Am I over reacting???

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by wishandwant, Jan 25, 2011.

  1. wishandwant

    wishandwant Well-Known Member

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    I need your help ladies, and please tell me if im being stupid. If you'd read my previous posts you'd know ive recently had an ectopic pregnancy. It was just over a wk ago and was quite serious, i had to stay in hospital 4 days as i lost between 1 and 1.5 litres of blood as well as my baby :cry:

    well my OH who usually is quite good was with me most of the time, but on my last day I had to make a few tough decisions i.e what to do with the remains and if I wanted councelling. My OH was there and he knew how upset I got.

    Well early evening he said he was going to nip home and grab a few things then come back. just before he left he said he was also going out for dinner with a mutual friend of ours (male). i didnt mind this because the food wasnt great but i was a little annoyed he'd been arranging it all day without telling me.

    It takes about 50 mins to get from the hospital i was at to home and after about 2hrs he said he'd be back in another 4hrs!! At that point I was a little annoyed and asked what was going to take that long and he said he was going to go to the cinema.

    Am i being silly getting annoyed at that? he was feeling ok to go have fun while i was stuck in hospital alone? he got to go out have a nice dinner and have fun by going to the cinema whilst i had to sit on my own?

    its really getting to me! sorry fot the essay!
     
  2. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    I would think he'd recognize he should be with you......I understand the dinner, and I think that was probably helpful to him. But the movie, while you're still in the hospital, seems too much and insensitive to you. That just seems wrong. I'm sorry for what you are going through and I hope you can speak with your OH about this in a way that he is open to so that he can see how he (inadvertently perhaps) made you feel and doesn't do it again.
     
  3. wishandwant

    wishandwant Well-Known Member

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    thats what i think, i said to him about it breifly and he doesnt think he did anything wrong. going for dinner i can understand but im finding it difficult to agree with the cinema xx
     
  4. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    it's just odd that he'd even THINK about wanting to go the cinema right now (alone or with his friend? either way, odd). sorry he's not able to see the insensitivity of it :hugs:
     
  5. xSamanthax

    xSamanthax DD1, DS1 and 1 Angel

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    Awww hun sorry you had to go through all that :hugs:

    I don't think you are over reacting at all, i would be so mad if it was me.
     
  6. hollyrose

    hollyrose Well-Known Member

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    i'm sorry for your loss. i would be so annoyed if my oh had done that to me!
    but men deal with things differently. at the end of the day it was you who had to handle the miscarriage pyhsically so it's definitely more real to you. sometimes i think men just don't get it! does he understand how hurt he made you feel?
    it can be very lonely after a miscarriage and especially being in hospital. i'm sure you just wanted him with you. i hope you can talk through it with him.
     
  7. wishandwant

    wishandwant Well-Known Member

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    I brought it up again last night because it's really getting to me! Well I actually had to bring it up twice as the first time he ignored it!! The second time I asked him did he even care I lost the baby as if he did how could he not talk to me about it ( he'll listen when I talk about it but won't actually talk or bring it up himself) and how could he leave me alone in the hospital by myself while he went to the cinema! His response-no I don't care in a sarcastic tone!! He was trying to imply he cared I see that but I said to him if you don't talk or show you care then I'm going to think you don't care, is that what you want? He said nothing!

    I'm so upset and annoyed right now I can't believe he's acting like this! And to top it off he's been telling his family that I was pregnant after I'd specifically told him not too!

    I've told my mum and sister and said he could tell his mum but know one else! This is partially because I'm so private but also because we live in a small community and once one person knows everyone will know. He knows this would upset me but still did it!

    I don't know what to do!
     
  8. catcatcat

    catcatcat Well-Known Member

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    Thats awful for you, I had a mc in dec and found everyone in my life did something they shouldnt have but my fiance was the worst - he said it was my own fault it happened for trying to "buck the system" in other words try to get pregnant by planning around ovulation instead of just getting on with things and waiting for fate to take place. Which to me meant he didnt give a ****. weve already got 2 kids and basically the emotions dont kick in for men until they see the baby when its born. Maybe your partner doesnt know how to deal with your grief and has his head in the sand as a way of coping. Ie the opposite to you. Give it time. I also found my hormones must have taken a massive dip as I was so upset I told my fiance to pack his bags and get out !!! luckily he didnt and has had to appologise and walk on egg shells ever since. Its a right nightmare baby making is. Good luck and sorry for your ordeal.
     
  9. LaaLaa

    LaaLaa Well-Known Member

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    You're not overreacting at all. His priorities are all wrong and that needs addressing - there's no way you should have been left alone and upset.
     
  10. baileykenz

    baileykenz Well-Known Member

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    ohh hun i feel for u..
    def not over the top you should be going through this together even though hes not physically going througfh it, he should be there for you regardless x
     
  11. wishandwant

    wishandwant Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your help, in the back of my mind I was worried I was completely over reacting at not seeing things from his point, but Im glad you all feel the same as me!

    xx
     
  12. croydongirl

    croydongirl Well-Known Member

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    You are not overreacting but it sounds like he is trying not to let himself really think about what happened. Guys process this kind of loss in a different way than us. It sucks and it is not ok that he left you but I am sure it was not because he didn't care, but just that he was trying not tho think about what happened.
    So sorry for your loss. Hoping you and hubby can have some sweet times together and heal. It takes time, but love each other well and you will get through it.
     
  13. aviolet

    aviolet Mommy of 1 angel

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    the thing about guys is they don't like to talk about it because they want to be strong for you and also they aren't always open with their feelings - sometimes just listening to you and letting you cry on their shoulder is their way. as long as he doesn't ignore you when you come to him to talk about it, or as long as he never makes you feel like it's something he doesn't care about, then you can trust he cares. it's still stupid he went to the cinema, but i hope he's there for you to lean on and now he knows he can talk to you too if he wants to.
     

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