Are you telling people or keeping it private?

[LucyLake]

I just wondered how all of us going through a miscarriage are reaching out for support. Have you kept your MC completely private? Shared the news on Facebook?

Who is supporting you through this, or are you relying exclusively on your husband/boyfriend/fiancé? And if you've had recurrent miscarriages, are you sharing more this time or less?

 

[sedgeez]

I would of loved to of kept it private to be honest.

Unfortunately for me, we had to tell people I was pregnant early due to someone we couldn't trust finding out. She even started telling some of our family and took great pride in ruining the good news for us.

So we had to tell people that I lost the baby which made it harder for us, with reliving it when we had to tell people and the pity people give you when you see them for the first time afterwards.

I'm so angry at the girl who told people though as it got us excited. We weren't going to get too excited until after 12 weeks, but with people knowing and talking to us all the time about the baby we started to get excited and started planning things.

 

[skyesmom]

i've kept it way too private at the beginning - first couple of months - and the results were me slipping into depression and my bf getting further and further.
it made stuff really really hard at my work as nobody knew yet and i had to keep up the happy face.

later on, i realized there was nothing shameful about it. somehow it was easier for me to open up first to strangers and then to closer friends, who started asking questions only when our relationship encountered problems. then i told what was going on and to my surprise, except from a few insensitive folks, everybody were really supportive and understanding.

now i don't hide it anymore, and i find people often tell me about their losses they've never told anyone about because they felt they wouldn't be understood.

 

[Lovechristmas]

I have told my family, close friends and some work colleagues. I have not written anything on Facebook.

From my experience it has been better telling people than bottling it up and keeping my experience inside.

Everyone is different and handles experiences differently.

X

 

[Angels4]

After having my first miscarriage, I knew it was better to only ever tell the people i trust 100%.

After my first, I was asked by some rude and horrible people what I had done to cause my miscarriage....the absolute worst thing you could say to anyone. I was then also asked to not tell them the next time I fall pregnant until I reach 12 weeks as 'they' couldn't deal with the stress if it happens again. Seriously??? How do you think that my husband and I can deal with it! That made me so so upset.

In the end after now having 4 miscarriages, we have a small circle of family/friends that we tell. They provide us with the love and support we need rather then making us feel guilty for no reason. We can talk to these people without bottling up our emotions, but we also know that it wont be used as gossip either.

It is completely up to the person....I just wish people weren't so horrible and we could feel comfortable to tell anyone about our losses.

It is nice when you know you have support.

 

[Newyearsangel]

I just wondered how all of us going through a miscarriage are reaching out for support. Have you kept your MC completely private? Shared the news on Facebook?

Who is supporting you through this, or are you relying exclusively on your husband/boyfriend/fiancé? And if you've had recurrent miscarriages, are you sharing more this time or less?

I have kept it private and that seemed to be best for me. I only told a few close people. It always depends on the person but private was best for me less people to ask questions.

 

[LucyLake]

I was kind of on the fence about this. Part of me wishes I could call attention to so many women suffering miscarriages and suffering in silence by posting on Facebook. But, the more I thought about it- the more I realize it won't help me because I can't control what people say that hurts me. I also feel like the more people I tell, the more pressure I'll put squarely on myself to try and conceive again successfully.

I've told a few people-family and friends-no co-workers. If all works out and I conceive again okay, I plan to put that I have two children on Facebook and call attention to how sad it is that miscarriage is so taboo.

Thanks for your answers

Sengeez, my heart breaks for you. What a despicable person, sounds like he/she loves attention . Karma will come for this individual.

 

[Greener Grass]

last time i told quite a few people, and voiced my frustrations on facebook, when people asked me what was wrong i told them. this time i told nobody i was pregnant so haven't really told anybody what has happened. none of my family know. only two friends and a group of ladies I know from a ttc group who i used to be quite close with before they all got pregnant and now have babies.

part of me wants to tell the world, but i can't be arsed with all the bad advice and patronising comments. I also don't want to look like an attention seeker so i've just suffered in silence really

 

[skyesmom]

...i was angry that miscarriage was such an uncomfortable taboo but i couldn't really speak up about it for the first couple of months, when it was all still raw and i was oversensitive to people's comments..
...later when i felt i gathered some emotional stability i started talking openly and also fighting this taboo a bit, but never on facebook, though. i would mention it when talking face to face to people, and now when someone says something insensitive or stupid, i either tell it outloud or just think inside myself (depending on the situation and person): thanks god you don't have a clue of what you're talking about, and for your own sake, i really wish you never find it out.

 

[mummyfraye]

I have kept it all private as I didn't tell any one I was pregnant because I had pains from day 1.

I had to seek counselling so I feel I could have benefit more from the support of my family and friends but it's a case of not wanting to hurt them too

 

[Tasha]

My stillbirth's I havent kept quiet, my miscarriages my mum knows about a few of them but doesnt know I have had twelve but no one else does. So they only people who know the true extent is me and my DH.

 

[LuckyW]

I've updated the 3 people we told about the pregnancy- his parents and my sister.

I'm not sure why, but I don't really look for support from friends or family with something like this. Maybe because they're far away, maybe because they aren't that good at emotional support (my family), maybe because I don't want to burden them, maybe because I don't think they can really get it, and maybe because no matter how sweet anyone was- I wouldn't get this baby back.

