Anyone not live near to their family? Are you worried about how you'll cope?

[Smiler82]

This will (touch wood) be our first baby, so I have literally NO idea how I'm going to handle being a mother. I hope I'll be a good one, but am sure there'll be some tough days ahead!

I don't know if it's just first-time nerves or what, but the last few weeks I've been feeling like I'd like to move closer to my family. We have plenty of friends where we live, but they all have jobs and kids of their own so whilst they've all said they'd be happy to help out, obviously they'll be restricted by their own work and family commitments. Whereas all my family are live fairly close to each other, my sister is a SAHM and my parents are retired, and my aunties work part-time. I also have a lot of friends in that area too.

Our work commitments have changed now, so we can basically work from anywhere. And of course once the baby arrives I won't be working for a while anyway. So I thought would it be sensible to move closer so I've got a stronger support network, or really, will I be fine all on my own? DH isn't keen on moving, but he's not going to be the main carer for the baby. I suppose I'm just a little nervous that I won't always get it right, and then there won't be anyone I can call on for help! I don't want to be a burden on my parents or anything, it's not like I plan on calling them over every day, but I feel like I'd just be happier knowing that if I really need them, or my sister, they can just come right over.

Does anyone else live far away from their family? Do you plan on moving closer? Or if you've already got some kids, how did you manage on your own?

TIA x

 

[Hannah11]

I'm not sure if you are in the UK or not but I am and live about 2 hours away from my family. which over here is classed as not that close. My OH's family live close by but due to commitments with work and other family members children I do not think I will get much support from them. I will also be a first time mum and am not worried about the distance from my family. My mum is a nursery nurse and I know that she will be on the end of the phone if i need help and I plan to visit her while am not working. Also I have friends that I know will be there to help me even though they are working mums themselves and I'm sure your friends will be to. I plan to go to baby groups and try to meet other mums as well so there will hopefully be some support there as well.

Although I am sad that my family are not closer and will not see us on a regular basis I am not worried about doing this without them.

I think you have to decide what is best for you and tour husband by moving away u maybe closer to your family but will u loose your friends and a social group which will give you normality when you need a break from being a mum.

good luck what ever u decide X

 

[ncmommy]

With my first we lived about a 4 hour drive from family and I remember my first thought was we have to move closer to family, I was a little freaked out about the whole thing. We were not in the position to move and I am glad we stayed. My mom was there after the birth so I had help and some family came to visit but for the most part we did everything on our own. I promise your mommy instincts will kick in and you will be great. It isn't easy but nothing in life worth having is. Will your parents be able to visit and help right after baby is born? It was great having my mom there to take care of the household stuff while we focused on the baby and sleeping!

With this one we live 3,000 miles away from all family so it will be just us doing it again. I like being independent though. My mom again will be flying out to help with our first while we are in the hospital.

I would take some time and really think about why you want to move. If we had jumped on our rash decision I would have been really unhappy where we were if we had done that.

Good luck with whatever you all decide!

 

[Tami]

Hey hun,

I think it's really normal to want to be closer to your family with a new arrival on the way. There's a good chance most people think about the what if's, lol.
Luckily I've spent a lot of time around babies, and people tell me I'd make a great mum, but even so I think "What if something happens I've never come across before and I don't know what to do?!!?"
My OH and I are out of touch with half our parents (my dad, his mum), they're just not nice people, but with that said my mum and his dad have been really supportive, and since we're currently staying with my mum, we are looking at houses in the area to stay close to her.
On the one hand I think it would be great if you lived closer to them, having a support system behind you could be really useful, but I also know that moving house is stressful and if we didn't have to we wouldn't be with a baby on the way.
Maybe write a list of the pros and cons? Because a new house, a new baby, etc is a lot to take in at once!
At the end of the day your family will support you wherever you are, and if your DH isn't keen on moving maybe it's not fair on him, does he have friends near your family too?

I'm babbling a bit here, pregnancy brain, lol xx

 

[cantwaitforu]

One thing I've learned as a mom and from other moms, you manage with whatever your situation is.

