am I horrible?

Discussion in 'Pregnancy Club' started by ladyjayne, Apr 23, 2009.

  1. ladyjayne

    ladyjayne Well-Known Member

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    Ok so OH already has a little girl who I love dearly, she is adorable and very sweet, if not a little demon sometimes (but arnt all kids) she lives with her mother and we see her one weekend a month and as much as we can on school holidays but she lives a long way from us and her mum wasnt to keen on her being so far away for long periods, so we've only had her for the longest 2 weeks straight down here so far. We had a chat a while ago about her coming to see me the day baby was born and I wasn't to keen tbh coz it would have ment my OH leaving me and bubs to go get her, and I just wanted to bond with hubby and baby, as this is my first. Anyway we resolved that by his brother bringing her down so that she gets to be a part of it too, which i want coz she's part of my family too. Im not keen though on the idea of having two men to look after a newborn and a 5 year old when I come home from the hospital.:dohh: Anyway I decided I'll find someway to cope for a few days and then settle and learn how to be mummy properly afters. But today OH has gone and and agreed with her mum to have her for a whole month just after baby. I dont know how to feel. Most people that have two kids already know what there doing, they did it with there first! I tried to talk to OH who just made me feel awfl my shouting at me and telling me that she's part of the family too. I just feel awful and I dont know what to do. Im already scared and unsure of how I'll cope with a newborn let alone me baby a 5 year old and a puppy while he's at work??? :cry: Btw I'm only 20! I just thought everything would be calm until I was ready for it all.
    I dont even know if that makes any sence .... sorry I just needed to get it off my chest.:blush:
     
  2. soon2b6

    soon2b6 Mum to 6

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    Does your partner get time off when baby is born? It might be worth trying to get him to organise that whole month away (or mostly away) from work. Maybe explain what you have explained here, you love his daughter but need to get to know how to do the mum thing before extra pressures are placed on you, not to mention that his daughter may experience sibling rivalry which can be ugly. I can understand why you feel the way you do and I would be after your partner shouldering some of the responsibility if it were me.
     
  3. mrso

    mrso Lovin my Family

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    WOW... I can understand how you feel. That is definetely a time for you to bond with OH and baby. Is Oh going to be home any time after you come home? That would really help transition into things especially if his daughter is going to be there. Luckly the daughter is old enough to a lot of things for herself. She will be very helpful, I would bet.

    I cant say that I would be thrilled about the situation either. I found it very difficult to know what to expect during my first pregnancy. Although I think it is importnat to take into consideration your partners feeling and thoughts, a new baby can be hard. You are going to be tired after giving birth and you may have many sleepless nights. I think it is unfair for him to expect you to stay away awake and basically take on 2 children. When I had my first I slept when he did. If you have more then 1 kid then you probably will be unable to do that.

    Depending on when you are due and the daughters school schedule... you could ask OH if she could be there for the first week and then after things calmed down to bring her back for a month. It sounds like it is very important to OH for his daughter to be there during the birth so I would respect that. I would try to talk with him calmly and see if you can work things out.
     
  4. Jkelmum

    Jkelmum Well-Known Member

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    Thats a lot to expect from you .....Is your hubby havin anytime off after the birth ? Maybe she could come for a wk ....or wait a few wks get into a routine b4 she comes ? i dont know it must be hard xxx
     
  5. shaunanicole

    shaunanicole Guest

    I understand what you are saying completely but I think it would be good for his daughter to be there during the bonding time as well. After all it is also her father and this new baby is her sibling as well. I understand that you are 20 and having a new baby AND a five year old to look after is going to be hard but you signed up for that train when you decided to be with your OH. I hope I don't sound like I am being mean about this but it is extremely important his daughter is involved in the arrival of the baby as well. You never know it may bring you and her closer and form a really strong bond between her and the newborn baby.

    You OH getting mad and yelling at you about this is just him trying to get you to understand that you and the baby are his family but his daughter is included in that. This may be a really rough time for his daughter, five years old or not, she still has emotions toward the situation. Try and place yourself in her position. When you were a child how would you of felt if your daddy had a new baby with a new woman and didn't include you in the initial bonding. Anyways, best of luck hun. I hope you get this all sorted out. :hugs:
     
  6. TigerLady

    TigerLady CaveTiger Clan Mama

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    I tend to agree with you -- it is a lot to ask you to handle! If you were used to having her for longer periods, that would be different. But young kids are often unpredictable in how they will react to an infant. If his daughter doesn't already see you as an authority figure and someone she must listen to and mind, then you could be in for trouble. You need to be able to ask/tell her something and expect her to mind. You will have enough to handle with the baby.

    If your hubby can't stay at home with you full time for at least the first week or two, I would try to get him to have his daughter visit for an extended period after the baby is already a month old or so. Have her there for the birth for a day or so, then have her back after you get a handle on being a new mom.
     
  7. Kiree

    Kiree proud mammy of 2 boys

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    i think thats a lot to take on. i can totally understand including the daughter and i think thats really important- but a whole month when you're just finding your feet would be so hard (in my opinion)

    good luck i hope you get something sorted x
     
  8. cinnamongirl

    cinnamongirl Guest

    Aww hun! I totally feel for you! I'm in a similar situation, and it is tough! I agree with the other gals that perhaps a whole month is a bit long, considering the longest you've had her before was 2 weeks...and then add a new baby?! I would jump out a window if I had OH's 2 children for a month and a newborn (and I'm a first time mommy too).

    I find that it is very trying at the best of times with them and our young dog, etc...so I can only imagine what it will be like once LO arrives.

