Appointing a guardian

[Pielette]

My husband and I are having, well not an argument as such, but definitely a heated discussion over this. I mentioned about a month ago that I thought we needed to think about getting a will made and appointing a guardian for our LO if the horrid and unthinkable should happen. No not nice but I think it needs doing.

Unfortunately we can't agree on who Noah's guardian should be. He thinks it should be his sister and her husband. I think it should be my mum.

His reasoning for his sister;

She has two boys herself and it would be a family environment.
She and her husband are in their forties.

My reasoning for my mum;

Noah sees her at least twice a week and if I need someone to sit with him, it's my mum who does it. I don't trust anyone else with him. He knows her much better than my sister-in-law.

However, we have a couple of reasons against the other's choice. I don't want him to go to my sister-in-law because, as much as I like her (and I really do), she has a severe case of OCD and is neurotic about germs. She pulls her boys out of school if there are germs going around - one of her sons was born premature and is very susceptible to bugs so I get it completely, but if Noah were to live with them I'm certain the same thing would happen with him, in case he picked anything up and passed it along. I really wouldn't want his education to suffer, and I don't want him to be wrapped up in cotton wool. I want him to play and have fun, and not be concerned about bugs.
My husband doesn't want him to go to my mum because she's older and he doesn't want Noah to 'end up' looking after her when she becomes elderly. He also thinks that he would suffer from not having a family environment. Due to the recent break-up of my parents' marriage (some of you may remember since I've posted about my dad turning into a complete a-hole), she's vulnerable right now and my husband worries that she wouldn't cope. I maintain that without Noah she definitely wouldn't cope, because without him and us she would have nothing. I have no siblings, and if he went to my sister-in-law he would be two hours away from her by car.

My husband thinks I am being too emotional about this and thinking too much along the lines of 'what would my mum do without Noah?' I think he's being too clinical and I really would worry about the state of his education if he was brought up by my sister-in-law.

We cannot seem to reach an agreement. I know my mum would be absolutely gutted if he went to someone else. I've said that to my husband but he said his family would be gutted if he went to my mum. I don't really agree with that - they have a massive family and would have each other, and I would stipulate that my mum should make sure he spent time with them.

Has anyone else had this problem? How on earth did you resolve it? We've tried to find a compromise and suggest someone else, but there really isn't anyone else. Just don't know how to solve it and I feel it really needs doing. Any advice welcome.

 

[2RockinBoys]

That is a pickle. We haven't done a will yet either, but did touch on the subject a couple of month's ago. Could they not all go onto the will as joint guardianship? Have you spoken to them about it?

 

[Pielette]

I'd never heard of joint guardianship, how would that work in that situation?
No we haven't spoken to any of them seriously about it - I mentioned it to my mum in passing a few months back before he was born and she said 'We'll have him of course' (I hadn't asked her to, I was just musing on the issue). This was before my dad turned into a *******, excuse my language. Oh forgot to mention that my husband thinks Noah wouldn't have a male role model, because my mum is therefore single now.
We haven't spoken to my sister-in-law about it, want to try and get things straight in our heads before we do so.

 

[Amyface]

I assume your mum lives near to you and his sister doesn't then? In that case I would assume that keeping your son in school would also be an issue. He's just lost both of his parents, the last thing he needs is to lose his friends as well and be put into a different school.

I think it's quite a tough one, but that overall the child having a good relationship is most important. My parents are Myles's guardians and we have my cousin and her husband (who I haven't seen for a long time but I trust her family values, the way she brings up her children etc.) as secondary guardians should something have happened to my mum and dad in the mean time.

It was important for me to have someone who is near by so that things such as having his friends about and going to the same school wouldn't change. However, a guardian is only a guardian if they agree to it. The discussion with my parents is that Myles is to go to them if they think it most suitable. If, for example, they have health problems and can't look after him properly, or if my cousin is nearer to us and she feels that they would look after him better then they will elect for Myles to go to them.

Maybe you could explain that keeping stability in this situation is the most crucial thing for him, and this comes from staying in the same school and being looked after by someone he knows best. You could always have the same discussion with your mum as as did with my parents and have her decide if his sister would be better suited taking into account the situation at the time.