DH and I were visiting my friend who had twins two months after we had DS. DH asked my friend how could they possibly manage with two little babies. My friend and I had the same reply - you manage your situation because it is the only one you know.

You may have friends who have family over all the time helping and wonder how you will manage. Don't worry. You will. I'm sure it's easier with family or with a single baby, but if you don't experience it, you won't have a point of comparison.

As for missing family - make sure you Skype, send lots of pictures and look forward to mini vacations to visit.

 

[babyhopes2010]

its HARD!

first baby she is now 15months i was 2 1/2 hrs from nearest family. im due again august with baby no. 2. yeh 2 under twos now i live in scotland 600miles from family. honestly i dont know how ill cope. but u just do. i did and still have pnd so keep n eye out for that illness lurking x

u get used to what u dont have.

my friend relys on family to help raise her children. she would struggle if she were me but its all iv ever known x


i would LOVE to be closer to my family n friends but i know we wouldnt have the lifestyle we have near family. we are looking to move nearer so we are 2 hrs away as iv struggled since coming up here. we had to fly down south which made the distance feel alot further.

 

[Smiler82]

Thanks so much for all the replies

Yeah, I have always had the attitude that whatever your situation is, you just cope because you have to. But I suppose the nerves are starting to kick in a little, and sometimes my self-confidence isn't particularly high so I do worry that I'll just be rubbish at caring for our child and will need some help

We're going to be moving house soon anyway (we rent and this place just doesn't work for us anymore for various reasons) so I thought if we've got to move, maybe we should be thinking about making a bigger move whilst we're at it. Part of DH's objection is that by moving closing to my family, we'd be even further away from his parents. Which I totally, totally understand and don't want to bully him or anything. But my thinking was if we were closer to my family, I can see them in the week, thus freeing up more weekends to see his parents. At the moment we're constantly to-ing and fro-ing between them and it'd be nice to have more weekends at home with the baby. DH drives a lot for work and hates spending his weekend in the car, so I thought we could cut down his weekend driving by not having to factor in trips to see my parents.

I think I also need to get over the worry of asking friends for help. They're all so busy I wouldn't like to impose on them too much. But every time one of them has had a baby I was always happy to help, so it shouldn't be any different should it! I am wary of making a big decision like this when emotions are running a little higher than normal due to the hormones! Really appreciate being able to ramble on here and get my thoughts written down x

 

[ncmommy]

Thanks so much for all the replies

Yeah, I have always had the attitude that whatever your situation is, you just cope because you have to. But I suppose the nerves are starting to kick in a little, and sometimes my self-confidence isn't particularly high so I do worry that I'll just be rubbish at caring for our child and will need some help

We're going to be moving house soon anyway (we rent and this place just doesn't work for us anymore for various reasons) so I thought if we've got to move, maybe we should be thinking about making a bigger move whilst we're at it. Part of DH's objection is that by moving closing to my family, we'd be even further away from his parents. Which I totally, totally understand and don't want to bully him or anything. But my thinking was if we were closer to my family, I can see them in the week, thus freeing up more weekends to see his parents. At the moment we're constantly to-ing and fro-ing between them and it'd be nice to have more weekends at home with the baby. DH drives a lot for work and hates spending his weekend in the car, so I thought we could cut down his weekend driving by not having to factor in trips to see my parents.

I think I also need to get over the worry of asking friends for help. They're all so busy I wouldn't like to impose on them too much. But every time one of them has had a baby I was always happy to help, so it shouldn't be any different should it! I am wary of making a big decision like this when emotions are running a little higher than normal due to the hormones! Really appreciate being able to ramble on here and get my thoughts written down x

I will say that taking classes and reading baby books helped me with my confidence. To me the more I know about something the better I feel about going into it. Of course there are things that come up that are not in any books but that is what doctors and BnB is for, lol!

And you are right, you should not be afraid to ask your friends for help.

 

[babyhopes2010]

are u close to his family? maybe ur partner is just as worried as u.

i will say the stress of moving is immense. we are thinking of moving in the next few months i dont think i can handle the stress.

if ur gonna move do it now cos its even more stressfull when ur nearer ur due date.

in 1 yr i got married ,moved,changed jobs,passed driving test and had a baby oh the stress i must love it!