    My advice would be to talk to OH and explain your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do, and as important as it is for him to have his daughter involved and bonding, you still need time to adjust also. Adding the extra stress is not going to be good for anyone! If he insists on having her for the whole month, then you could suggest he take some time off of work to help out (if he isn't already)...after all, she is his daughter, and you'll have your hands full enough!

    I hope it works out for you! :hug:
     
  9. Seraphim

    Seraphim Amazing Baby Girl

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    Alot of good advice, put more clearly than I could manage ;)

    It does sound like your OH feels very emotional about this issue. And it's nice that uncle is collecting the little one, so you and OH can be together.

    For me it would hinge on how much time OH will be at home after the birth, because otherwise he's making decisions on your behalf, about how your time is committed.

    I would also suggest to him, that if he is planning on being at work, your 5 yr old may get very bored while you're looking after bubs. Are you planning on breast feeding? From what I can gather, that takes up alot of time in the early stages, as well as your hands :) The 'advice' is to sleep when bubs sleeps... we all know this usually means doing laundry or other things, but how is the 5 yr old going to fit into these sorts of things? Lots of people send their older children to gran and gramps when a new baby arrives ;)

    It sounds a bit crazy to have the little one stay for the longest time she's ever stayed, right after you've given birth. And putting yourself in her shoes... I'm not sure she'd like it for a whole month either. I missed my dad when I was little like her - but it was my daddy I missed, not stay at his house. If he's not going to be there, then an extended stay doesn't necessarily have an extended benefit.

    You're not horrible. And neither is your hubby by the sounds of it. It's nice he's thinking about his daughter. And it's great uncle is picking her up. But if he can get past his discomfort about the situation, you might reach the best solution for eveyone.

    Good luck hon, I'm sure you'll figure it out :hug:
     
  10. Wombat

    Wombat Married mum of 2:)

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    You are not horrbile!

    I don't know if you can change anything now about your OH's girl coming for the whole month, but if there is any hope I would postpone it.

    My experience having a newborn is a difficult time. Very very difficult. Both you and your OH are going to be tired all the time. Feeding (doesn't matter breastfeeding or bottle feeding, but with breastfeeding it is more difficult) takes a lot of time and energy. Sleepless nights (and believe me, you gonna get your lot) can turn any person into a nightmare.
    Don't forget there is also a sibling jealosy (and again, your OH's girl will be going through it).
    Basically I think it is going to be the hardest time for you ever. For your OH as well. It is great that you both want to involve his girl into your family life, but straight after the birth of your baby is not the right time. I don't want to scare you, but mother's bonding with her baby sometimes doesn't happen straight away. It is something which needs to be nurtured... And with another child in the house (especially if she isn't you own blood) it might be even trickier.

    :hug:
     
  11. lindypops

    lindypops Lin, Si and Eve

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    Do you speak to her mum at all? If you do, could it be worth talking to her about it, as she may remember what it was like and understand that a month is too long?
     
  12. ladyjayne

    ladyjayne Well-Known Member

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    Hey all,
    thanks for the helpfull advice. I had a chat with him and I think he understands more now. Shes going to come down for a few days after baby go back to her mum and come down again in august for the month (when he should be off work) so we can all spend time together and bond as a family.:happydance: I feel much happier knowing that after a month i should have found my feet a bit and be able to cope with a bit more.:blush:
     
  13. Duffy

    Duffy Well-Known Member

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    Thats a great meet in the middle! Its not fair on you for the orignal situation, I'm happy to see it worked out now! It will be so much funer for his little girl when your more on your feet/feeling better after giving birth hope she has a blast meeting her new sibling!
     
  14. cinnamongirl

    cinnamongirl Guest

    Oh, that's great news!

    I agree with Duffy. Your OH's daughter will definately enjoy her visit much more, and so will you!
     
  15. Seraphim

    Seraphim Amazing Baby Girl

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    I'm really pleased for you hon :)
    You'll have a fab time :happydance:
     
  16. Wombat

    Wombat Married mum of 2:)

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    I am glad that everything turned out better for you:hug: That first idea of your OH's was just crazyyyy :hug:
     
  17. NickyT75

    NickyT75 RIP Sophie my angel

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    Thats great news hunni :yipee:

    im so glad you have managed to sort this out between you :) xx
     
  18. babystar

    babystar Guest

    :hugs: i don't have any comment on the situation tbh everything has pretty much been said by everyone else. Just wanted to give you a hug :)
     
  19. NoSpringChick

    NoSpringChick Well-Known Member

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    Personalyl i wouldnt be happy about it. It's you who it seems will be doing all the looking after but other people who made all the plans.
    That's just not fair.
    You need to have your say - and I think make the rules.

    Unless he an take a month off work then I would have to say no, sorry it's not on.
    If he can get 2 weeks off, fair enough have her for 2 weeks -but you're not even used to having one little person to look after never mind 2.

    I am actually surprised the mother agreed to it, she must have known what it was like having a first baby, and I bet she wouldnt have automatically agreed to look after another child by herself and be a first time mother herself.

    Not saying dont include his dughter, but a month on your own is far too long - I think it would cause you to be so tired and I bet arguments would start.
     
  20. Lazy Leo

    Lazy Leo Well-Known Member

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    Phew, glad you came to a compromise hun as that had my heart racing. I don't know how her mum could have even considered agreeing to send her to you for a month when you have just had a baby. Both for your sake and her daughters.

    really glad you got it sorted :hug::hug:
     

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