Anyone else worry about age gap?

[Nikki of NZ]

I have a 9yr old son from a teen pregnancy to my ex. My husband and I got together when he was 2months old and have been TTC our own baby since just after his 1st bday, so just over 8yrs now. We've had 6 failed months of clomid, 1 ivf bfn and 2 ivf miscarriages. We have just had our last fet from this cycle, I am currently in the tww. If it has worked and I don't miscarry, the baby will be due 2days before my sons 10th birthday. He has grown up with plenty of cousins and in the past year just met 2 of his 3 siblings on his fathers side. It's not only hard to cope with not being able to give my husband a child of his own but also not being able to give my son the (at home) sibling that he constantly asks for. It's getting to the point It breaks my heart thinking that if/when I do have a baby the age gap is so huge that they won't have the same bond close together siblings share

 

[k4th]

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages and your long journey ttc #2.

I've been ttc #2 for just over two years - not as long as you - but I worry about age gap all the time. I had really wanted 2 under 2 and now, after 5 failed clomid cycles, my dd would be at least 4 and a half. I feel gutted everyday. She's really into "frozen" and talks about having a sister all the time - she draws pictures of her & her "sister" and asks me when we're getting a baby in my tummy (several staff at her nursery are pregnant). It's soul destroying. I feel like such a failure and that I'm letting her (& oh) down.

I work with children & saw a young man (maybe 10 or 11) doting on his baby sister last week. I keep telling myself that age doesn't matter, it's the love that will count. Some days I really believe that & others (like today - AF arrived yesterday) I find it harder. If your son still asks about it though then he will take an interest & he will have a bond. It will be different to younger siblings but it will still be there.

I hope this tww flies by & you get good news at the end of it.

Eta: plenty of people have the age gaps that we are both talking about. The hard part is accepting it because it isn't what we wanted. The people who choose these age gaps don't worry about it

 

[Nikki of NZ]

Thank you for your reply and kind words. I'm sorry you had AF show up, that's always the most devastating day. For me those 1st few years were the worst, by this stage I have almost accepted it's not going to happen, doesn't stop me still hoping and trying though!
I too wanted 2 under 2 or as close as I could get to that, I had my 1st young so had planned to focus on having atleast 2 babies possibly 3 and doing the full time mum thing for a few years before starting a career, unfortunately it hasn't gone that way and im thankful to have been able to kick start the career side of things and provide a great life for my son but now I worry how well life will flow if another baby comes along. Of course when the time comes we will make it work and enjoy every second of it.
You're right about the bond and different is ok as long as there's something there, I just hope it happens soon before tha age gap becomes too big and my son is at the out and about with friends stage and not interested in a baby.
I wish you all the best with your little girl and trying for her sibling xx

 

[k4th]

& thanks to you for your kind words too.

It's so unfair that life doesn't always want to follow the same path we wish for.

I don't know if I would have the strength you have had in trying for such a long time. If your son got any of your resilience I'm sure he'll adapt wonderfully to a baby. Really hope this is your month - good luck!!

 

[CaliDreaming]

It's only natural to worry about the age gap, but closeness between siblings depends more on personalities,not age. I have soooo many examples of this in my personal life. My own dad, who has 9 siblings, is closest to his youngest sister and there is a 17 year gap between them. My best friend recently had a baby girl and there is a 10 year gap between her two girls, but those two are inseparable. I know of so many other examples of this.

Also, on the flip side, the closer the children are, the more of a chance they will have more intense sibling rivalries.

I guess it causes a lot of anxiety because it's not the norm, but there's really no need to fear. The dynamics will be somewhat different but you will be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Drearystar]

So sorry Nikki, for the great losses you have suffered. I can't imagine that.
I worry about the same thing... I have a 7 year old and have been ttc since he has 3. He also asks me when he is going to have a brother or sister. It breaks my heart. I wish I could tell him how hard I have been trying. I think with age gap the older child will enjoy helping take care of the baby (as long as they are not being asked to help all the time). I am 7 years younger than my brother and once I got to a certain age we were best friends. I had a failed iui and ivf. It's hard to know what to do.

