Am I Being Too Harsh?

[hellojello25]

Okay, so this is a MIL thing, kinda. She's not my MIL yet, but I am pregnant with my boyfriend's child and I don't want her to babysit my child...ever. And now I'll tell you why.

BF has a sister and BIL that have two children, a girl who is 4 and a boy who just turned 1. My problems with how MIL babysits start when the girl was 2. MIL overfeeds her constantly, to the point where the poor girl will throw up, and not only that, but she feeds her loads of junk. And she used to babysit her every day, so the kid was eating junk food all day long. And when I say all day, I mean all day. I walked out of BF's room to go to work around 7 in the morning and the girl was sitting there with a Tupperware container full of chocolate chips, eating them by the handful. MIL had given them to her to eat while she was making brownies. And it still continues to this day. MIL just did the same thing last week to the poor girl.

My next problem with her is the fact that now she will just tell the niece, oh, don't tell your parents that I gave you this, and she actually means it. She seriously tries to get the girl to lie to her parents so MIL won't get in trouble. Not that it works, because the niece will spill the beans anyways, but I'm am SO not okay with that.

Up until this past Saturday, those were the only two things I had a problem with when it came to childcare. BF had planned to talk to her about them, and if she changed those things, we would consider letting her babysit, but after I heard what I did this past weekend, no way!

So, now that we're pregnant, we wanted to get a better scope of what she was doing, so on Saturday, we went to BF's sister's house to talk with them about it. There are a bunch of things we never heard about! Apparently in the middle of August (so a month ago) MIL had both the kids all day and didn't give them any food or anything to drink! The boy wasn't even 1 yet! And then, just last week, BIL said he went to go pick up the girl and saw that there was chocolate all over her face. Apparently she had had a Dilly bar from Dairy Queen, which wouldn't be horrible until you take into the account that she had literally just gotten over the stomach bug. And that's not even the worst thing: MIL had been off her depression/anxiety medication for 6 days! Now, there are a couple reasons why this is an immediate red flag in my mind: 1: she's trying to get disability for this (don't even get me started on the fact that she can chase a 1 and 4 year old around all day but apparently can't get a job), and 2: (this is heavy stuff, so if you have a trigger, you probably shouldn't read it) my best friend's aunt went off her depression/anxiety medication, killed her daughter, and then hung herself.

So hopefully you can understand why this woman will never babysit my child. BF still thinks she has a chance to turn it around and is going to talk to her about this stuff to see if she can change, but unless I see a huge change, I can't let her around my kid unsupervised.

Am I being too harsh on the woman? I'm not saying she can't see our child, I am just not willing to let her babysit. Please leave me some advice, because this is stressing me out.

 

[FlumpsMamma]

No you are not id be exactly the same. I'm very strict about what my daughter can eat and I hate letting OH parents have her because they occasionally give her junk. They did it to OH and he was extremely overweight as a child because they don't do anything healthy or home made and think letting a child sit around all day watching tv is fine. Anyway back to you.
No you're not too harsh this woman sounds like a nightmare and wouldn't be anywhere near my child/children.

 

[PurpleIvy44]

Hell no! You need to go with your gut instinct as a mother and if you feel the tiniest bit unsettled about your future MIL then you need to not do it. Especially with it comes to mental health issues. If she was good about taking them and you felt confident then I would feel it's alright. But like you just found out, if she's not been taking them for days and something horrible happens then it would be too late. I'm sure you guys don't want to hurt her feelings and all but this is a helpless baby you're talking about and I wouldn't be able to leave him/her in good conscience. I hope everything works out for you, good luck!

 

[Spudtastic]

You're not being too harsh at all. I wouldn't let this woman near my child without me there.

I am probably over protective of my daughter too.
My MIL drinks every lunchtime and from 5pm onwards. I will let her and my fil take dd before lunch but not after. MIL is happy to lie about her drinking and smoking.

MY MISTAKE....
I actually decided I was being too harsh when dd was about 6 months old. My mil just wanted to take dd for walks in the buggy for 45 minutes. I let her because I thought I was being to harsh and she said she would not have a lunchtime drink. She would come around in the afternoon and promised that she had not had a lunch time drink.
THEN one day she tripped and dropped my dd who hit her head. DD was ok but MIL had been lying about not drinking.
So back I went to being strict. DD comes first.

