Another year of dreaming has gone by and still no progress on getting husband to agree to join me in this dream. The original dream was to have my first child before I was 30 - oh well. Next dream was to be pregnant during my 30th year - erm rapidly running out of time for this one! The dream I am working on next is slightly more flexible - some time before I am 35!!!! Sometimes I wonder just who I annoyed in a previous life to be dealing with the cards I have been dealt in this one. I don't see how I could have done things differently! I studied hard, I fell in love, I got married in my early 20's, we got a house, we both work hard but he wants to delay having children. The man knows I have fertility issues. He knows I have PCOS and that I can go for months between periods. He has been to the hospital with me he knows that IVF is the only real way forward and still he refuses to make a decision - we are still too young apparently (we're nearly 31!). I have done everything the hospital told me to do to prepare for fertility treatment with tablets and then IVF in the hope hubby would see i am serious about this. I had to get my BMI below 30 - it is now 24. Unfortunately he declined to help me with the 'have sex every other day for 6 months' step!
The worst part is the delusional side of things. For various reasons we have a very very low sex relationship but that does not stop me from dreaming. For example my period is now nearly two months late. I know it is just PCOS but some stupid part of my brain is saying - there's a baby in there! It is a physical impossibility but the idiotic hope is there each long cycle.
Oh and please don't say just divorce him and move on! Apart from the baby and sex issues everything is pretty great between us. He just refuses to communicate about these important issues. I just don't know what to do. It does not feel healthy to be harboring dreams like this anymore. I have been through hours of counselling and I am about to start on more indepth psychotherapy. It doesn't help the pain and anger I feel when I see babies and pregnant women. The unfairness of it all is just breathtaking. If I knew 100% that I could not have a baby I think I could cope with it and move on. It is more the fact I have never even been allowed to 'try' to get pregnant that is destroying me. Even with PCOS my internal clock is frantically ringing and has made me stupidly broody for the last year or so. Something else that men just don't understand!
Also my newly married younger sister is planning on TTC later this year - I don't think I am strong enough to wish her well.
The worst part is the delusional side of things. For various reasons we have a very very low sex relationship but that does not stop me from dreaming. For example my period is now nearly two months late. I know it is just PCOS but some stupid part of my brain is saying - there's a baby in there! It is a physical impossibility but the idiotic hope is there each long cycle.
Oh and please don't say just divorce him and move on! Apart from the baby and sex issues everything is pretty great between us. He just refuses to communicate about these important issues. I just don't know what to do. It does not feel healthy to be harboring dreams like this anymore. I have been through hours of counselling and I am about to start on more indepth psychotherapy. It doesn't help the pain and anger I feel when I see babies and pregnant women. The unfairness of it all is just breathtaking. If I knew 100% that I could not have a baby I think I could cope with it and move on. It is more the fact I have never even been allowed to 'try' to get pregnant that is destroying me. Even with PCOS my internal clock is frantically ringing and has made me stupidly broody for the last year or so. Something else that men just don't understand!
Also my newly married younger sister is planning on TTC later this year - I don't think I am strong enough to wish her well.