 

[StretchMarks]

Sorry to hear about your losses. Hugs. In answer to your question, husband was diagnosed with MFI when our son turned 2 (after 8 months of trying). We were told that there's no hope and every month, all I can think about is how big the age gap will be if we ever are successful. I also wanted to add, my brother and I have a 12 year age gap and while we weren't close when we were younger, we are now as adults. He's 20 and I'm 32. I'm someone he trusts with all of his personal questions (school, girls, even sex), and he's my go to when I need help with things like social media, PPP culture, etc.

 

[KrissyB]

It's soul destroying. I feel like such a failure and that I'm letting her (& oh) down.

^ This. It's all I can think of nowadays. I have been trying for a shorter time than everyone else here I think... but we got lucky with our DD on the first try so I never imagined there would be a delay like this the second time around. And every day that passes and every milestone and growth spurt she hits is just a bitter reminder of the growing gap.... if we can even have a second at all.
I was telling my DH last night that I think people with primary infertility may be luckier.... For them, the only person who will be let down is themselves (and their OHs). I'd rather disappoint myself a thousand times over before having to disappoint my little girl (month after month...). I'm not a patient person, and I've never been good at the whole "if at first you don't succeed..." thing. I desperately want to just give up... but I can't take the thought of letting my DD down.

 

[Topanga053]

Hi all. :wave:

I don't really belong on this board yet, but this thread really resonated with me, so I hope you all don't mind me joining in.

LO is almost a year old and it took us 13 months to get pregnant with her (with one early miscarriage during that time). I don't really consider us LTTTC because we did get pregnant
twice in that time period and we were only TTC for 8 months after the miscarriage when we got pregnant with LO, but it's close to being LTTTC. I feel like we're kind of in a borderline, gray area.

Anyway, because LO took so long to conceive, DH and I started trying really early for #2 just in case. We started NTNP when LO was about 3.5 months. My cycles have been all over the place since I had her (40 days, 70 days, 50 days, 27 days, etc), so I have NO IDEA when AF is coming or when (or if) I'm ovulating. I want to avoid charting, etc, so we're just BDing regularly, hoping that we catch the egg at some point. We're nearing the end of cycle 5 and I just had a BFN. So we haven't been trying a lot of cycles, but each cycle has been so long that it's almost been 8 months since we started TTC#2.

I know we still have PLENTY of time, but DH is nervous about #2 and we both would like them really close in age, if we can have another one. I'm worried the more time that goes by that DH will change his mind and not keep trying for another one.

So again, I know my situation is very different than some of yours (and I'm so sorry for all of your heartbreak!), but I don't know a lot of people who I can relate to about worrying about TTCing for #2, so I hope you don't mind me joining in.

I was telling my DH last night that I think people with primary infertility may be luckier....

Any type of fertility comes with its own unique heartbreaks, but honestly, I don't think so. When we lost our first pregnancy and were TTCing #1 month after month, I had no idea if we were ever going to be able to have a child, especially because my parents had massive fertility problems (I'm an only child). The idea of possibly NEVER being able to have a child was heartbreaking in a way I cannot possibly describe. While I worry a bit about not being able to have #2 or whether LO will want a sibling, it's not nearly as devastating because at least I have LO. But the idea of possibly being entirely childless? Broke my heart into a million pieces.

 

[Topanga053]

Also, does anyone else think that it's so unfair? I know people who have had a much harder journey than ours, although still 13 months TTC and a miscarriage to get LO is not exactly an easy road. And again, I recognize now that 5 cycles (8 months) TTC#2 is still absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things and still well within "normal". But does anyone else get frustrated that it happens so easily for some people, time and time again? I have friends who have gotten pregnant on the first try every time and gone on to have healthy babies. But for us, it seems like every time we try, it's like settling down for a long, uncertain journey. I NEVER expect that I'll get pregnant in the first month or two and when I do get pregnant, after the miscarriage, I am always so worried about whether or not it will stick. It would be so nice for ONCE to be that couple who gets pregnant on the first try or without planning it, you know??

 

[ajksand]

I just saw your post, I have a 11 year old daughter and have been ttc # 2 since she was a year old. I had a miscarriage in August 2013 after 8 1/2 yrs ttc. We took a break most of 2014 and are now back. I am going to a specialist in April for the first time, everything i had done to help I had just used my regular obgyn..