AP's how do you go about discipline?

[xUniquex]

just what the title says really!

DS1 is a bit young yet but we like to reserach everything in advance before deciding what to do.. we AP so want to try and discipline our LO's without compromising that.

A friend suggested naughty step/chair/spot like super nanny but i'm not keen..

thoughts,suggestions and experiences welcomed!

 

[NattieLou]

My LO is younger than yours, so it's all still fairly theoretical for us, but I can highly recommend reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. It's radical when compared to mainstream approaches, but the philosophy sits very well with me. The focus is on building a close relationship with your child that's respectful, non-coercive and teaches largely through social modelling. You don't use punishment or rewards - no naughty steps or reward charts. Here's a list of the principles behind the approach https://hubpages.com/hub/10-Principles-of-Unconditional-Parenting

In contrast to time outs, some people use 'time in'. I'm struggling to find a link about it as the site I was going to recommend seems to be down, but it might be worth a google. If I can find the info I'll post it for you later.

I'm also reading Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen at the moment and it's really inspiring. It explains how 'problems' can be responded to by playfully connecting with children rather than resorting to traditional discipline techniques.

Shameless plug: both of these books are on the shortlist for our March book for our natural parenting bookgroup (see my sig if you fancy joining).

 

[NattieLou]

I should say that we apply the principles now by things like avoiding using constant praise, not using terms like 'good boy', keeping 'no's to a minimum and making sure our expectations are consistent with his developmental level. He also gets as much comfort as he needs, and we keep coercion to a minimum - eg no 'sleep training'.

If you BLW it's a great intro to the philosophy. The approach to food and eating is broadened to cover everything else.

 

[NattieLou]

Time in stuff
https://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcecenter/id26.html

 

[xUniquex]

thank you so much for taking the time to reply!I was starting to think noone would put anything forward!!

I will have a look at the links you sent and also the books,from what you have said though i am not too sure how i would fare at UP simply because we 'praise' DS a lot (confidence building) we don't bribe or sleep train or anything though.. i will have a read and see!

you never know someone else might respond giving more food for thought!lol

thanx again!

 

[NattieLou]

No worries. Do have a read of the stuff about why praise and rewards aren't necessarily a positive thing. I was all for them too and then it really made me rethink my position. A lot of it is very evidence based - e.g. studies consistently show that when you give praise for a task, the child actually gets less intrinsic enjoyment of the task. A child comes to enjoy the achievement rather than the process. When a prosocial behaviour is praised - 'great sharing, Johnny. What a kind little boy you are' - the child is less likely to perform the behaviour when they don't think they're being observed. A comment like 'did you notice how happy Billy looked when you shared with him?' is much more effective in building empathy.

Anyway, I digress. The Sears family have a couple of books on discipline too, but I haven't read either of them. Might be worth checking out though. I think they're a bit less radical.

 

[xUniquex]

i must admit i do like what i have read from the sears so far.. i haven't read their discipline book yet though!

i looove reading!Always been a bookworm and a lot of the parenting stuff is really eye opening!

 

[oread]

Thanks for the links Nattie! I have been looking for more parenting information like this. I'm still just pregnant but I figure its never too early to start learning about different parenting techniques, particularly since the ones I find most appealing I don't really have any experience with.

I am very anti-authoritarian, but most forms of child-rearing and discipline tends to be very authoritarian, patriarchal, and more concerned with making a child do what you want them to. I definitely agree with the link above that punishment and rewards aren't a good idea, that you cant force children into different stages of development, and they should be allowed to make as many of their own decisions as possible. I believe that they learn best by example so by being kind and a good communicator, eating well, etc, they will learn to do the same. Of course this is probably very easy for me to say now because I don't actually have a kid yet

This is a bit long and heavy on political philosophy, but if anyone is interested in libertarian parenting/raising free children this is a great read. It is written from the anarchist perspective, so it may seem a bit radical, but it is actually has very similar ideas to the Unconditional Parenting article above. https://www.infoshop.org/page/AnarchistFAQSectionJ6

 

[starsunshine]

Nattielou, I've joined your facebook group, hope that's ok! I'm new to all this AP but it really makes sense to me and I love to read books. I'm reading baby led weaning at the mo so might not be able to get straight on with the book club but I'll catch up eventually!!!

 

[Lu28]

I looked into the unconditional parenting concept a little while ago but the idea of not praising LO just didn't sit comfortably with me. I have recently bought Dr Sears Good Behaviour book which is making alot of sense to me so far and we're implementing some of these ideas with good results