Am I doing the right thing? - I feel bad

[OmarsMum]

Omar was a good sleeper, he used to self settle with no problems. But since he was 8 mnths it all changed. He fights sleep & naps & can go for 6-7 hrs eithout sleep.

It all started when my parents & brothers moved in in July.

For the past few days, I'm forcing him to sleep. I trap him with lots of pillows on our bed & restirct his movement. When he tries to escape, I hold him tight & he goes stiff & starts shouting at me. I hold him until he finally settles, then trap him again. I feel bad about doing so. He sleeps after 30-60 mins. I tried to follow his lead, but he's not showing any sleep cues & doesnt look tired throughout the day.

It's affecting our relationship. He doesnt want me anymore, there r another 6 adults at home, & he runs to anyone except me. He knows I'm there to take care of him. He would only come to me if he sees my laptop, his plate or when I'm dressed to go out. But other than that he's not interested. Even when we'r playing, he goes mad & starts shouting at me, wanting to go & play with his uncles, dad & grand dad.

When I try to put him in bed he calls for my mom. & once she comes to the room, he hugs & kisses her. I feel like the bad person among them. They'r all spoiling him. but I try to have some sort of control.

Ealier, when it was only me & DH, he was a perfect baby, but now he shouts in rage, gets angry & is really spoiled.

Am I over reacting? I dont know what to do.

 

[mandylou]

oh hun im sorry i dont have any advice really, have you tried speaking to the other members in your house? maybe try asking them not to spoil him? maybe they could suggest he goes to ask mummy when he wants something from them? i think it might help to tell them how you feel... big hugs hun it cant be a nice situation for you but im positive that he loves you! how long ago did they move in? could it just be the novelty of having new people to play with? xxx

p.s i have to hold max down to get him to sleep sometimes too, he shouts and screams at me, but then falls asleep.. im hoping its just a phase and he goes back to falling asleep on his own soon

 

[Baby France]

I think you need to talk to your family. He may have found everyone moving in to be unsettling? Talk to your family about boundaries and make sure you're all 'singing from same hymn sheet' IYKWIM?

Also IMO your mum coming in while your trying to settle him, however helpful she may be is just undermining your parenting of him if that makes sense? You need to feel confident in your parenting and becoming a mum and sometimes thats best done without the watchful and sometimes judgemental (my mum is!!) eyes of family!

I didn't want to read and run...what does your OH think?

 

[StillWaiting]

I think you need to talk to your family. He may have found everyone moving in to be unsettling? Talk to your family about boundaries and make sure you're all 'singing from same hymn sheet' IYKWIM?

Also IMO your mum coming in while your trying to settle him, however helpful she may be is just undermining your parenting of him if that makes sense? You need to feel confident in your parenting and becoming a mum and sometimes thats best done without the watchful and sometimes judgemental (my mum is!!) eyes of family!

I didn't want to read and run...what does your OH think?

I'm with you Baby France. It's time to call a family meeting. You and your OH are the parents. Grandparents have a natural tendency to want to spoil their grandchildren. That would be fine, if he wasn't around them 24/7. Children, have a tendency to push buttons. They're smarter than we give them. They know that if they don't get their way with one, they will go to another. You have to work together.

As for the sleep thing. If he doesn't want to sleep, there isn't much you can do to make him. Anytime we have visitors, or my son is in unfamiliar surroundings, he has a tendency to stay up and play. A friend of mine has a little girl that could actually live on 6 hours sleep. Don't know how she made it through the toddler years. As long as he has "quiet time" in the day, he should be alright.

I have one suggestion to help you work things out with the family issue. See your pediatrician. Explain the situation and the sleep issue. Good doctors will back the Mom. Only you know what is truly best for your child. He/She may be able to offer some guidance in addressing your family, or be able to offer a counselor to assist. (They helped me through my ex-in-law issue. Luckily they didn't live with me, but it was enough.)

Sorry for the long winded response. Couldn't help but interject. Good luck!!

 

[Rhiannon]

could u maybe put him in a buggy or pram to sleep and strap him in so he cant get out? maybe that would be less stressfull for you other than having to hold him down?

sorry i havent got any other advice for you hun, it must be hard for you when omar goes to others xx

 

[flower01]

does he not sleep in his cot for a nap hun?
Just recently we started a new routine with Willow as she only ever used to have a nap in the bean bag! We decided it was time for the cot (she always slept in the cot at night) and that she needs to go to bed earlier too. The first day was hard, she didnt want to nap in the cot and cried for 40 mins before finally sleepin.
After 3 days of putting her down she now takes about 10 mins to go off, we just leave her and she settles herself.

