Anyone with a dh who is not on board?

[Beanonorder]

I have an amazing 15 month old daughter and I absolutely love being a mom - even more than I thought possible!
I have always said I wanted two kids and have never once waivered from that (ok occasionally I think about more than two!). We dated and got married with my dh knowing this about it. In the beginning I never pushed the issue of having a baby as my dh is two years younger than me and pretty immature to boot. I reached a point when I was ready for kids and I let him know but I made it clear I wasn't pressuring him. He decided soon after that we should go for it. We tried for four months but unfortunately a lot happened and we separated for a while. We managed to sort it all out and got things back on track within a few months. A year later we decided to try again and were very lucky to get pregnant on our fourth month.
When she was 8 or 9 months old dh assured me (promised to be exact) that a second baby was still in the cards. Once she turned one I wanted to talk about when we'd start ttc/ntnp. To which dh replied he doesn't want anymore. I was absolutely devastated. The conversation/argument went on for a bit and ended with him saying that he still wasn't convinced but we would have the conversation at a later date. I was ok with this at the time. But we've never had the conversation again and he talks like we've made the decision to only have one. I'm feeling really negative towards him about this and its hard to focus on anything else. Having another baby seems to occupy my mind ALL THE TIME!
I've written him a four page letter explaining my reasons why I want another one, why I think it will be a good thing and also responding to his reasons for not having one (none of which are actually good reasons!). I also suggested three different dates to start trying. I don't want a huge age gap and I'm also going to be 31 this year so I don't want to be waiting forever. Now I'm too scared to give him the letter because we have been fighting so much. I keep thinking its not fair to bring another child into that but one of the reasons we fight is because of my negative feelings towards his blase attitude.

I'm afraid to bring the conversation up again in case I get a resounding no. Then what do I do? As a Christian I know I should be putting my husband first but I also know that if I do that I will be staying with the hope that he changes his mind. And every day that he doesn't I will just grow more bitter. And that isn't fair to either of us.

I have so much more to write about our situation but I've just realised that this is already so long! Sorry and thanks for reading!

 

[myangel167]

I'm sorry that u are going through this, I'm going through something sort of similar (i posted a thread titled "rant" about a week ago) I dont have any children yet, but I have baby fever, and all a sudden my husband dropped a bomb that he didnt want kids at all! We are going to have a conversation about that for sure, but anyway, back to your situation. What are his reasons for not wanting another? would u consider leaving him over this? Are u afraid if you tell him how serious you are about wanting another that HE will leave?

and to be honest, if I were you, and he wont budge on this issue, and he refuses to have another child, I would just accept it. I wouldnt leave him. I would force myself to cope and not be bitter. I would try my best just to be happy and feel blessed that you have your one baby. Only because, like you said, you are almost 31. And if you left, you would have to find another good man, which can take years...plus, you would need to spend time together first before you have a baby, which means you could be 36 by the time you have another. Plus, then you have to deal with step parents, & divorce and that can be hard. SO if you weigh it out, it may just be better to stick with him (if he makes you happy and is a good father) and just enjoy your little family.

ANyway, I'm sorry if my opinion was intrusive or offended you at all. I of course dont know you or your situation and I'm not trying to judge or tell you what to do. Im sure you are a smart, strong woman who can make her own decisions and all that. But, thats just my thoughts on it.

 

[Beanonorder]

Thanks for replying! I'm sorry for what you are going through - why is it these men seem to think that they just get the final say and that's the end of it!!
I appreciate your opinion and you are so right! I have no desire to start over again and I really do love my dh. I'm just really worried about how its going to affect me in the future. I'm not afraid he will leave but the fight will be unpleasant and he is so stubborn.

At the moment dh is a stay at home dad while I work. It has been even more challenging than he anticipated and this is one of his reasons for not wanting another. He doesn't want to be at home with two kids. But we are moving in August and then he will be looking for a job so I keep telling him he won't be at home. We live in China and we would really like to go leave but going back to South Africa isn't really an option. So we are looking into Australia. He says if we have another baby that takes money away from saving. But with my salary we are able to save enough and once he starts earning that is a bonus. Dd is going through a screaming phase and he hates it. And clearly doesn't want to go through it again. I keep telling him that it won't last forever and that all the good things far outweigh the bad. Internationals schools are really expensive here and he says how are we going to educate two when at the moment we can't actually afford one. But we don't plan to still be here when dd is of school age so this is a non-issue. And besides that I can always get a job in an international school and get free education.
These are the biggest reasons that he has given me. He just doesn't have a solid reason that I can't fully understand and respect.