 

[Misscalais]

Why on earth is your bil still sending his kids to her? That's abuse in my eyes!
My mil was similar, always wanting to fill my boys with chocolate, lollies and cake. It took hubby to get nasty with her for her to stop and think of healthier treats, with the occasional chocolate etc. We only let her have the boys over night one time. Her house is not kid friendly, and lives in the bush with a pool, dams etc.
We actually no longer speak to her, she hasn't met DS3. We haven't spoken to her since May last year.

 

[babymabey]

Definitely not being too harsh! I won't let my mom watch my son because the one time she did she had taken too many pain pills and was so out of it I thought we were going to have to take her to the emergency room. Thankfully they were at my house and my BIL lives with us so he was able to watch him for a little bit for us to get home from my husbands work function. The kids will never stay the night at my parents house because my dad and brother smoke in the house and they show absolutely no respect for my mom.
Anyway, when it comes to our kids safety we know what it best. If something gives you a bad feeling then don't do it.
Best of luck to you. Hopefully your boyfriend and his brother talk to her about her behavior and it helps push her to get the help that she needs.

 

[DobbyForever]

What does your boyfriend think? You only really have a problem if he disagrees. You're not cutting her out. You're just not leaving her responsible for the well being of your children. Grandparents are meant to spoil, but in small SMALL doses lol. Call me whatever you want, SO's family is getting nowhere near this child without visitation. I don't even sleepover at their house. Hell, he's on a family vacation right now and where I am? Lol. I see how they raised SO, so they can get over themselves. I'm being harsh. You have legitimate concerns.

 

[Powell130]

Not harsh at all. That baby is yours to protect how you see fit.
I dont trust my in laws with our son; they've never baby sat him. I dont trust my dad with him; hes watched him for 45 mins, once, with my Nanny there, at his house which at the time was across the street from where we lived.
I've really only let two friends of mine watch him because I'm extremely picky about who watches him.

 

[Nerdy]

my mother spoils my son by giving him bananas and cheese that spoil his dinner. I would LOSE IT if she fed him constant junk food! There's harmless spoling and then there's putting a child in danger. I wouldn't let your MIL touch my kids unsupervised, especially taking the mental health issues into account!

 

[MindUtopia]

No, I don't think you're being too harsh at all. It's a big deal for me that I'm the parent and I set the rules, no matter who cares for my child. They follow my rules. Honestly, I'm not incredibly comfortable leaving my daughter with our family and they're actually pretty sensible. I just don't think people who aren't used to being around children and don't have any training in caring for child are good people to be full-time carers. My mum and my MIL are lovely people and they are great to have around for short periods of time, but they still don't do things the way we would want them done (though nothing at all like your MIL), but I wouldn't feel comfortable with either of them watching our daughter several days a week. They are just old enough to not quite be able to do that well enough and they don't really remember what it's like to have a small child. Babysitting in the evening on occasion, fine. But not all the time, and I don't think you're being harsh at all. Your kid, your rules.

 

[hellojello25]

What does your boyfriend think? You only really have a problem if he disagrees. You're not cutting her out. You're just not leaving her responsible for the well being of your children. Grandparents are meant to spoil, but in small SMALL doses lol. Call me whatever you want, SO's family is getting nowhere near this child without visitation. I don't even sleepover at their house. Hell, he's on a family vacation right now and where I am? Lol. I see how they raised SO, so they can get over themselves. I'm being harsh. You have legitimate concerns.

He doesn't disagree at all, he's just more willing to give his mother a chance to change. He went over to talk to her yesterday about everything and she cried a lot, which is how she used to manipulate him when he was younger, but he didn't care and stuck to his guns. She said she knows she has to change how she does things and he told her exactly what she had to do in order to even be considered to babysit our child. I'm hoping for his sake that she changes, because I know he wants our child to have a good relationship with their grandmother, but I don't have much faith that she will. She's been doing this for far too long without any consequences. Yes, BIL and sister yell at her for the other things, but they never do anything further about it, which is why she hasn't changed. Everyone in her life coddles her and sugarcoats things and yesterday was the first time BF actually stood up to her. And I hope she takes it seriously, because if she thinks that we aren't serious about this, she's got another thing coming.

