Any stepmoms worried about favoritism?

[ZoeyKaspian]

This may sound childish. It may sound selfish. Let me start with, "I love my fiance very much", but I have concerns. I really do.

Now, I get along with his son and his son's brother, but I sometimes worry there may be a favoritism issue once our son is born and I don't mean that people will be like "Aww how cute" to my son. I mean that...the favoritism will be with his other son.

I have worried about this my whole pregnancy. My fiance's a great father to his son, but he has admitted to me that in the beginning, it may seem like favoritism because he doesn't get to see him as often as he will be seeing our son. His son has his problems. I get along with him, but I try to take a stand back because he's not my kid. Anyway...for example, his son likes to tell his dad and mom how things are going to be. The time before the last that we had him, he said "I'm not going to bed unless you let me play video games." My fiance obliged. If he didn't, it would mean a tantrum. My fiance doesn't always give in, but times like that make me worry.

Anyway, my fiance has this thing where he hates to shop for baby clothes or baby related things with me for our son. Yet, he will do it for his other son. I had picked up a book at a garage sale I wanted to get for our son, but he immediately asked if I thought the boys were too old for it. I've picked up a toy from Goodwill and then his son grabbed it and he got it. Somehow, every conversation about our son, turns into a conversation about his other son. Now, I don't mind talking about him. Not at all, but there are times I just want to focus on Atlas. A bigger issue is that if we get a two bedroom apartment, he wants the boys to have it. Even though, we are only seeing them once or twice a month right now. Atlas would not have the bedroom. Even at one point suggesting that the boys have the bedroom in a one bedroom. That him, Atlas, and I sleep in the living room. I think it might be the guilt that he doesn't see them often that led him to this, but I said absolutely not with the one bedroom situation. I have lived in an efficiency long enough. I want the bedroom, damnit. Not to mention, again, with his son, he would be the type to throw it in our faces "Well, I'm the grown up because I have the room, you don't!". I feel like I want to talk to my fiance about this, but don't want it to start an argument so I don't know how to go about it gently. Again, there are other things....and my fiance's a great person, don't get me wrong, but...I don't want either of these kids to feel like one is better than the other. My kid will be disciplined and if he thinks that things like "Well, if you don't let me go play video games I won't go to sleep" will work, he's wrong. However, he's going to see his half brother getting that treatment (and his mom does it too! "I just give him whatever he wants when he cries now") and I don't want him feeling "different".

Any other stepmoms that are expecting worried about something similar?

 

[girlinyork]

I'm not in your situation but I can see why you're concerned. Your son should have his own space in his own home - your step son already has a bedroom with his mother!! Maybe put bunks in baby's room so step sons can stay and your baby still gets his own space? X

 

[Evana]

hi i am not a stepmum ...

i dont think you should worry too much about this now....not till your baby arrives and he actually shows outright favoritism of one child over the other ...
because the baby is not here yet its easier to say what he is saying ... once its here and he sees and holds him its a different story..it becomes more real for him.

usually parents who are divorced/separated with children try to over compensate by just giving in to all demands of children because of guilt they carry and once a child realizes that he knows how to push boundaries as much as he can.... and most children feel very threatened when their father is having another baby with someone else so would throw a lot of attention seeking tantrum ... and his son might have expressed his fear to his father if he is going to be forgotten when their is another baby(just speculating )and thus the over compensating and giving in to his demands.

i wouldnt worry about it too much as his child visits once or twice a month and your son will get 100% attention for the rest of the month ...

edit : about the space thing he is wrong and you should put your foot down ...in your home its your sons bedroom he can share with his half brother but should not be forced by the father to give up his room .or for you guys to sleep in the living room while son takes the bedroom ...thats just wrong .

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

hi i am not a stepmum ...

i dont think you should worry too much about this now....not till your baby arrives and he actually shows outright favoritism of one child over the other ...
because the baby is not here yet its easier to say what he is saying ... once its here and he sees and holds him its a different story..it becomes more real for him.

usually parents who are divorced/separated with children try to over compensate by just giving in to all demands of children because of guilt they carry and once a child realizes that he knows how to push boundaries as much as he can.... and most children feel very threatened when their father is having another baby with someone else so would throw a lot of attention seeking tantrum ... and his son might have expressed his fear to his father if he is going to be forgotten when their is another baby(just speculating )and thus the over compensating and giving in to his demands.

i wouldnt worry about it too much as his child visits once or twice a month and your son will get 100% attention for the rest of the month ...

edit : about the space thing he is wrong and you should put your foot down ...in your home its your sons bedroom he can share with his half brother but should not be forced by the father to give up his room .or for you guys to sleep in the living room while son takes the bedroom ...thats just wrong .