I agree with the other ladies, talk to your family.its probably the novelty of having all these adults to play with too that is disturbing him.

Dont take it to heart hun, its not you, hes at a picky age too, believe me i know it! lol!

xxxx

 

[Serene123]

I think it's terrible that you hold your baby down to get him to sleep. That's absolutely terrible. His sleeping will not get better if he is scared of it!

 

[jenny82]

We went through a hell-ish time a few weeks ago with this type of thing, but thankfully now its calmed down. It could be just a phase as he is trying to push boundaries!

Like flower01, we've started C napping in his cot in the mornings and its amazing! He sleeps for over 90minutes now and is a happier baby when he wakens. When he is going down for his nap and the same at bedtime, I set him on his bum in the cot and surround him with teddies and toys. I let him chill out and play with them for about ten minutes then come back and remove the hard toys, lay him on his back and say 'sleepytime sleepytime'. Most cases, he rolls around for a few minutes, then falls asleep! Its amazing - he never did that before!!

At the start, I had to rock him to sleep but now he knows whats going on, he settles himself.

I realised when we started doing this that I stood over him too much and touched him too much when he was trying to go to sleep, and I think it was disturbing him. Now, I lay him down and get out of the room as fast as I can!

Like the other ladies, I think you need to speak to your mum. I don't know how you do it - there is no way I could have my brother and parents staying at my house, we would've killed each other by now!

ETA: my Lo doesn't really show sleep cues either. The only clue is that he gets little dimples below his eyes. That, and I follow a 2-3 hour rule so I know when it'll be nearing sleepy time.

 

[New2Bumps]

Horrible situation. Definatley speak to the other ppl in your house to get them all on board. I think that holding him down to sleep as a permanant strategy (rather than a one off) is going to make things worse in the long run. Anything that's affecting your relationship in the way this is is not worth it. Try putting him down in his cot. Controlled crying is going to be much less stressful for him than physically holiding him down hun Good luck x

 

[aimee-lou]

I would follow his lead firt of all - it may be that he simply doesn't need a nap (perfectly reasonable that he will only need a certain amount of sleep). If he's tired then maybe take him for a walk or let him snooze in his cot with plenty of comfy things around him.

I hate to say it but scaring the poor thing isn't going to convince him to sleep any better. The occasional over-tired tantrum is one thing, but every time is not going to lead to a good relationship.

Second, speak to your family and tell them what Omar's routine is, when, where, and what he does. You're his mum and you should be listened to. I live with hubby, MIL and FIL at the moment and it's very clear that hubby and I are in charge when it comes to Earl. Lay down the law!

Next, if you're adamant he needs sleep (he's overtired and frightful) then try to let him have a wind-down in his cot. Leave him for 2 mins at a time or something like that to just wind down. I only ever leave Earl for up to 6 mins, and if after 3 attempts he's still not asleep, I give up for about 20 mins then try again. That we we're not getting each other wound up.

Lastly, try not to worry too much about what he 'should' do. He's an individual, and at his age is starting to develop his own personality. Let him find out who he is, within a few boundaries, and life should become a bit more peaceful. Flexibility is something that babies need, as much as structure.

Hope you're ok hun!

 

[Sam9kids]

I think it's terrible that you hold your baby down to get him to sleep. That's absolutely terrible. His sleeping will not get better if he is scared of it!

Really not helpful at all! Why not offer advice (like shes asking for) rather than just be nasty



Hun i feel for you i really do. I agree with the others, call a family meeting. The pram idea isnt ideal but may be worth a try if all else fails xxxx

 

[Serene123]

My advice would be not to hold him down to get him to sleep?

Maybe stories? Cuddles? Going for a walk?

 

[special_kala]

I dont think holding him down and making him sleep will really help long term, it could cause him having real issues with sleep.

My sister dropped her daytime sleeps at 6 months, she just didnt have them at all. Maybe Omar is similiar.

Also has this suddenly started after he has started crawling/standing up because River went through a horrible phase of not sleeping as she just wanted to stand up. We just went in and layed her back down and if she cried took her out of her cot and tried again later.

Your family really need to get on board, its your house and your baby so your rules.

It wont help that when your trying to do what you feel is best for him and then your mum comes in and comforts him. That isnt right.