And I have no idea why BIL and sister keep sending them to her. It's not a money thing, because they said if we wanted to use her as a babysitter, they would put their kids in daycare/preschool full time. They say they want their kids to have a close relationship with their grandmother, and I would like that too, but not at the expense of my child's safety. And she doesn't need to babysit to have a close relationship. Before I got pregnant, BF and I were doing weekly dinners with her, AND BF has a job where he has MOndays and Tuesdays off (really helps with daycare costs lol), so he and MIL and baby can spend time together then too. I just don't get the big deal about not babysitting. I think she assumed because she got niece and nephew every day, she was going to get mine. Not today, lady!

 

[busybee98]

I don't think it's too harsh op. I don't let my parents be alone with my dd because they were emotionally abusive and a little physically neglectful to me. I don't need them to do that to my dd as well. Enough harm done. I Only visit like 2-3 hours At a time while I'm there so she can see them without having to experience the real them. It's painful to admit but ultimately ur kid is ur responsibility. It's tough though I know!

 

[DobbyForever]

He doesn't disagree at all, he's just more willing to give his mother a chance to change. He went over to talk to her yesterday about everything and she cried a lot, which is how she used to manipulate him when he was younger, but he didn't care and stuck to his guns. She said she knows she has to change how she does things and he told her exactly what she had to do in order to even be considered to babysit our child. I'm hoping for his sake that she changes, because I know he wants our child to have a good relationship with their grandmother, but I don't have much faith that she will. She's been doing this for far too long without any consequences. Yes, BIL and sister yell at her for the other things, but they never do anything further about it, which is why she hasn't changed. Everyone in her life coddles her and sugarcoats things and yesterday was the first time BF actually stood up to her. And I hope she takes it seriously, because if she thinks that we aren't serious about this, she's got another thing coming.

And I have no idea why BIL and sister keep sending them to her. It's not a money thing, because they said if we wanted to use her as a babysitter, they would put their kids in daycare/preschool full time. They say they want their kids to have a close relationship with their grandmother, and I would like that too, but not at the expense of my child's safety. And she doesn't need to babysit to have a close relationship. Before I got pregnant, BF and I were doing weekly dinners with her, AND BF has a job where he has MOndays and Tuesdays off (really helps with daycare costs lol), so he and MIL and baby can spend time together then too. I just don't get the big deal about not babysitting. I think she assumed because she got niece and nephew every day, she was going to get mine. Not today, lady!

I love my grandparents, but once I was a grown adult I have very little relationship with them. My grandparents on my dad's side are bipolar and have a dysfunctional relationship. My mom used to force us to go to their house, and I would cry all the time because I wanted to come home. I have seen my grandfather yell at my grandmother and vice versa since I was a baby, seen him pull a gun on one uncle, punch another in the face... I was terrified being there because even when he wasn't maniac I knew something was wrong with him and he could switch at any moment. So once it became my choice, I don't see them. We got better in college when they were 30 minutes from my school, and I set ground rules and walked out a few times. But I probably call them once every few months and see them once every few years.

My suggestion is to sit her down and lay some ground rules. Let her know she gets one screw up. If she screws up, she doesn't get to babysit anymore for either x amount of time or period.

You also don't have to babysit to have a good relationship. I meant to type supervision. She can see your kid for soccer games and dinners or family together days or vacations. Just make sure one of you is present.

 

[hellojello25]

So nothing's changed. We went over to BF's sister's house last night for dinner and just that day MIL had told niece not to tell her mom and dad about some junk food. The poor kid cried for 20 minutes when she did tell. No 4 year old should have to go through that. And the other day, niece was sick from eating too much junk. BF was really upset, but I am now adamant that she will not be babysitting my son. It's been 2 weeks and MIL just can't do it. Idk if BF is going to talk to MIL again or not, but at this point I don't really care. My son is not going to be subjected to that. And frankly, this woman is 62 years old. She's never had any consequences for her actions and she's not going to change. Not my problem now. Alex will go to daycare and she can see him on the weekends, when BF and I will be around to supervise. I'm so done.