annoyed and upset - but should I be???

[stephj25]

Ok, basically every now and then I put something on facebook about my baby and how i'm feeling and how she's developing...

This one girl (my brother's ex) keeps commenting every time about the little girl that she lost at 25 weeks. At first I really felt for her and was comforting to her, replying with lots of hugs and saying I can't imagine how she feels etc.

The thing is, now I'm 25 weeks, it automatically updates this app I have with baby progress on facebook. The first comment I get is that she lost her girl at 25 weeks and that I should be careful, you might feel ok now but something bad could happen. etc.

So...is it wrong that I am annoyed and upset? I am now really scared that something is going to happen and all my sympathy towards her seems to have gone out of the window. I know that she lost her baby but should she really be passing her hurt onto others like that??

 

[Sunshine12]

I have never experienced a loss but can only imagine that it consumes you and when someone talks about babies it makes you remember things about your pregnancy etc. I dont think you should be annoyed by her comments as thats how she is dealing with her loss but I do think that, to take account of her feelings (and yours), you should either block her from receiving these updates or reduce the frequency. Should you be annoyed- IMO, No. x

p.s Its likely that she is thinking she is doing you a favour although clearly she is upsetting you which is why, for your sake too, you should block her. x

 

[Tigerlilyb]

Maybe she feels like she's genuinely looking out for you and making sure you understand that things could go wrong and what to look out for, but I completely understand where you're coming from.

It's not quite the same but my Mum has quite a nasty hereditary disease, and she is always telling me what to look out for, the symptoms etc, and how much I take after her and that I should be careful etc. But the constant talking about it makes me feel more as if she's wishing it on me, like she knows I WILL get it, and it drives me mental! I hate it, I'm scared enough as it is, I see how much pain she is in every day and I do not need to be reminded. It sounds selfish, and it really does break my heart to see my Mum like this. I will always be her shoulder to cry on but it's bloody frightening to think the same could happen to me.

Bottom line is that you're already aware things could happen but it's not something anyone likes to think about. If it's upsetting you that much maybe you could have a quiet word? Thank her for the concern but explain how much it's frightening you. I'm sure most ladies in your shoes would feel the same.

 

[Jennifurball]

It is out of order really, especially when you were already aware of it. I understand she is probably still hurting and in some ways slightly resentful towards others who are at that stage and doing ok, but it really is not right to be putting that on your updates. Just delete them and try not to let it get to you. Does she have to be on your facebook if it is your brother's ex? If you don't want to delete her, you could block her from seeing your page at least. xx

 

[stephj25]

I guess I did write this on the spur of the moment when I was angry and upset, I've calmed down a bit now!!
I've always been sympathetic and can't imagine what it feels like for her.
I can't really block her because her and my brother are good friends and she hasn't really got that many friends so I sort of feel for her in many ways.
I just don't know what to say to her anymore. I don't want to have a quiet word because she may take it the wrong way. Actually after thinking about it, I may actually block her. Thank you for the comments ladies xx

 

[Sunshine12]

She wont know you have blocked her and Facebook have made so many changes that you could put it down to that if she questions it. I blocked my cousin the other week cause she wouldnt stop making stupid comments on my posts and she hasnt twigged!

 

[jessicatunnel]

I had a friend like this when I first announced I was pregnant on Facebook she kept writing stuff about her miscarriage and I felt the same as you. I know she is going through a hard time and is probably pretty resentful towards pregnant women but its also not right to kind of steal your light and frighten you. Don't worry, just because it happened to her doesn't mean it will happen to you! I feel for her, but hugs to you!

 

[Delish]

I can comment from both sides as I lost a baby at 36 weeks last year and am pregnant again now.
I can understand how it would be annoying to have someone constantly commenting something like that, and taking the attention from you to them - I would certainly never do this, it's not fair.
BUT. She will be hurting more than you will hopefully ever have to know. Every time I saw a baby's progress update on my FB it was like a knife through my heart. Tbh although I'm pregnant again now it still hurts me to see them because it's hard to see how others have lovely happy pregnancies without the fear.
So please, please be gentle on her.

What you can do without actually deleting her is block her from seeing certain status updates? That's what I'd do in your position. I used to wish a pregnant friend of mine would have the decency to do that for me!

 

[Maidenet]

I have had 4 losses.... and I would NEVER EVER post something like that?! Im sorry, I 100% understands how she feels, in the sense of when ppl posted about pregnancy I had a really hard time with it... But I wouldnt drag them down because of how I felt.
It would of made me angry, and id be tempted to hide her posts etc....

