don't experience our togetherness. It's really something that only we ever feel, so I think it's natural that your parents wouldn't feel connected with the miscarried babies.

At the same time, your hurt is legitimate, and I would feel the same way, especially with the language they're using. I think you should speak up about it. Something really quick and "I" centered, like:

"Mom, I know you're excited about the twins, and so am I, but I want you to know that it really hurts my feelings when you talk like this and say 'we finally have grand babies' because it makes me feel my losses all the more painfully. You know I wanted to give you grandchildren for years. It just didn't work out that way, and it still hurts me very much."

That's it. No further explanation needed. No yelling at her. Just a simple reminder that words require care, and times of joy can also be entangled in loss and sorrow for some.

Don't ask her or expect her to feel your losses exactly as you feel them, but do speak up and point it out when she's hurting your feelings.

Good luck, honey. Congratulations on becoming an aunt, and I really, really hope that it's your turn to be mommy next.

 

[blueskai]

This is something that bugs me, my mum and dad already have grandchildren from my other two sisters, but my OH family is only small and Jack would've been their first grandchild. It bothers me greatly that they haven't acknowledged that, and I know that any other baby I had they would count as their first, or worse still, if my OH only brother ended up having a baby with his gf...ugh I don't know how I'd face that, everyone cooing over this living baby when there's just no acknowledgment for the life my baby had. I just wish everyone was more open about it.
Having said that, I spoke to my mum about how I felt about my OH family's reaction, and she was mortified that she had been guilty of not recognising what had happened, even though I'd never felt that from either my mum or dad. So it definitely would help if you were to express how you feel, even if at the end of it they still don't understand, at least you've expressed yourself which is ever so important.

Don't ever let the people around you make you feel ashamed for how you feel, or second guess your feelings because each one, however irrational you feel they are, are definitely important, and you need to take every opportunity to express them

Hope you're okay hun

xo

 

[andie526]

oh hunny im so sorry. i feel that way at times. i was the first to be pregnant out of my siblings even though im the second youngest of 5. now that ive had two miscarriages i feel like it will be really painful if one of my siblings decides to get pregnant right now. i had the first grandbaby... not them. i know it may seem selfish, but its the way we feel at a time like this. just know that they are alive and beautiful in your heart.... you will never forget the love you feel for them.