Anyone else have a Mother like this? ....

[Amy_Nicole]

Me and my hubby are 4 years of TTC now. And everyone close to us knows it, mostly cause if you know me ... I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. On my first date with my hubby I told him I wanted kids, and if he didnt know if he wanted kids, then to leave now cause I didnt want to fall in love and find out he wasnt sure, and waste a bunch of time. To which according to my husband was the moment he knew he'd marry me someday ... but thats another story.
Now I love my mother, she is my mother after all. But since turning 30 a few years ago, I find that just about every conversation goes like this :
"Are you pregnant yet? You know your almost 35? I worry your going to miss out on something great and you'll regret it forever.
You should have -the hubby- get testosterone injections, it will make him have a billion x more sperm.
You should go to India. You can have IVF done for "cheap" only like 7k instead of 10k or 11k here."
My mom knows I have PCOS and knows how bad I want a baby. But I find that talking to her just makes my blood pressure go through the roof.
Does anyone else have loved ones that just dont understand how hard and difficult this journey is? That make insensitive comments to you frequently .... or Im I the only one this 'lucky'?

 

[Yo_Yo]

Not got a mother like that, but it would upset me and wind me up.

I'd politely ask her to keep her nose out, as your doing what you can to have a baby, and that it's between you and your hubby.

In her defence, I think she's only trying to help because she cares. I'm sure if she knows its not helpful she will stop.

 

[Xenia]

Hi Amy
I don't really get on with my mother..... When I was ttc, she used to make comments like 'I'm in no rush to become a grandmother'. Now that I have two kids, she loves them but she's critical and judgmental of me in other ways. You're right - it's inappropriate of your mother to make comments like that, it just makes you feel helpless and uncomfortable. It sounds to me like she really wants to be a grandmother and is taking her frustration out on you. Or she's trying to control the situation by getting you to do what she wants, so she doesn't feel so powerless....I don't know. Sorry if I'm over- analysing. Perhaps it would be helpful to prepare a few simple phrases that you can use when she tries to start up these conversations with you? Something like 'Hubby and I are well able to deal with this, we don't need you getting involved' or 'Thank you for pointing out that I'm not getting any younger, I'll put an urgent request in to the baby department'. Try to deflect her negativity/criticism back to her, so you're not the one left feeling bad.
I wish you all the best and hope you get your bfp soon. Take care xx

 

[BeachyFeelin]

this is exactly why i have not tod my mother that we are ttc....my oh is 38 and i just turned 32...sorry mom that i didnt have my second child by 25 like you....im 2 years behind my sister...which i know drives her crazy....

im sorry you have to deal with that!

 

[youngmommy26]

My mother is the exact opposite. Me and DH have been married for 8 years, I got pregnant with my son a year after we got married. I am 27 DH is 38. Well my son has severe autism, he is 6 years old and still doesn't talk, we literally just got him potty trained, it's pretty rough taking care of him, with all the therapy appointments and Dr appointments, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Well I have not told my mom that me and DH are trying to conceive. we have been TTC#2 for 2 years now and I remember about 6 months ago, I really thought I was finally pregnant, so I kind of hinted around to my mom about what she thought about having another grandchild, what she told me hurt me so much. I almost stopped talking to her completely over it. She told me that we shouldn't have another kid because our first is all "messed" up. That we are being irresponsible and stupid to even try to have another kid that might not be right. That if I ever get pregnant again I should consider the alternative, but I should know better and use birth control and not be stupid about sex. EXCUSE ME!? I was so upset. My mom is a judgemental bitch...excuse my languange, but she is. She had my brother at 18, and then had me at 26. So it's ok for her to want the joy of having 2 children, but because my son is Autistic I am just stupid for wanting another child. Oh and my brother can do no wrong, he is perfect in her eyes, even though he lives with his g/f doesn't have a job, and doesn't care to get one, just lives off of her money, and he just had his second child with her, but that's ok, because my brother is soooooo perfect, and i'm just crap. I understand that it's going to be hard, it's something I have thought about, but in the end I think it will be good for my son to have a brother or sister. This is my life, just because your my mother does not give you the permission to call me stupid, judge me, and treat me like a pile of garbage. So don't let that get to you, I really hope your mom can be nice and stop badgering you about it.