But I do appreciate being able to confide in the women here. I suppose our experiences in common make us good company for one another. Less alone in all of this.

 

[SabrinaKat]

I did, and it was the best decision I ever made. I had a mc in 2009 and it was incredibly difficult, but some of the greatest compassion came from the most unlikely souces -- my co-worker's wife had had several miscarriages (and a few children, as well) and he (a Pakistani man!) was a fantastic support, who was able to give me advice throughout the days following. I also sought counselling (cognitive behavourial), which helped alot, but no -- I couldn't keep it in, and ultimately, it did help that others knew. When I got lucky a few years later with a sticky, my co-workers were delighted, but that they had known the background helped so much.

I'm sorry for your loss as it is so difficult, but never think you are alone -- even if physically you might feel that way, BnB is great for support. What you share with others is up to you, but know that, sadly, many women have gone through this and whatever you do, is NORMAL.

best wishes

 

[9jawife]

After receiving absolutely NO support from anyone with my miscarriage, I'm going to save the humiliation and keep it to myself should it ever happen again.

 

[skyesmom]

My stillbirth's I havent kept quiet, my miscarriages my mum knows about a few of them but doesnt know I have had twelve but no one else does. So they only people who know the true extent is me and my DH.

wow your message left me speechless, how can anyone get through this? hugs and love to you and your DH.

 

[GaiaSN]

If I have learned one thing about mc it's how incredibly isolating the experience can be. It really depends on the person and the circumstances, but I have been very open about it. Yes, I did get hurtful comments. But if it helps other women to be able to share their pain a little more, and make mc less of a societal taboo, then that's a good thing. I probably wouldn't post it on Facebook (just like I wouldn't post baby pictures there), but in one-on-one conversations, I do tell people. I just had the D&C for my 4th mc yesterday, and this time around, the support I received was much more than the previous times. Almost like a lot of people were rooting for us. I spent two hours on the phone with my best friend when we found out, a gay guy. And we cried together. An acquaintance pinged me on IM yesterday, and she all of a sudden shared her story of infertility and the single one time she was pregnant for just one week. Something I didn't even know about.

But the single most important person in this ordeal is my dear M. He's my champ, and I will never forget how great he is in helping me through what without a doubt is the hardest time in my life.

 

[LucyLake]

I just wanted to update everyone. I posted some photos on FB of some beautiful miscarriage pins that are only known to us unless you actively googled. You could assume these were breast cancer pins. I also made my cover photo an empty swing set. I got tons of private messages of support. The ones who said they knew I must have had a miscarriage and reached out all had one themselves and knew exactly what that pin meant. Others who knew but didn't want to be nosy commented on photos of my sweet 8 year old and reminded me how handsome and amazing he is. I'm SO happy I was able to share my truth in this small way, but still preserve my privacy and not feel the pressure to re-conceive or hear the mean comments that my baby would have had problems had he/she lived.

Thank you for all your amazing comments and I am here always and will be for the rest of my life for those of you who told no one AND those of you who told everyone. You are never alone. Hugs

 

[farmwife25]

We were so excited when we found out we were expecting, and it was our first pregnancy and we wernt trying. We didnt find out till I was 9 weeks. We were hesistant to tell anyone but buy the advice of our doctor he suggested we tell people as we living far away from family (closest fam member is over 7 hours away). He thought the support of family would be good. So we told our family, and stupidly on facebook because if we didnt someone else would of. Even sent out the news in our xmas cards as this was in december.Well we went for our 1st ultrasound at 13 weeks, and baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks and had no HB. It was devistating to have to tell all family the news, then facebook, then getting xmas cards wit congrats.

We are now pregnant again and have agreed to tell NO ONE until atleast 16- 18 weeks. We both generally are very independant private people so it was out of our nature to tell everyone, but looking back I wish we hadn't said anything. We did have lots of support, every person we talked to had to ask what was going on, etc.

 

[swanxxsong]

I didn't post it on FB, but I have told other people and now, I no longer pretend nothing happened. If people ask, I tell them. I have indicated I have an angel baby on my instagram, where my followers are mostly moms.

I won't lie, initially I didn't want to tell anyone. We had to tell family since our parents knew, but I knew I wanted them in the know no matter what, good or bad, we needed their support. But once other people knew, and offered their support and love, I realized that having people know wasn't so bad. I've heard so many stories from so many women who've endured similar pains, and it's helped me through the process. It's been 6 weeks, tomorrow, and though the pain is still raw and I fight my emotions on a daily basis, I find peace in conversing with friends who know about my loss.

 

[suzieishere]

Some of my family know and some of my friends/coworkers know. i let myself get a little too excited the first time so i had to tell them all. the second time not as many people knew. I don't talk about it and no one really asks me about it....
My husband has been my biggest support....I've had a few others (my mom, my mema, a close friend) try to support me but they've said some of those things you're never supposed to say.

I never posted anything except The Serenity prayer on my facebook and i never clued in on why i was posting it.

You ladies are pretty much the only ones I talk to about this any more. Every once in awhile I'll loose it on my hubby and he'll talk to me. so glad to have you ladies but so incredibly sorry we are all in the same boat