Am I crazy? :(

[Jillie89]

I just started my synarel spray today in prep for a FET in March. I spent yesterday in tears and a complete emotional wreck. I am petrified (again) of it not working... and I am extremely lucky to have a child already! Am I crazy?!?! I vented to hubby who was a great support as usual. The pain of our previous cycles came gushing back and thinking about how much it is going to cost us to extend our family scares me. I feel guilty for wanting more children and us going into further debt when we have our daughter already. I feel selfish for wanting a family so many people can have for free. Shouldn't I be content to have just 1 child and count my blessings? I have had so many pregnancy announcements and friends having babies recently which I don't think has helped. Sorry for the vent.

 

[Mhankins]

Hello Jillie89!

You definitely aren't crazy. This road we all found our selves isn't an easy one. My hubby and I our trying for our first right now. I often find myself having some of the same thoughts your having. It is so hard to see so many people announcing their pregnancies. It seemed like for me, it was everyone I knew. But, we can't beat our selves up. We all deserve a the family we have dreamed of, we just have to fight a little harder. In the end, we will appreciate things more. I wish you the best and I hope you get your BFP soon for baby #2!

 

[Jillie89]

Thank you Mhankins!

Wishing you a BFP soon for your first bubba!

I get angry at myself because there are so many wonderful ladies on here still without children and here I am with a beautiful girl already and I still go through awful days when I 'should' just be content and happy with what I have. (I do love my little girl more than life itself and am so grateful we have her) But the guilt takes over.

I visited my friend at the hospital yesterday with her 3 day old girl and when we left, bumped into my OBGYN who looked after me so well in my pregnancy and when I had my little girl. He came over to say hello to us and gave me a huge hug (as I had one every visit with him at the start and end). I burst into tears as soon as I saw him. I want to be back there seeing him. Poor guy has seen me cry so many times.

 

[Mhankins]

Aw I am sure that was hard! I could see why you would feel guilty but you shouldn't! It is so hard wanting something so bad and not being able to have it. I hate feeling out of control with my life. I don't like having to trust others to get me pregnant lol.. Little background on our story.. My hubby had Leukemia twice as a teenager. We always knew there was a possibility that we would not be able to have biological children. For 2 1/2 years, I kept hoping a miracle was going to happen and I would be pregnant. Not the case, lol, we found out 7 months ago that there was no chance we could have biological children. After all the research and looking at our options we decided to use donor sperm. I struggle with guilt as well. I feel guilty that I want the experience for us both. Sometimes I feel like I am messing with faith and how things are supposed to be and that there are many children in need of homes. I would like to adopt down the road but I also want this experience for us as well. Sorry this is getting so long lol. But we shouldn't feel guilty. How we deal with it I am not so sure lol. We all have our good days and our bad days.

I had a positive ovulation kit yesterday and had bloodwork to comfirm it today and was expecting to have my IUI today. However, looking at the bloodwork the DR felt tomorrow morning would be better timing. I was a little bummed but at least we didn't miss it! I have mixed feelings about having it tomorrow but I have to learn to trust these doctors!


Sorry for the long post! I am sure it made no sense too hahaha
FX for you!

 

[Jillie89]

It all made perfect sense to me!

Very exciting that you have caught your ovulation. FX for you!!!

It is so hard to put faith in the drs and I feel the same about having extra people involved in making a baby. It seems 'unnatural' but it is just what we have to do. Those be the cards we have been dealt. Unless people have to go through it they don't completely understand.

I go to my mothers group and I still feel like the odd one out. I am the youngest one there, only one to have had an IVF baby, only one to have had fertility issues, and one of the only ones to have had a pre-term tiny baby. I always wonder if I will ever feel normal about this journey.

I have already told my daughter and will keep telling her 'the story of her and her 4 fathers.'

1) Bio dad (my hubby)
2) FS (who took my eggs and put her back in as am ebryo)
3) Embryologist (who made her and grew her for 5 days, froze her and defrosted her)
4) OBGYN (who looked after her in mummy's tummy and delivered her)

 

[Mhankins]

Awe thats amazing, the four fathers. Even though your journey was different from the others doesn't mean you are any different. If anything you are stronger. You have went through so much to get your baby, something many people don't put much thought into. Have you looked into a local group of women who have been through infertility? It is always nice having people around you that understand how you feel. All of my family is really supportive but they don't exactly understand. Like my mother-in-law telling me I just need to wait. I don't like hearing it lol and I do my best to not explode. I am done waiting and wants this so badly for us lol. Even if you cant find a local group you can still chat with me. We can be crazies together lol.