 

[siempre]

Mom problems I tell you….
My mom doesn't like to talk about this topic. My older sister has bad endometriosis and has lost and ovary and tube. She's single. Not tried to have children. Was told it would be difficult. Because of this, my mom doesn't want to hear about me having kids. It will be "very hard for your sister". I recognize that. It will be hard on her. But am I supposed to never have kids because of this? We have been trying for 3 months and so far nothing….so it may not be that easy for me either, who knows.
I feel like I don't have my mom's support, so I don't talk to her about it. Have relied on friends instead. Makes me sad. It's not the relationship I would ideally like to have with my mom. But we can't choose our family.
Sorry you are not feeling supported, I can relate. If i say something like "please be supportive." my mom says "i am." ok…
I find it is not worth discussing or trying to change her. deep breath and move on. I am convinced she'll be thrilled when she actually gets a grandchild. And if not, it is her loss.
Best of luck. Take deep breaths and pick your battles. That's my way of dealing.

 

[youngmommy26]

Mom problems I tell you….
My mom doesn't like to talk about this topic. My older sister has bad endometriosis and has lost and ovary and tube. She's single. Not tried to have children. Was told it would be difficult. Because of this, my mom doesn't want to hear about me having kids. It will be "very hard for your sister". I recognize that. It will be hard on her. But am I supposed to never have kids because of this? We have been trying for 3 months and so far nothing….so it may not be that easy for me either, who knows.
I feel like I don't have my mom's support, so I don't talk to her about it. Have relied on friends instead. Makes me sad. It's not the relationship I would ideally like to have with my mom. But we can't choose our family.
Sorry you are not feeling supported, I can relate. If i say something like "please be supportive." my mom says "i am." ok…
I find it is not worth discussing or trying to change her. deep breath and move on. I am convinced she'll be thrilled when she actually gets a grandchild. And if not, it is her loss.
Best of luck. Take deep breaths and pick your battles. That's my way of dealing.

I can relate to your situation a bit. My step-sister, well me and her don't get a long, never have, but she had a cyst on her ovary that ruptured, so now she only has one ovary that works, so it's really hard for her to have kids, When she went in for surgery, I shared my condolensces and tried to be a good sister, because no matter how much I don't get a long with someone, I would never wish something like that on anyone. Well when it had happened I was maybe 17 years old? Well I got older and met my DH, I found out I was pregnant with my son, I was 21 at the time. Well my step-mom had thrown a baby shower for me, and my step-sister was invited of course. Well the whole time she was there, she was giving me the stink eye and saying things like "wow your getting really fat" "should you be eating that" "I really hope the baby comes out ok with all that fat your carrying" Now I understand she is bitter or whatever, but that's uncalled for. I avoided her like the plague for the rest of my pregnancy. Then when my son was born, she was being nice to him and everything, but still wouldn't really talk to me. But it's been maybe 4 years since I have spoken to her or my step-mom. I talk to my dad maybe 1 time every 3 months, but I don't really have family support at all. My mom is mean to me, so I just stay away, I have my DH, He is my best friend and I am so thankful to have him. Did we spend christmas alone today? yep, but it was great!

 

[Xenia]

Hello Youngmommy and thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to you a bit....my mother is a judgemental b**** too and I'm at the stage where I'm deciding whether to back off completely and not try to have any sort of relationship with her. You've cut ties with your mother and sister and I applaud that because I think there comes a point when it becomes unacceptable to take any more snide remarks and bad vibes. Your sister took pleasure from making those nasty remarks, same way my mother takes pleasure from criticising and judging me the whole time. So, by not seeing them any more, we're preventing them from releasing their anger/resentment. Someone else will have to bear the brunt of it, not us!! My mother is also more friendly to my two little girls than to me....because of course it's easier to love children, they don't come with any baggage or issues. I'm fully expecting her to become more critical of them as they grow up because that's her nature and I don't think anything I say will change it! Luckily, I live in another country to my mother so I don't see her often, however she does come to stay from time to time (fun, fun, fun). I dread speaking to her on the phone, it's such a stilted, false conversation with her being critical and asking loads of questions and me eventually sounding defensive or 'explaining' myself, though I never intend for the conversation to go that way. I've just had enough really, she's a toxic person and it feels good to say it as it is because most people think you have to accept your mother no matter what she's like.
She had seven children and really struggled to cope, then became bitter and negative about rearing children. So when I got married she kept saying 'I'm in no rush to have grandchildren' which used to hurt. One time I said to her 'yeah, that's because you sickened yourself having so many' and she argued that wasn't the reason! It took me almost 3 years to conceive DD1 and I never once mentioned ttc to my mother because I knew I'd get no support. So, like you said, it was alright for her to experience the joy of having SEVEN kids, but she couldn't even manage one positive comment for me when I was ttc 1!!!!
Anyway, enough said...hope you're enjoying the holidays and I wish you all the best on your ttc journey. xx