Thing is, prior to me even being pregnant, his son threw tantrums to get his way and had that kind of behavior. It is irrelevant to me being pregnant. It is just how his son is. My fiance gave into a lot of things that his son was doing prior to me being pregnant too. He admitted it was because he didn't get to see him much. He told me if I could see how he was when he was a stay at home dad, I would see a big difference on a discipline scale. I am typically with my fiance when his son is around so I don't think any fear was indicated. His son typically draws pictures for our son. He did have a freak out about the fact they're going to share the last name, but likes the idea of having a little brother. Thank you about the space thing. I don't know if I would be comfortable with the boys sharing a room with baby. The boys can be a bit rowdy.

I should also mention I think he might be going to my baby shower which is already a stressful event (possible alcohol which I hate, forced formula instead of breastfeeding, religious forcing) and I feel like the attention is going to be taken away from the baby which is what it's supposed to be about. Again, may sound selfish, but there are reasons for my reactions and feelings.

 

[rowleypolie]

My sister is a stepmom, her hubs has a little boy who is about 4 years older than their daughter together. I know it's going to be hard, but you will need to become an authority figure to the kids too. If you step back and let your fiancé do all the "parenting" things are going to be tough for you. There shouldn't be different rules. They are all kids living under your roof and they should all be treated equally. This won't apply until your baby is a bit older, but would you let him play video games after you told him it was bed time? Nope, sorry sweetie you can play them tommorow, right now it's bed time. Be stern and fair. It takes a big heart to parent your step children. You have to put off the fact that you only see them 2 times a month and that they "live" somewhere else, but it can be done. My sister is amazing and she loves her stepson just as if he was hers.

As far as your fiancé goes, just let him know that you want things to be fair, if he lets them walk all over him their relationship isn't about trust and respect. The kids will only see him as an opportunity to get anything they want.

For the bedroom situation: they are all boys and I don't understand why they can't share? There will only be your baby in the room most the time and he can surely share with older siblings for the 4-5 days a month.

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

My sister is a stepmom, her hubs has a little boy who is about 4 years older than their daughter together. I know it's going to be hard, but you will need to become an authority figure to the kids too. If you step back and let your fiancé do all the "parenting" things are going to be tough for you. There shouldn't be different rules. They are all kids living under your roof and they should all be treated equally. This won't apply until your baby is a bit older, but would you let him play video games after you told him it was bed time? Nope, sorry sweetie you can play them tommorow, right now it's bed time. Be stern and fair. It takes a big heart to parent your step children. You have to put off the fact that you only see them 2 times a month and that they "live" somewhere else, but it can be done. My sister is amazing and she loves her stepson just as if he was hers.

As far as your fiancé goes, just let him know that you want things to be fair, if he lets them walk all over him their relationship isn't about trust and respect. The kids will only see him as an opportunity to get anything they want.

For the bedroom situation: they are all boys and I don't understand why they can't share? There will only be your baby in the room most the time and he can surely share with older siblings for the 4-5 days a month.

I guess the thing is, I had a stepmom. I had a stepmom who overstepped her boundaries on a constant basis. To this day, I still can't stand her. I don't speak to her or my father. Lessons were learned by having her as a stepparent, though. I have told him not to stomp on the floor, reminded him to wash his hands, babysat him and will babysit him soon, but when his dad is around, I let his dad be authority and this is something that is appreciated all around. I can be stern with the boys and have been, but in regards to "bedtime", that is my fiance's decision when it is since we have them on weekends. They try the "Mom lets us go to bed anytime we want" thing too, but thankfully, when we had them both last, my fiance made a joke of it and said "Do I look like I have boobs? You're not at your moms." So, again, this is not an always thing, but it does happen on occassion.