 

[xsadiex]

When I had my first I lived a 7 hour drive from my family but I didn't reall care that much as I didn't feel like I needed help, plus I was the only one who could feed him so they couldn't have done much for me anyway. I wouldn't worry too much. My partner was very supportive though and helped loads! I moved nearer my family when my son was 5 months and it was nice to be near as my mum can babysit when I want to get my hair done or when we wanted I go on a night out. But at the beginning I didn't want anyone else to help or look after my son xx

And I thought I'd add.. I was only 20 when I had him and didn't know much about babies but do research now and find out what kind of parent you want to be. You'll learn fast - you have to!!

 

[TatorMom]

We moved closer to my family when DS2 was born. I thank the lord because DS1 had chronic croup and the times we had to rush him to the hospital in the middle of the night my parents were able to be there in under 5 min, so that both DH and I could go. There were a couple times they met us at the ER to pick up DS2 as well. Also, there were a couple times that DH and I needed to go to the hospital ourselves and having my parents close was a life saver. We live 2.5 hrs from them now, but now that our kids are older it's not as big of a deal and there are 2 drop in day cares in our area. Plus my parents come almost every weekend. We have no support network of people who can help at a moments notice, so my parents were it. My husband is actually looking for work back up near my parents because he misses being close to them and I'd just go back to working at the Cleveland Clinic again, which I miss. You just need to do what's right for you and your family.

 

[Smiler82]

Thanks again for more great replies

babyhopes do you mean close emotionally or close geographically? In terms of distance, my parents are 100 miles away in one direction and his parents are 100 miles in the other direction! He thinks it's best to stay an equal distance away so it's fair, but I just have the feeling that once the baby is born, all of our weekends will be taken up with either us going to visit parents or have them visit us. I really want some 'alone' time just the 3 of us, and because of his work it just has to be at the weekends. Plus, as I say, he does so much driving in the week it'd be nice for him not to have to do so much. Re moving we're tied in due to our rental contract but hopefully we'll be out of here n the next few months.

xsadiex sounds like things worked out really great for you My DH is fab too but realisitically with his workload he isn't going to be able to support me during the week. I'm just so worried about feeling completely isolated! I will join mum and baby groups etc, but it's not the same as having a loved one to call on, I don't think anyway.

Tatormom - that's another thing I've been thinking, what'll happen when we have another. My sister has two and when she went into labour with #2 mum and dad were there in 5 mins flat to care for her eldest. And then recently her youngest was taken to hospital and they did the same as you, just called the parents for abit of back up. I'm sure if I didn't have that option I would come up with a solution, but I think it's comforting to know they can be there quickly in an emergency. And that is so sweet your DH misses your parents

I agree we need to do what's right for us and our family, I just think at the moment when we say 'family' we're still thinking of EVERYONE, and not just us three. I think his parents would understand if we moved closer to my family, but I totally get why DH isn't sure about moving further away from his parents. I guess we both need a little longer to think it over

 

[babyhopes2010]

i meant emotionally. mine arent

i found once people visited initially the visits got fewer n fewer until unless we went to them we wouldnt see them atall

 

[Smiler82]

Oh, sorry to hear that babyhopes DH has always been emotionally close to his parents, but since he left home they've never lived close to each other. They've always been at least 2 hours away, sometimes double that. His sister is also a 3 hour drive away and has been for years.

My DH grew up not spending much time with his dad's parents as they would never, ever come to visit them. Despite his parents both having full time jobs and 2 kids to look after, they would never make the effort, but then complained that they didn't get to see the kids enough. Some ppl you just can't win Sad when people are like that

 

[SabrinaKat]

just saw this and thought I'd give a two cents' worth -- hehehehe! My family are in the States (OH and I are in Ireland, he's Irish) and unfortunately, most of my OH's family are not immediate family (and his mum is 2 hours away and has her own health problems!). I had the same worries, but you will survive! In fact, it would have been nice at times to have my mother or other family much closer, the big thing is SLEEP and if your OH isn't keen on moving closer, perhaps a rota between you and OH (even if you are on maternity leave, having 1 night to sleep whilst OH takes LO for a longer night-time stretch is wonderful!). Also, if your parents/family are only a phone call away, that's a great resource (hard when in another country), but the big question is whether 2 or 3 years from now, you'll still want to be so close?

best wishes and good luck!