 

[Ashley1021]

I can relate- although I'm very young (21). I'm engaged to the worlds most wonderful man, he has a great job and I'm going to school and am a full time nanny. About three months ago we decided we were ready to TTC. I haven't told my mother because she is so against it. My sister, who is only a few months older than me recently found out she was pregnant. And after talking with my mom decided to abort. My mom asked me what I would do if i was pregnant- and I told her I would have that baby and raise it. Little does she know, I'm actively trying to get pregnant. Our plan is to wait until after my first trimester to tell anyone after I get that BFP! People can be judgemental- but when you're ready, you're ready. Baby dust ladies!

 

[Kayotic]

Me and my hubby are 4 years of TTC now. And everyone close to us knows it, mostly cause if you know me ... I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. On my first date with my hubby I told him I wanted kids, and if he didnt know if he wanted kids, then to leave now cause I didnt want to fall in love and find out he wasnt sure, and waste a bunch of time. To which according to my husband was the moment he knew he'd marry me someday ... but thats another story.
Now I love my mother, she is my mother after all. But since turning 30 a few years ago, I find that just about every conversation goes like this :
"Are you pregnant yet? You know your almost 35? I worry your going to miss out on something great and you'll regret it forever.
You should have -the hubby- get testosterone injections, it will make him have a billion x more sperm.
You should go to India. You can have IVF done for "cheap" only like 7k instead of 10k or 11k here."
My mom knows I have PCOS and knows how bad I want a baby. But I find that talking to her just makes my blood pressure go through the roof.
Does anyone else have loved ones that just dont understand how hard and difficult this journey is? That make insensitive comments to you frequently .... or Im I the only one this 'lucky'?

No. I just have a mother who is constantly telling me what an awful idea having another child is, and that if she'd been smarter she would have stopped at 1.

 

[youngmommy26]

Me and my hubby are 4 years of TTC now. And everyone close to us knows it, mostly cause if you know me ... I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. On my first date with my hubby I told him I wanted kids, and if he didnt know if he wanted kids, then to leave now cause I didnt want to fall in love and find out he wasnt sure, and waste a bunch of time. To which according to my husband was the moment he knew he'd marry me someday ... but thats another story.
Now I love my mother, she is my mother after all. But since turning 30 a few years ago, I find that just about every conversation goes like this :
"Are you pregnant yet? You know your almost 35? I worry your going to miss out on something great and you'll regret it forever.
You should have -the hubby- get testosterone injections, it will make him have a billion x more sperm.
You should go to India. You can have IVF done for "cheap" only like 7k instead of 10k or 11k here."
My mom knows I have PCOS and knows how bad I want a baby. But I find that talking to her just makes my blood pressure go through the roof.
Does anyone else have loved ones that just dont understand how hard and difficult this journey is? That make insensitive comments to you frequently .... or Im I the only one this 'lucky'?

No. I just have a mother who is constantly telling me what an awful idea having another child is, and that if she'd been smarter she would have stopped at 1.

ugh, what a nasty thing to say! I'm so sorry you have a mom like that, my mom is really mean to me too and makes me feel stupid for wanting another child. They think just because they are our mom's that gives them the right to break us down and make us feel like crap. Try to stay positive, it's your life, and only you know what's best for you, not anyone else, even our mothers..

 

[Kayotic]

d that if she'd been smarter she would have stopped at 1.

ugh, what a nasty thing to say! I'm so sorry you have a mom like that, my mom is really mean to me too and makes me feel stupid for wanting another child. They think just because they are our mom's that gives them the right to break us down and make us feel like crap. Try to stay positive, it's your life, and only you know what's best for you, not anyone else, even our mothers..[/QUOTE]

Luckily, I only see her a few times a year and limit most of our talks to FB messenger where I can walk away if needed.