 

[Buffy71]

I've got nothing useful I'm afraid but xx

 

[OmarsMum]

Thanks ladies for the suggestions. He wont sleep in his pram, he gets over excited. I cant take him for a walk it's too hot & humid. He naps & sleeps in his cot since day 1 & I always followed the 2 hrs rule & it was working perfectly until he was 8 mnths. I already spoke to my family, they werent so convinced, but didnt argue. I dont scare him when I put him in bed, I give him lots of cuddles, kisses & I sing for him once I control him. Maybe he had lots of sleep when he was younger & he doesnt need more to sleep, he still gets 10 hrs night sleep & around 2-3 hrs during naps. His Dr. was travelling, I gues I need to visit & have a talk with him for sleep suggestions. My dad used to take him swimming everyday, but the pool was close for the past mnth. It's open now, & dad will take him swimming tonight. Hopefully it will help him sleep as it always worked. We'r fasting those days, & we'r staying up until morning so I guess it's also affecting his night sleep as he can sense everyone is still awake when he's sleeping & this is why he's fighting sleep. Another 5 days, & we will back to our old routine & eveyone wil be in bed at around 11 pm, hopefully it would help. Weather here is horrible during summer, in october it starts to get better & I'm planning to wake him early & involve him in more activities outdoor. I will follow his lead until he settles, I already started today, he had 1 nap for 1.5 hr which is not bad. Will see how it goes tonight after he goes swimming.

Thanks again for all ur suggestions & support

 

[LdS39]

Hun Adam has started to fight his daytime naps as well big time. He usually has a 2 hr nap in the afternoon but lately he just isnt interested and fights me. I lay him down and he just sits straight up - and we have this again and again, until he starts yelling.
So I just take him away from the bedroom and bring him back downstairs to his pen. He seems to be ok. He just doesnt seem to be interested in that nap time anymore.

I think there is something in the theory that during the time where theyre learning to crawl / stand this seems to be a problem for some babies.
So hang in there it can only get better!!

 

[xolily]

let me just say Laila is EXACTLY the same.. she's still sleeping through but the tantrums she throws when she doesn't get what she wants are unreal.. she shouts, screams, "fake cries" and is a right nanna's girl.. she will actually break her heart if i take her from my mam x

 

[aimee-lou]

Ah ha! I think I see where the issue is.

The 2 hour rule really only works for newborns. I was doing a bit of research as Earl's sleep had changed and 6-12 month olds should be having 2 naps a day totalling abour 2-3 hours. They usually follow a 2-3-4hour awake pattern between the naps. Anytime after about 10ish months they may start to drop down to 1 nap (Earl sometimes just has 1 nowadays).

I think you should carry on following his lead and see how he wants to play it. It may be that your change in routine has upset him and you may notice a change for the better when you get back to normal, but listen to him. He's growing up, that's all. It can be difficult to adjust if something has worked so well in the past, but you'll soon settle back down.

 

[Claire788]

I think it's terrible that you hold your baby down to get him to sleep. That's absolutely terrible. His sleeping will not get better if he is scared of it!

Very much dont agree with above. At the moment I have to hold my LO down to sleep, I dont pin him down by his arms and his legs forcibly, which is hardly I suspect what OP does either. (edit) kisses and cuddles above post.

At the moment my LO is hell bent on standing up in his cot, which is useless, as regardless of whether he's wide awake or dead tired, he'll stand, which usually involves him falling and hitting his head. I hook my finger in his belt loop (days) and hold onto the side of his grow bag (nights) so he cant roll to crawling and get up. Guaranteed within 5-6 mins he's fast asleep..

Its that or let him stand, and crack his head over and over, as he hasnt figured out how to sit down.. which is not what I'm prepared to do!

OP, I'd def go for a family meeting idea too, *HUGS*

 

[OmarsMum]

Ah ha! I think I see where the issue is.

The 2 hour rule really only works for newborns. I was doing a bit of research as Earl's sleep had changed and 6-12 month olds should be having 2 naps a day totalling abour 2-3 hours. They usually follow a 2-3-4hour awake pattern between the naps. Anytime after about 10ish months they may start to drop down to 1 nap (Earl sometimes just has 1 nowadays).

I think you should carry on following his lead and see how he wants to play it. It may be that your change in routine has upset him and you may notice a change for the better when you get back to normal, but listen to him. He's growing up, that's all. It can be difficult to adjust if something has worked so well in the past, but you'll soon settle back down.

Thanks aimee-lou. He's sooo active & hyper those days. He cant get enough of crawling, standing up & trying to walk. He's talking & using words to express himself which is amazing. He doesnt cry at all, but I was feeling bad for him as I thought he's getting tired frm the lack of sleep. Will follow his lead- this is what I did tonight. He self settled but at 1:30 am. Hoepfully when we'r back into routine he will sleep earlier. I dont think he will wake up before 12 om tom