Antisocial introverts and doulas?

[MrsKChicago]

DH and I are both kind of antisocial and introverted. We considered hiring a doula, but based on our general preference for privacy, we though it probably wouldn't suit us. We're definitely agreed on not having anyone who isn't a medical professional in the room (no friends, no grandmas to be, etc), but doulas kind of skirt that line.

Our midwife asked about it yesterday, and really encouraged us to reconsider. I keep hearing how wonderful they are, how helpful they are in long first labors, how they'll be able to make recommendations based on experience when we're overwhelmed, how DH will need the support, and so on. It all makes a lot of sense, and I can squeeze one into the budget, but I'm still really unsure. Nobody ever distinguishes between general feedback and introvert feedback.

I'll probably ask about it at our birth class this weekend, but I was hoping for some less biased input. Any other homebodies hire a doula and love or hate it?

 

[ambertwogood]

Well, I haven't actually experienced the labor part yet, but me and SO are similar in you guys personalities. In the beginning of this pregnancy I scoffed at the very idea of having a doula BC we ( me) are so quiet and to ourselves. I enjoy privacy and aloneness. Lol. But now that my dad is getting closer and so is reffering to me as a 'ticking time bomb' lol, I have reconsidered and we have indeed hired one. And to be perfectly honest, we both feel much more confident approaching did and are actually really excited at the notion that someone will be there to help both of us along the way! I would go for it, but its a very personal decision. We lucked out and our doula just so happens to also be a professional photographer and is going to capture the whole experience for us for free in exchange for rights to use some of the photos for her blossoming business. We don't mind. We get great photos out it. Plus she's offering a very discounted maternity session! I'm elated!

 

[MrsKChicago]

Oh, that's lucky! DH has a friend who's a doula and birth photographer, but she's not local, and I don't think I like her quite enough to want her at the birth anyway I'm hoping if we hired a doula she could at least take some casual photos, or if I'm feeling up to it, take over the support for ten minutes while DH takes a few.

 

[ambertwogood]

They normally don't have an issue taking care of anything that is important to you. Lots of doulas Offer free consultations, so you can meet with a lot of them and puck who fits you guys the best. Plus, most of them will even come to your house to do the consult so you might jot even have to get out!

 

[MrsKChicago]

I'd rather go out than clean the house!

 

[Radkat]

I'm wondering if your doula could do the speaking up for you and DH if you are more introverted. You could have her be the one to tell the nurses about your preferences in case they are pushy or whatever. If you and DH are introverted, maybe that would be difficult for you two?

 

[MrsKChicago]

I think we'll be ok speaking up for ourselves. Our midwives and hospital "routine" deliveries line up pretty well with our desires anyway, so I don't think we'll have to do any fighting, and we're more true introverts (need alone time to recharge, too much social time exhausts us, etc) than just shy. It might be good to have someone to help us understand things if I'm in some primal labor zone, though.

 

[DrMum]

I thought about a doula for this baby, and you know my history already, but we decided against, as in those moments of quiet personal time I want it to be me and DH , not a stranger being a part of a key moment in our life. I'm very private too!

 

[Megamegan]

I'm introverted as well, but not really that shy, and definitely don't really care about someone I trust being there while I'm not at my best... I haven't had this baby yet but I feel more at ease knowing there will be a labor expert there to help me. But everyone is different. This woman just happens to really calm my nerves and she's always made me feel relaxed and secure... I think that's the key.

 

[zorak]

I am not normally an introvert, however during labour I really retreated into myself and basically avoided speaking as much as possible.

Our doula was invaluable. She was a gentle presence in the background, having her there allowed DH to take a break to eat with confidence I had someone with me. I needed a c section in the end and she was fab at explaining things to us - she took time with DH specifically so he knew what to expect/how best to support me in theatre. He said until that point he was starting to panic a bit but she really calmed him.

 

[Bookwrmgal]

I am an outspoken anti-social introvert and I am not sure I would like the idea of a doula because I would be afraid it would stress me out and violate my sense of privacy. Hiring one isn't an option for me because of my high risk status but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to check some out and see if you click with anyone

 

[hobbnob]

Well I am an introvert and had a doula for my first birth. I will have one (different one) for this birth too. I have to say when the time came and she came to our house, I wanted her to leave!!! I think it was a personality thing though. I hired her late in the game and didn't get a chance to really get to know her at first but I did feel like i didn't want her there when she arrived. I really wanted to be alone (with the exception of my husband)

She was invaluable for my husband though. My labor was very long and she let him take breaks and also calmed him down. I sent her home after numerous hours of labor at home and when she left my husband would panic and want to go to the hospital right away, so in that respect she was good for him and me because i didn't want to go to the hospital too soon and have them induce me or intervene. And she was good at the end when I was pushing. I pushed for 3 hours and she helped a lot during that time.

I think the key is to interview a lot of them and make sure you feel comfortable with their personality. That is the biggest thing in my opinion!

 

[MrsKChicago]

Ok, a sort of update. I talked to our birth class instructor today about my concerns, and she said she's very similar, and shared some of my worries when she had her kids. She said that generally, doulas are very flexible in stepping back if mom and dad need space, but reiterated that they can be invaluable if it's just the two of us in the room. I talked some more to DH about it, went over our budget (man, babies are expensive...) and opted to put in an application for a low cost doula through a volunteer organization here.

I'm a little nervous about it because we have less choice than we would through a traditional interviewing/hiring process, but it just seemed like a smart idea when the alternative was inviting an inexperienced and physically limited friend into the labor room, or leaving DH with no backup at all. I'll report back after the birth.

 

[Feronia]

I'm both an extreme introvert AND a doula myself. I didn't hire one during my first birth because I knew DH would be good support (he was on the same page as me on everything) and didn't know how I'd feel about another person there. When the time came, though, my midwife convinced me to hire an acupuncturist/doula during labour, and she ended up being extremely helpful and I didn't mind that she was there.

For this birth, I'm having a friend come over and act as doula, but mostly for my daughter and to have someone taking pictures, cooking, etc. I still have my introvert reservations, but ultimately I think it will be helpful.

As a doula, I know when to keep my distance, and if the mom and I don't click then I don't recommend she hires me. In most of the births I've attended, the birthing mother's partner needs some sort of support as well or isn't giving the mother the kind of support she needs at the time. But a doula does NOT replace the partner -- in the best cases, they work together to ensure that the mother is getting support at all times.

 

[MrsKChicago]

That's my biggest concern - DH not having any support. I know he has good stamina, but if there isn't someone there to spell him, and it turns into a long labor, he'll just keep on going til it's over and suffer the consequences later. At least one of us should be in ok shape after! I really don't want our short bonding time before he goes back to work to be complicated because his back is screwed up or something. I know he'll want an opportunity to take a few photos if I'm up for him stepping away for a minute, too - we'll play that one by ear because we both know my needs come before photos, but there was no way for him to step back like that for a minute without an extra person there. And of course, it'll be nice if she can take a few photos of us.

Thankfully, DH isn't threatened by the idea at all. He figures anything that makes it easier is a good thing, and he sees the value in an extra set of hands, though I don't think he really realizes how beneficial it will be for him specifically. We were just really torn over fitting it into the budget (I swear, all future babies will be planned to start and finish within one deductible year), and whether an extra body would just stress me out.