Yes, they are all boys, but the thing is, they truly do not comprehend a baby. Maybe his son's brother does because he's been through it and he's a bit older but I could imagine his son taking the baby out of the crib, waking him up, having him cry, shaking him and thinking that all of these things are okay. I could imagine if our son wakes up needing a diaper change, he's going to flip out and have one of his tantrums. He is really young though so it's through no fault of his own, but I am not okay with such a situation. I prefer to avoid things I know will happen from happening. My son is not going to be put through that. Not to mention, my fiance does want more time with them and wants custody of his son. All that being said, time will eventually be maximized and probably before our son is of a speaking age.

 

[AllieM]

On the few nights when the older boys are there put them in the spare room, and let baby bunk with you if you are really concerned that they may harm him. As far as fovoritism, I am sure your OH is afraid that it will look like he is showing favoritism to his new son, and therefore that's why he is focusing on the older boy now. Maybe he is afraid that you will show favoritism?

 

[Mjane84]

I think your main issue is with DH. While your stepson's behavior is cause for concern, the bigger cause is your DH's tolerance of it. It's a sticky situation because you don't want to get into the disciplining yourself, but at the same time can't let yourself get walked on.

My Best Friend has a stepson, and her DH does favor that kid (he is now 15 and a spoiled brat). Same thing, her kids with DH have chores, rules, etc. but when stepson would come to visit, he got a "free pass" for everything. He was allowed by her DH to do whatever he wanted, stay up late, talk back, etc because he didn't get to see him as much. Fair is fair, and it isn't in this situation. You definitely need to talk to DH before it gets worse.

I would maybe suggest that you and DH get a room, and Atlas gets his own (since he lives there full time). When stepsons come over, is there a futon or anything they can share? I don't know how old they are, but maybe they can do a "camp out" thing in the living room when they come over? They may actually like it better, and DH can hang out with them until it is bedtime.

My Dad and Mom divorced, and while he didn't remarry, when we went to my Dad's house on weekends, my brother and I slept on the couch or a rollaway bed in the living room (he had a one bedroom apartment). We always thought it was kind of fun to pull out our sleeping bags and watch TV until we fell asleep type of thing.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

My kid will be disciplined and if he thinks that things like "Well, if you don't let me go play video games I won't go to sleep" will work, he's wrong.

Good for you!!! There is nothing that bothers me more then the parent letting the kid take control!

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

I think your main issue is with DH. While your stepson's behavior is cause for concern, the bigger cause is your DH's tolerance of it. It's a sticky situation because you don't want to get into the disciplining yourself, but at the same time can't let yourself get walked on.

My Best Friend has a stepson, and her DH does favor that kid (he is now 15 and a spoiled brat). Same thing, her kids with DH have chores, rules, etc. but when stepson would come to visit, he got a "free pass" for everything. He was allowed by her DH to do whatever he wanted, stay up late, talk back, etc because he didn't get to see him as much. Fair is fair, and it isn't in this situation. You definitely need to talk to DH before it gets worse.

I would maybe suggest that you and DH get a room, and Atlas gets his own (since he lives there full time). When stepsons come over, is there a futon or anything they can share? I don't know how old they are, but maybe they can do a "camp out" thing in the living room when they come over? They may actually like it better, and DH can hang out with them until it is bedtime.

My Dad and Mom divorced, and while he didn't remarry, when we went to my Dad's house on weekends, my brother and I slept on the couch or a rollaway bed in the living room (he had a one bedroom apartment). We always thought it was kind of fun to pull out our sleeping bags and watch TV until we fell asleep type of thing.

See, that's what I would like to happen too, but my fiance isn't a fan of it. I'm not sure why, but something has got to give. I also think that the futon or couch that pulled out would be okay. I stayed at my mom's with a couch that pulled out too and had a lot of fun staying in the living room

For everyone saying it's because the baby's coming - it may be partially, but not fully, as again, my stepson is taking the pregnancy pretty well and is excited about it, only had a flip out about sharing the last name (one time only), but things happened prior to my pregnancy that solidify my worry even more. Again, my problem IS partially my fiance's behavior, but I do want it to be known that I do love him. He's still a great fiance, but he's a bit of a pushover in regards to his son and has been since I got here (moved here to be with him, after a year of dating long distance, in June of last year), for the most part.

 

[girlinyork]

When Atty grows up he'll learn from his brothers' behaviour. When he sees Daddy treating his brother differently as well it'll bring up a lot of resentment and won't be healthy