Anyone had a NICU baby feel guilty?

[Ceejay123]

My LO was in the NICU when he was born due to a serious chest infection. He had to have a ventilator/feeding tube and three others, the works.

I had severe pre eclampsia and was hardly allowed out of a wheelchair.

He's now 8 months old, but still to this day I feel so guilty for being away from him. I went to the NICU for every feed, but was then kicked out as I had to go back to bed. I feel so guilty that he was so often on his own (although I never once saw another parent near the other beds). My OH came when he could, every day.. but had our three year old and his six year old for the week, so he couldn't do too much. He did bring both the kids in to spend as much time with him as possible though.

I used to sneak down at 1am (and get yelled at for walking) and sleep next to him in the chair - one nurse used to let me.

I just feel so guilty, with my first he pretty much slept on me for his first few weeks.. whereas my second was alone in an incubator. I completely blame myself as I had such a stressed and difficult final few weeks and a rushed induction due to pre-e. I blame this in my heart for his condition (although I know logically that's daft).

He's such a Mummys boy now.. so it didn't stop us bonding. I just can't shake these feelings. Does anyone understand? Can you relate? x

 

[wishingonastar]

My SIL had HELLP and was in intensive care for a month and her baby in SCBU for that time. She was too unwell to even focus on a pic of him for the first weeks.

When they came out it undoubtedly affected her, made worse as she had desperately wanted her son and was told she must never have anymore yet she missed the first month of his life.

She doesn't talk about her feelings around it now but it has affected her bonding with him as he was a much wanted baby yet she can be quite detached from him. I'm glad to hear it has not affected your bonding. I think you need to force yourself to squash the guilt when it rears it's ugly head by reminding yourself none of that was your fault and you did and do your best. You're clearly putting him first and are carrying guilt with no purpose

 

[BlingyGal]

My daughter was in the NICU unexpectedly too. I don't know if I would call it guilt but I still carry a lot of stress/anxiety from that time. I was in hospital too, they'd call me every time she needed a feeding (every 2-3 hours) and I would rush up there with my heart in my throat, feeling anxious bc I wasn't there instantly. Even once we left the hospital, I'd get very stressed over any thing. I think bc we had such a scare with her ending up in the Nicu, I've kind of carried some of that stress with me.
I don't have any great advice except that none of it is your fault, your baby loves you, you love your baby, and time will heal these wounds. I'm trying to live in the present and not relive the past too often.

 

[luckyhug]

Both my babies were preemies and were in NICU for a time. Never brought a baby straight home with me and never will now 😞😞 - no more babies for us.

The feelings cut deep until quite recently, and my youngest is 14.5 months now. I'd say they're just starting to fade now and I'm starting to accept that as 'our journey'.

It's a really hard and traumatic time for any parent - don't beat yourself up about anything though, let yourself 'feel and heal' and also ask for help if you need to! But just to let you know that from my experience, the wounds will soon heal. It sounds like you've done a fab job in one of the hardest situations - hugs. X

 

[Demotivated]

My baby was not in NICU. He was suspected to be IUGR, So we were prepared for it.. but he surprised us, and came home with us after our hospital stay.

However, 3 days after birth he was re-admitted in hospital coz of severe dehydration..
I really think it was completely my fault. I could feel that my breasts were not producing enough but my family/DH kept on insisting it ll get better.. on day 4 (day 7 of his life), i went livid looking at how yellow and flaky his skin was and we rushed to the ER. He had dropped a lot of weight and was immediately admitted. They started him on formula and did blood tests and all. He had developed high jaundice due to dehydration. He was under bili lights for one day. He started gaining weight, jaundice came down & we were home after 2 days.

He is now 10.5 months old. Extremely bright, lovely kid. But i can never forgive myself for the pain my child had to incur coz of my body's inabilities. Crying while writing this. I wish no parent has to go through this guilt ever, ever.

 

[_Meep_]

Mine was never ill or in the NICU but I feel tremendous guilt for everything I've ever done that wasn't ideal. Even the most stupid, tiny things - like, as an especially ridiculous example, when she was really small (less than three months), she kept kicking her blanket off at night and it wound me up so I just took it off her. It wasn't cold (she was a summer baby) so she wasn't bothered, but I got up while she was asleep and the sight of her tiny bare feet poking out of her too-big pyjama bottoms reduced me to tears. I cried for days over what a horrible, horrible person I was for assuming I could 'teach' my innocent baby a 'lesson'.

If I (still!) feel guilty about THAT, I can't imagine how you feel over things that were totally beyond your control.

The fact of the matter is though, that while it happened to your baby, it's not happening now. He is just fine. He doesn't even know that it happened, but you're feeling like this because you love him SO MUCH. Which is exactly what he needs, for the rest of his life, and which will set him up to have a wonderful life - a life so, so far removed from his early days when he was struggling.

You couldn't be there for him then as much as you would have liked, though it sounds like you did your damnedest to be close to him - but you can be here for him NOW, and use that experience to be the most whole, complete, attentive mother you can be for him. Turn it into something good. He came through it. He's here. When he is old enough to understand you can explain to him what happened. I am sure he will urge you to forgive yourself.

 

[sethsmummy]

I think its a common feeling hun we all feel bad if things have not been how we have wanted them to be.

i have the same guilt from ds3 being in nicu (although he was only in there for a day and a half i felt bloody horrid that i was only allowed a couple hours with him as id had a section and they wanted me "resting"). we got home day 3 after his jaundice had come down to a safe level ( portable billi pad in my maternity room after the first day and a half under the full lights) and his antibiotics stopped. at 12 days old though he stopped breathing and was rushed to our local resus, ventilated and transferred two hours away to a larger hospital (yorkhill, glasgow) where we stayed for three weeks. I wasnt allowed to stay with him through the night and it wracked me every single day that i knew he was critical but i couldnt be with him or do anything.. i wasnt allowed to touch him either as his sats went severely down. I had two stetches of that through his stay.. first while on the ventilator (5 days) and then again when hes lung collapsed from pneumonia. It was heartbreaking. we were moved back to the local hospital for 3 days where i was able to stay with him all the time. We got out at 5 weeks old and i feel like i completely missed his newborn days and felt really bad about it. It still gets me at times but i know he was in the right place with amazing people around him and theyd call if anything was wrong