 

[sweetmere]

Ugh. I am in a similar position! DD is almost 13 months old and I want my babies close in age. I would have preferred 18 months old difference but dh was back and forth last year saying one and done (even though we had discussed 2-3, I'd love three ideally). Now he says he would be okay with just Audrey, but he sees why I want two, and he kind of wants two as well. But that "absolutely no part of him" wants three. He said he is getting a vasectomy after #2 is born. A few months ago he told me he wanted them 3-4 years apart. I told him that IS NOT what we discussed before and I absolutely don't want them that far apart! They won't play much. I'd be starting all over. They won't like the same things. So in January, he reluctantly agreed to TTC later this year...and I still wanted to ttc sooner. Now he is saying he "is considering" ttc sooner but is still just wasting time I think so I'll leave him alone about it. I bring it up too much but it aggravates me that we had talked about this before marriage and while trying for Audrey. Three kids is out of the question now which...I can deal with, we haven't even had #2 yet. I feel like if he is taking my dream of three kids away that we should be able to ttc #2 and have the age gap that I want even though that's already passed we could have a two year gap if we got lucky (unlikely). I suspect it'll take 6-12 months of ttc.

Just sucks. & we just found out his brother's wife is pregnant with #3. So now I feel like if we get pregnant soon it'll seem like we're only doing it because they are, so that's annoying. She's due in November. I'd be totally thrilled with ttc this month but not being pregnant this month because I know how she'd be...like I stole the thunder. But technically it would be normal if I got pregnant now with age difference. I would love my babies having a cousin close in age though. Audrey only has 2 cousins (both my SIL's kids) and they're 5 & 6. I'd be fine with getting pregnant next month...November and February are just far enough away due date wise to seem ok. She even told us when she announced (at Audrey's 1st birthday party) that she started wanting another when I got pregnant. So I wish she'd decided to have another when I had Audrey! :/ I'd just recently started talking about #2 and then she got her iud out and immediately was knocked up. I love my SIL but ugh. Lol.

Anyway, sorry for the book. Haha, when I get going it's hard to stop!

 

[Beanonorder]

Please rant away! I wanted this to be somewhere where we can just let it all out!
I am sorry that you are going through that.

So my last packed of BC is going to finish next week. I haven't found anywhere to get more yet and I haven't brought it up with dh. I'd never just stop it behind his back but I know if I mention it that it will bring up the conversation. So for the moment I'm avoiding it!!!! I think I'm going to give him the letter soon and then hopefully face it all head on.

 

[sweetmere]

I told mine 1-2 weeks before I quit mine and told him I was fine with a baby, so now the ball was in his court to prevent. But he also knew birth control was causing a bunch of issues with me, too. :/

 

[Beanonorder]

Well I left the letter on dh's computer this morning before I left for work! Now I have to wait and see IF I get a reaction and WHAT that reaction is going to be! Eeeeeek!
We're supposed to be going away this weekend so I hope it doesn't end up causing friction!

 

[sweetmere]

How did it go??

 

[Myworldx]

How did it go? Hope you enjoy your weekend away. X

 

[sweetmere]

We agreed to ntnp last night!! Exciting!!

 

[Beanonorder]

Yay sweeetmere that is so exciting!

So when I got home on Friday he didn't acknowledge the letter at the time but was very friendly and loving so I was glad for that. We went out for dinner that night and then he brought it up. It started out fine but went downhill pretty quickly. I had a hard time controlling myself but managed not to cry in the middle of the restaurant! Anyway after lots of backwards and forwards he went out for a smoke. He came back in and said fine, you go off the pill and we'll let nature take its course! He did have a few conditions - I have to start eating healthier (he said I had to as soon as I find out I'm pregnant but I want to start now because I do want to lose a couple of kgs!), once he starts working full time I can't expect him to change that just because we have another child and I have to go back to work once my maternity leave is up. Oh and I wasn't allowed to pressure him and saying we have to dtd right now because its the right time.
So my pill finished yesterday so I guess we are also ntnp!!!!!

After dinner it didn't really feel like a win to me because I could see he was still reluctant. But while we were away the topic came up a few times with different friends and each time he spoke positively about a second one so that made me feel better.

 

[sweetmere]

Yay! We can be NTNP buddies lol. My husband was a tad reluctant but last night HE made moves on me and then he didn't pull out. His decision and even though he had said we were NTNP I still had tiny doubts lol. But yay for us maybe out little toddlers will have siblings on the way sometime this year! !