 

[jojo23]

hey hun! congrats on 25 weeks yay
i have lost a little girl at 22 weeks so i know how devastating it can be, but the thing is i would never ever say what she has said to you to any woman. pregnancy is scary enough and every pregnancy is different. it was so tragic what happened to her and i think its a little inconsiderate of her to be saying these things.

when i lost my little girl i had a friend pregnant at the same time and i was so genuinely happy that she went on to have a healthy little boy.
i think this girl might still be grieving which is understandable but facebook is an inappropriate place to be voicing these kinda things.

i would send her a message saying that although your sympathetic and can never imagine how she feels that you want to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and you feel a little uneasy with her comments! just remind her that you are so saddened by her loss and will always be thinking of her little angel but you really need to be focusing on positive things right now! but thank her for her conern.

hope the rest of your pregnancy is a breeze hun xxx

 

[baby_mama87]

I personally think it's out of order, whilst it must be awful for anyone who has experienced a loss I dont think it's right to make someone who is pregnant feel uneasy and cause worry for their baby. Maybe you could send her a private message to explain how you feel and that you are very sorry for her loss but don't want to be worried about your pregnancy

 

[stephj25]

thank you for all the comments - and from both sides too, it really helps to see both sides in perspective. xx

 

[Noelle610]

While I'm sure this woman is hurting and that her heart is in the right place, this is extremely innappropriate. It seems like she's grieving and doesn't have an outlet to express it. I think you should block her from your pregnancy status updates. Even if she questions it, you can just let her know that you felt your updates were causing her too much pain.

 

[EmzLouise]

I don't know how this girl must be feeling, but my best friend, who I am around alot and is basically my sister (I call her son my nephew) lost her first baby at 27 weeks. She is still completely devastated about it, doesn't really talk about it (she says she doesn't need to as that's all she did for the first year after losing him) but has been nothing but supportive through this pregnancy. She's never made comments, and can happily let me talk about it (she became pregnant around the same time as me aswell; she made the decision that although she would love to have another child, she just couldn't cope with it. The rest is history)

The fact she went through quite alot and can talk about my pregnancy is amazing, I don't know if I could ever be this strong. She's never made me feel like I should worry, fret over everything little thing. She's a wonderful woman, and I'm glad to have her in my life.

Your brothers ex seems to still be quite distraught over her loss, as she should be. People cope with loss and death in different ways - Some can move on enough to be able to see positives in themselves and other situations; others simply cannot. She is probably projecting advice she wishes she had while she was pregnant, as a way to not make you feel like she has. She clearly cares about you, but is doing it in a way you would prefer her not to. On a more cynical note (I by no means mean offense to her or anyone) she could be doing this for attention. She may be jealous of you, and in some way wants the same attention you're getting (I try to see the best in all people - I do however have a cynical side that I put across, I once again mean to offense because again, I don't know what it's like to be in this situation)

I do believe it is unfair for someone to be constantly negative to someones positivity. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, though. I'd either try and talk to her about it, or simply delete her. It depends on you.

Try not to worry or fret, enjoy your pregnancy and before you know it, you'll be holding your little one in your arms, getting them ready to take them home and begin their, and your, new life

 

[Noelle610]

I don't know how this girl must be feeling, but my best friend, who I am around alot and is basically my sister (I call her son my nephew) lost her first baby at 27 weeks. She is still completely devastated about it, doesn't really talk about it (she says she doesn't need to as that's all she did for the first year after losing him) but has been nothing but supportive through this pregnancy. She's never made comments, and can happily let me talk about it (she became pregnant around the same time as me aswell; she made the decision that although she would love to have another child, she just couldn't cope with it. The rest is history)

The fact she went through quite alot and can talk about my pregnancy is amazing, I don't know if I could ever be this strong. She's never made me feel like I should worry, fret over everything little thing. She's a wonderful woman, and I'm glad to have her in my life.

Your brothers ex seems to still be quite distraught over her loss, as she should be. People cope with loss and death in different ways - Some can move on enough to be able to see positives in themselves and other situations; others simply cannot. She is probably projecting advice she wishes she had while she was pregnant, as a way to not make you feel like she has. She clearly cares about you, but is doing it in a way you would prefer her not to. On a more cynical note (I by no means mean offense to her or anyone) she could be doing this for attention. She may be jealous of you, and in some way wants the same attention you're getting (I try to see the best in all people - I do however have a cynical side that I put across, I once again mean to offense because again, I don't know what it's like to be in this situation)

I do believe it is unfair for someone to be constantly negative to someones positivity. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, though. I'd either try and talk to her about it, or simply delete her. It depends on you.