 

[Smiler82]

just saw this and thought I'd give a two cents' worth -- hehehehe! My family are in the States (OH and I are in Ireland, he's Irish) and unfortunately, most of my OH's family are not immediate family (and his mum is 2 hours away and has her own health problems!). I had the same worries, but you will survive! In fact, it would have been nice at times to have my mother or other family much closer, the big thing is SLEEP and if your OH isn't keen on moving closer, perhaps a rota between you and OH (even if you are on maternity leave, having 1 night to sleep whilst OH takes LO for a longer night-time stretch is wonderful!). Also, if your parents/family are only a phone call away, that's a great resource (hard when in another country), but the big question is whether 2 or 3 years from now, you'll still want to be so close?

best wishes and good luck!

Definitely appreciate the 2 cents worth SabrinaKat

That is a good idea re sleep rota! Would be a little tricky as DH drives so much for work I def don't want him driving sleep-deprived, but I guess Friday night could be his night

Well it's not just my parents I'm thinking about, my brother and sister live near to them too so it'd be nice for them to grow up knowing their aunt, uncle and cousins. Maybe am being a bit too 'Waltons' about this haha But yeah, I get your point about thinking further down the line!

 

[mummie2be]

I live 20 minutes from my mom, I don't drive and neither does she. I honestly don't know how I am going to cope with it. The rest of my family is spread out and no-one is close to me.
My OH doesn't get it but, I know that I am going to need my mom once my little princess is here more then ever, and the thought of not living near her absolutely terrifies me.

 

[MumToEva]

Hey Hun. I'm not what I would call close to either mine or OH's families, but I'm closer than you are (45 minute drive and 1 hour drive respectively). I have found that that the 2 families have responded differently to LO - my family are up and down regularly, and mum looks after Eva one day a week for me now that I'm back to work because she loves spending time with Eva, even though it's a considerable bit away for her and an early start. Hubby's family never come near us - they only see Eva when we take her to them, even though they rave about her when they do see her. It's made me realise that I couldn't live near my in-laws, because if they can't even be bothered coming to visit then why would I bother. We have since decided to go visit OH's family less (once a month rather than alternate weekends, as both Hubby and I feel that we put in all the effort, and don't get much back in return, and we deserve time as a family as well instead of going visiting family every weekend (before that we alternated visiting family weekend about and never had a weekend off).

I like that my family are reasonably close, but I also like that they are far enough away so as to have to call to check we are home before visiting. I don't think I would like living on their doorstep and having them just dropping in all the time. I've always known that I like my own space - I did wonder if that might change with having children, but no, I still like my own space, much as I appreciate support from family.

 

[J22]

Hi, neither myself nor OH have any family close by (my family live in England while we live in Spain, and OHs family live on an island a 3hr flight away) so we're in it on our own! We have a B&B which I run on my own too while OH works in his own job so I won't even get maternity leave as I have a full house booked about 10 days after baby is due!! OH can have some flexibity in his work as he's self-employed and can also give me hand at the weekends. I'm not too sure how we'll cope but at the moment I'm not thinking too far ahead because I just trust that things will fall into place and we'll get stuck in and manage. There are things I'll miss like being able to go to the gym because I won't have anyone to leave baby with even for just 1 hr....and I'm sure there'll be hard times as I'll be very tied with the business and baby, but that's the decision we've made together so I'm sure we'll get through it. It will be a welcome relief though when close family come to visit and give us a helping hand now and again xx

 

[sue_88]

I will be a single mum and live 2 hours away from my family.

Some days I am like 'yeahhhh can totally do this by myself!'

Other (MOST) days I am absolutely petrified, and wish my mum lived closer.

I don't want to move because packing is a bitch, moving is a bitch and my house is close to my job (although I wont be working - I will be going back which would mean another move!).