 

[Pielette]

Yes my mum is about 10 minutes drive away, in fact she'll be even closer soon because we're moving in a couple of months to her village. His sister is in Surrey, about two hours away. I would be extremely upset to think of him being taken away from the area he knows, friends and schools etc.
He knows my mum very well and she's one of the few people who gets a big smile even when he first sees her, most people have to coo at him before he gives a smile, so I know he recognises her and likes seeing her. He doesn't know my sister-in-law very well.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

It's a hard decision. DH and I decided months ago that Alex would go to my parents should anything happen to both of us. He doesn't like my mom much, but he agrees they would be the best choice.

 

[hayz_baby]

Mayb step away from the discussion for a couple of weeks and come bak to the situation with a clear head you both may feel differently. I would also agree with pp about a discussion with both parties to come with an agreement if you cant decide
we r quite lucky and we both decided where lo should go should worse come to worse even tho its not in writing but we both decided on my parents
sory couldnt help much

 

[whit.]

I agree, I'd stop talking it for a while. Maybe during that time you're not talking about it both of you write all of your feelings down about how you feel with pros and cons. Usually when I write something it doesn't seem as hateful if it's said out loud.

How old is your mom if you don't mind me asking? I guess my only concern would be first of all would she want to do it? and second it would be so awful for him to lose his parents and go to grandma, and her not be around for a long time after that. you know what I mean? (if she's quite a bit older) I'm sorry, I can't imagine having to argue over it. We decided my sister and her husband would be Sophia's God parents if anything, Heaven forbid, were to happen to us. Myself and OH are the God parents for my niece and nephew as well. I wouldn't trust anyone else to raise my child and even if we did want one of our parents to, their older and I don't think they would want the responsibility to be honest.

 

[HippieJess]

I'll be stalking this thread. DH & I have briefly discussed this. We can't agree & we end up in a heated argument so it ends up getting dropped. Although now that we've moved an hour away from his family I may be able to get DH to agree with me.

 

[hollie87]

How awful that we've not even thought about or discussed this! May seem a completely stupid question but how do you go about appointing guardianship?

 

[Amyface]

It's in your will

 

[xdxxtx]

My OH and I live with my parents, and it was a given with both of us that the guardian would be my parents. I'm surprised my OH agreed, but if something were to happen to my parents as well, our LO will go to my sister. She has a husband and a son and has been very involved with our baby since conception. My FIL and SIL are not options in my opinion because they've been completely against me and my marriage with OH and have only tried to hurt me... So, OH hasn't considered them either. Maybe I'm lucky my in-laws hate me... lol

 

[3011busyyear]

Maybe think about things another way. If you didn't appoint guardians, who would be the first person there to fight for him???

I have no idea who we would have. My parents aren't suitable (never even changed a nappy!), OH's mum and dad are divorced and both almost 70. My brother doesn't like kids in general! My sister has a baby but I don't think she bring LO up with the same values and aspirations that we'd like. OH's brothers both have families, but their kids are brats, one set have controlling over bearing parents, the others have an overly relaxed parents and get away with murder. Tough decisions we have to make!

 

[Pielette]

It's so hard! My mum is 53 and in excellent health, she takes good care of herself and I can't see her needing care or support until she's well into her seventies (of course I can't predict the future, but she's doing all she can to keep herself healthy). It kind of does make me annoyed though that my husband thinks Noah would be 'saddled' with looking after her - well who else would if we aren't around? And he will be raised to be respectful and loving, I can't see how he would turn his back on her, whatever form that would take - a home or carers going in, for example.
I think the suggestion of taking a step back from it is a good one for now, just don't see how we'll resolve it in the end unfortunately. I think I'm right and he thinks he's right. But we all know that ultimately the woman always knows best

 

[2RockinBoys]

I'd never heard of joint guardianship, how would that work in that situation?
No we haven't spoken to any of them seriously about it - I mentioned it to my mum in passing a few months back before he was born and she said 'We'll have him of course' (I hadn't asked her to, I was just musing on the issue). This was before my dad turned into a *******, excuse my language. Oh forgot to mention that my husband thinks Noah wouldn't have a male role model, because my mum is therefore single now.
We haven't spoken to my sister-in-law about it, want to try and get things straight in our heads before we do so.

When we touched on the subject, we came up with at least 5 people we'd be happy to leave the boy's too (sound's like an inheritance lol), so we said about putting multiple people on the will when it come's to making one. Then, if the unthinkable did happen, it would depend entirely on the situation as to who the boy's went with. How old they were, where we were living, who they felt most comfortable with ect. I would like to assume that they would have input into who they would live with (assuming they'd be old enough to give input).
Hope you both manage to come to an agreement