Am I being *too* selfish?

Discussion in 'Waiting To Try' started by everdreaming, Jun 7, 2011.

  1. everdreaming

    everdreaming Guest

    My OH is on a nasty medication for his arthritis - it's used in chemotherapy, for medical terminations and a few other uses too. It's recommended not to get pregnant when on it, even if it's the man that's on it :brat:

    My problem is that my OH refuses to even consider coming off the drug. He has to come off it for 6 months minimum to get the drug out of his system before we TTC as it can cause all sorts of nasty effects like birth defects and spontaneous abortion :sad2:. Although I've read some reports that the drug has no effect on pregnancy if it is the man on the drug :wacko:

    What's bothering me is that this week he has had some really bad symptoms which they think is possibly related to the drug, so he has to come off it for a few weeks.

    The thing is he wont even entertain the possibility of coming off it now so that we can start planning for TTC, as if he comes off the drug now we can save up and move in together by the end of the 6 months and can then TTC.

    Am I being selfish that I'm angry with him for not doing it? There are a few alternatives to taking the drug which wont affect his :spermy: so we can TTC :cry: He wont even DISCUSS with me how I feel about it. I don't understand how, if he wont think about coming off the drug now, things will miraculously change in a year so he can come off it for our planned TTC date :wacko:
     
  2. almostXmagic

    almostXmagic in love & wtt :)

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    perhaps he doesnt want to come off it yet because he isnt quite ready to TTC? i dont think its selfish that you want him to come off the drug. i think its a normal feeling. but sadly it is his choice whether he comes off the drug or not. see if you can get him to sit down with you and have a conversation about it. :hugs: gl hun.
     
  3. everdreaming

    everdreaming Guest

    :hugs: thanks. I just don't understand how in one breath he can go on and on and on about how much he loves his baby niece and nephew and talk constantly about them, but doesn't even give my baby dreams the time of day :(
     
  4. odd_socks

    odd_socks Long Term WTT

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    :hugs: i dont think u are being selfish no, i think he should at least discuss it with all and then u can both look at ALL the options together :hugs:
     
  5. puppymom

    puppymom cautiously pregnant...

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    But from what it sounds like, you have a TTC date in a year and 8 months, give or take a bit, right? So perhaps he's not quite ready yet, and because he isn't ready yet, doesn't see a point in coming off it right now. Maybe he's worried about his arthritis being unbearable, so doesn't want to be off it for longer than he needs to be. Even if he came off it in a year, it still gives 8 months to get it out of his system, right? I wouldn't worry too much yet - many things can change in that amount of time, and if he's got TTC in mind for over a year and a half away, there's nothing to say he won't be ready to properly prepare then.
     
  6. everdreaming

    everdreaming Guest

    Thanks, you're right. I need to try and think more logically about the situation..

    I guess for me things haven't changed for years about what I want, and I find it hard to understand how other people can change that. With regards to children I mean.

    I need a LOT more patience too..
     
  7. almostXmagic

    almostXmagic in love & wtt :)

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    he sounds a lot like my OH. my OH LOVES kids, he constantly comes with me to watch our friends kids and he loves spending time and talking about his little cousins. he even came with me to meet my friends brand new baby in the hospital, he held him and was saying how great of parents we will make someday. at the same time, he has told me he doesnt want kids until we are married (to which i agree, i dont want them until after marriage either). i think what it boils down to is he loves kids, he just isnt ready for one of his own yet.
     
  8. everdreaming

    everdreaming Guest

    I agree with you almostxmagic. That's what my OH seems like.

    Turns out the medication isn't doing him any harm (Other than the 'normal side effects') so he's starting back on it on Saturday :cry:

    I tried to talk to him about it today, we've both had a rough week on placement (we're both student nurses) with death and he works in gynae so he's seen a few miscariages and I thought that might make him see how much he really wants children. But no such luck :brat: I guess I just don't understand how he can love them and not be ready when I've been ready for so long :dohh:
     
  9. Smile181c

    Smile181c Mummy to 3!

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    I wonder this myself all the time. You just have to take a step back (as hard as it sounds) and think just because we've always wanted a family, not everyone is in that place at the same time kwim?

    I'm not very good at advice (as you can tell) but I'd say drop the subject for a while, and maybe bring it up again closer to your TTC date? I know when I'm quiet about the subject of babies for a while, OH seems more open to a conversation everyso often...xx
     
  10. everdreaming

    everdreaming Guest

    Thanks smile181c. That IS good advice!! As hard as it is to accept, other people don't think quite as much as we do about having children. :cry:

    I would bring it up closer to a TTC date, but that's currently non existant :sad2: he says different things about it everyday so it seems to have disappeared. Sigh.

    I try and keep it to an every so often conversation, but it doesn't seem to work out as he is always talking about his baby niece and nephew. Always. xxx
     
  11. Tigerlily01

    Tigerlily01 Well-Known Member

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  12. everdreaming

    everdreaming Guest

    Thanks Tigerlily01. I'm a terror for not looking at things from his perspective.

    I've tried talking to him about alternatives, and I have even researched them for him to show him reports of them working and how they will do his overall health better than what he's on now, but still no such luck. Even his consultant said to just stop the one he's on straight away so we can TTC before the damage becomes irreparable and to start experimenting with alternatives as soon as possible.

    I've always intended on adopting and fostering children, but I don't know if I could sacrifice having at least one of my own. Being pregnant and giving birth is not a dream I could give up lightly, and I have explained this to OH right from the start of our relationship. Donor sperm maybe, but certainly not giving up my own chance to give birth (unless of course I'm completely infertile or something, but while it's still an option I'm not letting go). I know that's selfish but it's just the way I've grown up I guess.

    I'm sorry you're on long term pain medication too :hugs:
     
  13. Tigerlily01

    Tigerlily01 Well-Known Member

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