Try not to worry or fret, enjoy your pregnancy and before you know it, you'll be holding your little one in your arms, getting them ready to take them home and begin their, and your, new life

I just want to say that your best friend sounds like an amazing woman. You're lucky to have each other!

 

[xAmiixLouisex]

I'd hide baby related posts from her. It's a tricky situation. I understand she's grieving but that doesn't make it right to put doom on your pregnancy. We all know it's still possible for such sad things to happen, but we don't need/want to be reminded of it so often.

 

[superfrizbee]

Send her a private message offering your sympathy and support, but say really nicely that you don't want her to post anything else like that. If she ever feels like she needs to talk, private messages are ok, but not in response to your posts. I bet other people who would want to like them or comment now feel like they can't.

 

[izzlesnizzle]

I had a friend on facebook too who has been TTC for 8 years and several failed IVF attempts. When i put that i was pregnant on my status update she kept putting her own status updates saying how unfair it is that its so easy for everyone else etc.

I dont normally put status updates, its the first one in years and everyone else was congratulating me, even my cousin who has just miscarried at 12 wks and must be going through hell and she said nothing about what shes going through just how brilliant my news is but this other girl just couldnt let it rest and every time i went on facebook she had put yet another status update about her pain and upset at other people being pregnant. I feel really bad for her, but unbeknown to her i had a miscarriage in the summer which was extremely disappointing and painful so its not all easy for everyone else like she seems to think.

I have just realised she has deleted me from her friends list now even though i hadnt responded to anything or put any further status updates. Its a funny old world!

 

[dizz]

You're going to get very little other than "you're pregnant - your right to do what you want" type posts in here really.

I've been there - I used to just quietly block and defriend anyone who announced a pregnancy - because when you're using stuff like automated apps, it does feel like constantly you're having, not so much your nose rubbed in it, but acid poured on an open wound. It's even worse when FB pops every photo back into your newsfeed when someone comments or likes it - I did request politely they added a photos into feed off button but got shouted down by mummies furious that someone might not want to see scan photos - there's a total lack of empathy from many to those who might find news hard and it's not very nice - hence me having to just defriend person after person - because at my worst I couldn't deal with reading someone complain about not being able to see a midwife that second, or that they'd been kicked all night - and I knew that if I kept them on there I would explode... and in case anyone thinks I'm exaggerating - the grief from my losses, coupled with the difficulties I have in concieving anyway drove me to the brink of suicide cos I just couldn't take the pain anymore. So yes I deleted people - and I'm sure some have done the same to me - that's just the way of the world.

The logical thing to do would be to set her into a group that doesn't get baby related stuff - but why the hell does anyone need an app to spam their entire friends list with baby related updates every week anyway? It's not as if it's included any independent thought into what's being written after the initial click to install - and it's just an annoyance. Personally written stuff yeah - but it does seem a little OTT to me.

For what it's worth - I've intentionally not put scan photos on my FB. I know I have friends on there who've had losses, ectopics and now have no tubes, or just miscarriages and are trying again. I've put stuff onto photobucket and put the links into my FB - but tried to minimize the unexpected baby stuff popping up and upsetting people... but having lived the other side of the equation - I'm very sensitive to people's feelings and wouldn't want to put anyone through more pain inadvertently.

 

[jojo23]

just wanted to add that even now being pregnant myself after a loss i still would never ever take away another womans happiness by thinkin that i deserve more attention than her just because ive lost a child.

getting pregnant is a miracle and an amazing time for any woman, and yes its very painful when it doesnt go to plan but why does that mean you cant shout it from the rooftops when you are pregnant!!!
tell the world and let your true friends be happy for you.... because as hurt and as heartbroken as i was when i lost Lily i was so ecstatic for any of my friends who got to go through this amazing journey!!!! and i know that many of my friends who have had a loss are now delighted for me to be pregnant and i know that anyone who feels the need to be jealous or get back at me can never judge my situation so i wouldnt judge anyone elses.

seriously can we not all be a little happier for each other and when/if the time ever comes that we need support though something as awful as miscarriage/stillbirth etc lets all hope we have the right friends there for us to get us through!!!!